When I heard that the Muppets were coming back to television, I jumped up and down with glee. When I found out they were getting a prime-time spot on ABC, I literally cheered like a crazy 5-year-old who’s just been given a pony. But now that the promo spots are running, my inner child has gone quiet with anxiety. When did the Muppets grow up?
And why am I having such a hard time accepting it?
We’ve all seen the new promos for The Muppets, right? The funny little spots they keep airing on ABC, posting to Twitter and sharing on Facebook? Some are downright adorable, like this one featuring Scandal‘s Joshua Malina:
Or this contact-shame-inducing spot featuring Fozzie Bear trying to chat up Patricia Heaton:
Both of these videos make me squeal with enthusiasm. It’s like The Office and Muppet-loving parts of my entertainment heart just collided and set off a rush of happy animal-shaped fireworks.
But it all came screeching to a halt when I saw this:
And then, as if I wasn’t uncomfortable enough, this happened!
Noooooooo! What is happening?! Why would you do this to me, ABC? I don’t want to think about Miss Piggy having sex, ever, with anyone. The most sexual The Muppets ever got was a little felted-pig on felted-frog kissing action, but now hottie McHotterton Castle star Nathan Fillion is dong the walk of shame from Miss Piggy’s trailer and I’m supposed to be OK with that?
I am so not OK with that.
I mean, I had finally just accepted the whole Kermit-Piggy splitsville storyline (barely). It crushed my little heart to know that the powers that be at ABC thought they had to break up the famous duo to sell the new show, but whatever. Being a Muppet can’t be easy, and we all know it’s hard to stay together in Hollywood, so OK. I can go along with this new story bump if it means we get more Sturm und Drang in the long run.
But the guilty look on Fillion’s face as he clambers down Miss Piggy’s stairs is a thing I just can’t unsee.
Which means, I also can’t unimagine what a Miss Piggy/Fillion make-out (or more) session might look like.
Which means the little Muppet-loving child inside of me is now cringing in horror at what other taboo subjects are about to be breached on this new Muppets show, and the stress of it has me almost pulling a crazy Kermit.
Did you know that Kermit uses the term “bacon-wrapped hell” in the show’s trailer? I mean, it’s funny — I laughed — but I also felt totally weird doing so and immediately tried to suck the laugh back in (which totally gave me the hiccups, BTW) because Kermit isn’t supposed to use adult language.
So, I’m watching The Muppets countdown with an uncomfortable mix of anticipation and anxiety, wondering what other sides of the Muppets we’ll be made privy to. How adult is The Muppets going to get, and will I be able to shut my inner child up long enough to let the grown-up me enjoy this new world?
But I may have to watch the sexy innuendo scenes from behind clammy peekaboo hands.
What do you think? Are you nervous about the Muppets’ new direction, or totally excited? Tell us in the comments below.
The Muppets premiers Tuesday, Sept. 22 on ABC.