Sharknado 3: 12 Blatant inaccuracies you might have missed
If there was ever a doubt in your mind Sharknado 3 would, ahem, jump the shark, last night's premiere of the campy SyFy creature feature likely put it to rest. But obvious improbabilities aside (sharks in space?), here are a few glaringly hilarious inaccuracies you may have missed.
1. Security? What security?
Before the film was even on long enough to necessitate a bathroom break, Ian Ziering's Fin Shepard had already made his way to the White House. Apparently late for an awards ceremony at which he was the guest of honor, he makes his way past the two Secret Service security agents with minimal fuss and is greeted on the steps by the president himself.
Because, sure, there would only be two Joe Blow guards working the gate at the White House during a huge event. Although, now that you mention it, that would explain how so many creepers made their way onto the lawn last year.
2. Go ahead — give that golden chainsaw a crank
Once Fin is ushered inside by the POTUS — and by POTUS I clearly mean Shark Tank's Mark Cuban — he is quickly honored with a presidential Medal of Valor and inducted into the Order of the Golden Chainsaw. Which, naturally, entails getting a golden chainsaw. But the real kicker here is that puppy works! Wait, wait, wait. Did they invent some kind of super-malleable gold that would allow for all the teeny tiny moving minutia needed to — oh you know — make a chainsaw blade spin? Pssssht.
3. April's bionic buzz-saw arm is dicey, at best
April lost a limb in Sharknado 2, but that sure didn't slow down Tara Reid's shark-slicing character. In fact, she simply outfitted her arm with a prosthesis that comes with a miniature emerging chainsaw. Hmm. Where does this saw attachment draw its power? Does it short-circuit when it gets wet? What happens if she spaces and tries to wipe with the wrong arm?
4. Fin and Nova visit Charleston-ish
I mean, I get it. Charleston, South Carolina — which happens to be my home base — is the No. 1 travel destination in the country. It makes sense SyFy would want to include it in the No. 1 campy horror film franchise around. Alas, this coastal city doth not have mountains. If you're going to go through the trouble of giving us a shout-out, at least do a cursory Google search. You just CGI'ed in fake mountains for a city that has none. Seriously, guys, get your life together.
5. Hoda and Kathie Lee sacrifice wine to fight off sharks
C'mon, now. We all know these ladies wouldn't waste wine — Sharknado be damned.
6. Malcolm in the Middle, er, Frankie Muniz makes the ultimate sacrifice
Frankie Muniz plays Lucas, Nova's awkward yet plucky best buddy. Unfortunately for him, when Sharknado hits the Air Force base they're at, Lucas suffers mass casualties in the form of all four limbs being chomped off — by different sharks, no less. Yet somehow, despite all of his major arteries being severed, he still manages to wiggle his way to the detonator and set it off with his head. With his head, y'all.
7. NASA must be in the midst of major budget cuts
I've seen Apollo 13 enough times to know the prelaunch process takes longer than 30 seconds and involves more than three dudes drawing schematics on spiral notebooks. Which brings me to my next point...
8. Ochocinco is a scientist
Sure, this falls under the aforementioned "obvious improbabilities" umbrella, but I couldn't not mention it. Chad Javon Johnson Ochocinco is a NASA-level scientist in Sharknado 3. Had the movie had any credibility, this would have surely blown it.
9. Weaponized femininity is now officially a thing
While fighting off a particularly aggressive fleet of flying sharks, Nova busts out her custom high-powered rifle. The ammunition? None other than "75-caliber mascara." Seeing as the early incarnations of cartridges were made out of paper, I suppose mascara tubes could withstand the velocity of being a speeding projectile. However, it seems highly unlikely said tubes could take out a flying hammerhead with one inky shot.
10. Cue people-friendly, shark-evaporating laser beam
Never in my life did I think I'd string those words together, yet here I am. Aside from the blatant hilarity of David Hasselhoff shooting a giant laser beam out of a space shuttle, inquiring minds want to know: How come the beam makes sharks pull a disappearing act but doesn't harm anything else in its path? No human casualties? Fish, please.
11. Say hello to pass-through shorts
Let's get this straight. April is swallowed whole by a shark. She gives birth in the shark's belly while reentering Earth's atmosphere from space. The shark's exterior is charred, but somehow April isn't crispy and doesn't give birth to a hard-boiled baby. And all of this with her spandex shorts still on? For the love of God, man, someone draw me a diagram.
12. The Hoff makes his way to the moon
Amazingly, David Hasselhoff's character floats around in space a bit and finds his way to the moon, where he's just chillin' with a bunch of shark carcasses. Space travel is super easy, you guys. Judging by this sequence of events, it's basically just like swimming. Yep, it's exactly like that.