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7 Celebrity split updates that made us cry (and fire our nannies) this week

OK, so I don’t have a nanny yet, but hypothetically speaking, if I did and she was female, she’d be getting the boot.

I’ve learned a very important lesson this summer, at the prime age of (almost) 27. You never hire a hot nanny. I mean, come on, people! Shouldn’t we have learned this lesson when Reese and Ryan’s marriage came crashing down, courtesy of their full-time babysitter?

I won’t put all the blame on the help; in fact, the fault actually belongs more with the adulterer. “She seduced me” just isn’t an excuse. But that isn’t the only factor that brought many high-profile and fan-favorite relationships to a screeching halt. It’s been a tough summer, my friends, and we’ve all had to band together in our shock and sorrow to make it through, but the bad news hasn’t stopped yet. This week was full of heartbreaking updates on Hollywood’s biggest splits.

First up, Ben Affleck is reportedly dropping a pretty penny on his ex-nanny

Sigh. The man who broke a thousand hearts. This divorce hit me the most. I’ve had a crush on Ben Affleck since I was just a wee one and believed him to be such a good guy, so when news broke of his possible infidelity, I rejected it. “Puh-lease, this is nonsense. Not my Benny-boo.” But alas, after this week, I’m starting to believe the nanny stories could be true. After all, why else would you put your ex-employee up at the Hotel Bel-Air for an estimated $12,000 four-night stay? A little fishy, right?

Well, there’s still one person who thinks he could be innocent: my naive but oh-so-sweet colleague who wrote a whole article defending Ben Affleck, suggesting he’s only indulging Christine Ouzounian in a lavish lifestyle as an apology for all the bad press. I say phooey to that.

More: Jennifer Garner’s privacy invaded during an emotional call

Wait, now Tom Brady’s following suit?

Now this one I do still vehemently reject. Rumors started swirling this week that Tom Brady and Gisele Bündchen could be the summer’s next shocking split; not only that, but it’s Affleck’s ex-nanny who’s causing trouble for the two.

Wait a minute… pause: Who is this girl and can someone get her a hobby, stat?

A source told OK! magazine that Brady and Bündchen’s relationship has been strained for some time and they’re only showing each other social media love to hide their crumbling marriage from the pubic. But where does Christine Ouzounian allegedly fit into it all? Well, you’ll have to read to find out.

Adam Levine is trying to hook Blake Shelton up with models

No, no, no, Adam Levine! It has not been long enough for Blake, Miranda or any of their heartbroken fans to move on, but according to OK! magazine, Shelton’s costar on The Voice has supposedly been encouraging him to “go out and celebrate.” This is the point where I start screaming profanities at my computer with all hopes of Levine hearing me.

Luckily, Shelton’s just too much of a stand-up guy for that… he’s going to take some alone time before saddling up that horse again.

More: Blake Shelton’s reaction to recent affair rumors proves he’s had enough

Jake Owen announced the official end of his marriage on Twitter

Stud. That’s the first thing I thought when I saw his name on my computer screen, but once I got past his good looks, I was really upset for the guy!

Owen took to Twitter to share the news of his divorce with fans, saying it’s the “hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life.” We’re not exactly sure what caused the split, but it sounds like no nannies were involved. Hey, when things are bad, you have to look for the positives in life.

Gwen Stefani has returned to The Voice — but not as her spunky, badass self

This celebrity divorce threw us for a loop and it sounds like Stefani is having just as hard of a time. A source told Perez Hilton that while Stefani was back on the set for Season 9’s Battle Rounds, she seemed really “sad.”

Well… ya. We wouldn’t expect anything else, especially since their relationship seemed so perfect to the outside. What makes this even worse is that there were rumors a freaking nanny was involved. Give us a break!

Scott Disick had some quality family time with his kids — sans Kourtney Kardashian

I know I may be in the minority, but I was really rooting for Disick and Kardashian! They had a confusing, sometimes unhealthy and (as some might say) untraditional relationship, but at the end of the day, I actually thought they were a great fit for each other.

As is the trend of summer 2015, they called it quits. When news first hit, Scott Disick was nowhere near his kids; in fact, he was partying with his ex and then supposedly a bevy of teenagers (umm, what?). But this past week, he returned to his doting father duties and shared an adorable video of Mason and Penelope dancing during daddy time. It just would have been that much better had Kourtney been there… acceptance takes time.

Last but not least, Miss Piggy ogled another man

The Kermit and Miss Piggy split was just the cherry on top of the sundae that is apparently poisoned with the demise of celebrity relationships. Luckily, there was no nanny involved with this breakup since our scientific capabilities do not enable pigs and frogs to procreate, therefore eliminating the need for a caretaker, but… I do have a confession to make: I may be to blame.

More: How will Miss Piggy & Kermit’s breakup affect The Muppets moving forward?

He has not contacted me since the split or put me up in a swanky, way-better-than-my-subpar-apartment hotel, but ya know… gosh. I just hope I’m not to blame.

Either way, I don’t think Miss Piggy would take it too hard. ABC released a new trailer for The Muppets and fans couldn’t help but notice she was all about Castle‘s Nathan Fillion’s err… umm… butt.

Celebrity divorces in 2015

Which celebrity split do you think has been the most shocking, and more importantly, will you ever hire a hot nanny again?

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