Big Brother is the summer guilty pleasure for a lot of us — a way to get through the slower days of TV viewing. And in a season with alliances that shifted faster than a teen girl’s emotions, tonight was one of the most talked about finales in Big Brother history.
One by one, they were picked off, and we were left with Liz, Steve and Vanessa. So let’s break down the finale and see if the best houseguest won.
1. Not all threesomes are fun
Wait. What?! No, not that kind of threesome. This one is the kind where you’re battling for the final HOH. This threesome was worthy of nine and a half weeks because it involved candy apples, whipped cream and powdered sugar. You can’t make this stuff up, people. I’m not sure I’ll ever look at carnival food the same way. Steve’s the first to go. Apparently, his thighs weren’t strong enough to grasp that giant apple. Vanessa moves to strike a deal with Liz and somehow convinces her by promising to take Liz to the final two. But who hasn’t she made that deal with?
2. Being a brainiac helps
HOH Part 2: This set looks like a cross between The New York Times’ Sunday puzzle and a rock climber’s dream wall. You know Steve’s going to rock this because he’s “a mechanical engineer” student — as he likes to remind us. Liz actually was a lot better at this than I thought, but she still came in two minutes behind Steve.
3. Dr. Will makes more money pimping for Big Brother
Does Dr. Will even have a real job anymore or just an annual appearance on Big Brother? I don’t know about you, but watching Austin get fired up, I thought Dr. Will was going to have to do CPR and prove he has his M.D. The entire group ‘fessed up that everyone was affected by Vanessa’s fingerprints around their throats, but yes to Johnny Mac for saying what I’ve said all along: Steve is a floater. Just for the record, I still hate his laugh. What is that?!
3. “Lady Just Us” is blind
I would suck at the memory tests, but I guess when you have nothing to do and nowhere to go, things stick in your memory. I can’t believe Vanessa lost to a question that involved Johnny Mac being grossed out by teeth. Who goes to this guy? All summer, he seemed like the most anti-dentist I’ve ever seen. And why was Liz sitting behind a bush? Steve winning the second HOH competition perfectly teed up his next move. Proving that he is as smart as he says he is, Steve evicts Vanessa, leaving him and Liz — a much weaker opponent — to go to the finale.
More: How Vanessa ‘mean-girled’ her way through Big Brother
4. Breathing is not an option
I swear Steve doesn’t breathe. At all. He didn’t breathe when he was evicting Vanessa, and he didn’t breathe during the final interview. He started answering Johnny Mac’s question three times, and due to technical difficulties, Julie stopped him each time. We can hear him, Julie! I’m still not sure what his answers were, but I know this: He played a better game than Liz did, hands down. Her answers were akin to a 4-H Potato Princess Pageant.
5. Always pick the geek
In my house, when the talk turns to dating and boys, I always tell my girls: You want to marry money? Then go for the geeks over the jocks. Perfect example: Hallelujah, Steve wins. I’m telling you, if Liz had won this game out of these final two, I was never watching this show again. OK, I say that every season, and somehow, the best person ends up winning — but I was a little nervous that Liz’s non-answers and breathy sighs were going to somehow sway the jury.
This was not my favorite Big Brother season, but it was one of the better ones. The Twin Twist was good, and it was great to see a transgender houseguest play a key role — and it makes me wonder what surprises Season 18 will bring to that giant, round table.