The Bachelorette: Kaitlyn shags Nick V. and it kills her
We pick up where we left off last week, with Ian spiriting Kaitlyn off so he could go full-scale Kelsey on the poor girl.
Please feel free to ignore the severe T-storm warnings, unless, of course, you'd like to consider them a disclaimer for the shit storm that is about to go down this season. Then, by all means, proceed.
Ian accuses Kaitlyn of only being surface level because all of the other guys like to tell fart jokes and sex jokes and poop jokes and speak in movie quotes. But he's deeper than that. I mean, like, he was hoping to meet the girl still crying from heartbreak.... that's so creeper, er, I mean deeper of him.
Kaitlyn's blood starts to boil when Ian says he questions her intentions. He asserts they aren't there for the same reasons. Oh, you mean he didn't just come on the show to find a depressed, heartbroken girl to take advantage of and make feel inferior? We'll concede that point.
Ian bows out, saying he's too self-
involved aware for this show. Five seconds later, he rides away in a black SUV, declaring all the other guys are losers, he's being punished for being an intellectual, he is destined to be the next Bachelor and, oh yeah, did he mention he needed to get laid? Dear Ian, perhaps you should consult with your allegedly gigantic brain before speaking.
Back at the hotel, adorable Ben H. is doing his adorable Ben H. thing, worrying, "I just hope Kaitlyn is OK." Predictably, it's adorable.
While the rest of the guys are chatting about how they hope Ian didn't hurt Kaitlyn, Nick — ever the opportunist — sneaks away to actually talk to her. Naturally, they embrace like two people who've been tweeting for months.
Kaitlyn's all, "Here's the church and here's the steeple, open it up and here's the people." Wait, no, that's not right. She tells him how furious she is at Ian for calling her shallow. So Nick's all, "I love your dumb humor." 'Cause calling a girl dumb always makes her feel better.
Nick woos her by telling her he wants to be the one there for her if she has a bad day, and she seems to buy it. Perhaps the 17 beaded bracelets he wears make him more bead-lievable. Ba-dum-tish!
While the other guys lament over how "shook up" Kaitlyn must be, Nick is nibbling on her fingers. In full disclosure, I may have missed roughly 30 seconds of small talk due to changing the channel.
Sexy Shawn B., who is spiraling into doubt, comes looking for Kaitlyn. Finding her and Nick making out, he bails. To the camera, Kaitlyn revels in her newfound role as "make-out bandit." Hmm, maybe she can squeeze that on her résumé right in between dance instructor and hair butcher.
Kaitlyn joins the guys to tell them Ian has, in fact, left the building. And, you know, show. But Chris Harrison happily swoops in to remind them the rose (ceremony) must go on.
Fittingly, the firing squad, er, rose ceremony is being held at the Alamo. Jokes Joshua, who is still sporting jacked up hair since producers inexplicably couldn't hook the man up with some clippers, "Oh, dear God, this is a different battle for survival."
Harrison and Kaitlyn have a chat before she starts handing out the roses, during which she muses, "It's only going to get harder from here." That's what he said, tee-hee.
The first rose goes to Jared, who seems to be the dark horse in this race, patchy facial hair be damned.
Chris, who grows creepier by the minute, says he wants a rose so badly, he will pull his own tooth for one. Oh, dear God, yes. Do that. That sounds fun.
Alas, there will be no tooth-pulling tonight. Subsequent roses go to Jared, Chris, JJ, Joe and Ben Z. Yes, JJ. It defies logic, I know.
Despite Justin feeling super confident his name will be called next, Kaitlyn gives the final rose to Tanner. His witty one-liners alone are worth the save.
Justin weirdly rubs her shoulders and stares intensely into her eyes, telling her he hopes she finds what she needs. And we hope he finds what he needs: enough Dapper Dan to pomade his hair for life.
Oh, Joshua. Joshua, Joshua, Joshua. You told the truth, and you got the big ol' Texas boot for it. On the plus side, you're a hot welder with a huge heart, and this experience will undoubtedly get you more action than your meaty banana hands can handle. But first, get thee to a real barber.
Back in the circle of rose-wearing winners, everyone is celebrating because Harrison just informed them they are headed to Ireland!
Nick says he's totally just here for Kaitlyn, which is why he's obviously so pumped about leaving the country. He's looking forward to taking "advantage" of the situation. No surprise there, really.
Soon, the gang is in Ireland. In case we couldn't figure this out from the montage of pastoral scenery, the producers helpfully blare Celtic music and show bars with shamrock logos. Got it, guys. Got it.
Kaitlyn thinks it is the greatest place to fall in love, a catchphrase that has essentially become this season's "This is the most dramatic season ever."
The guys all stop for the obligatory synchronized, "Hello, Dublin!" moment before strolling down a street looking like the hoodie patrol.
Proving that creepiness does translate cross-country, Chris tells the camera, "As I am walking down the street, I'm just imagining walking with Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. I can't wait to go on a date with Kaitlyn in Dublin."
If he says Kaitlyn one more time, I might pull my own tooth out.
As they all wait in the hotel, Kaitlyn pops in and tells them it's date card time. Minus the date card. This does not compute.
In news that shocks no one, she asks Nick to join her for a one-on-one. He has 10 minutes to get ready. "It looks like I just got lucky in Ireland," he jokes. So, in addition to being a gloriously bad dresser, he is also apparently clairvoyant.
Shawn is none too happy. JJ hopes he has a screaming pillow in his room because the big guy probably just needs a good cry — which we all know by now JJ is weirdly brilliant at.
The guys razz Nick for his wardrobe choice, and I'm with them. I mean, really, how did he even get his wallet in those things? When I cannot see your back pocket, but I can see your ass fold, we've got problems.
For their date, Kaitlyn takes Nick to a park in downtown Dublin. He starts rambling on about how many families and dogs and kids are out, then segues straight into, "Kaitlyn looks so sexy. Super sexy." Wait, what?
"I wore a holey sweater for you so you could touch my back," Kaitlyn tells Nick. Which is ironic, since it will be decidedly unholy by night's end.
Amazingly, they encounter pigeons in the park. This causes Kaitlyn to freak out, thanks to her lifelong fear of birds. Seriously, though... is this what it's like every time she catches a glimpse of her tats in the mirror?
After fleeing the birds, the pair comes upon some river dancers in the street. Dang, all the street performers in my city do is paint themselves silver and stand really still.
Kaitlyn can't see, so Nick lifts her up. Her face reads, "Best date ever." His face reads, "Sweet little baby Jesus, how long does the river dance last?"
Because this is not staged at all, the river dancers pluck Kaitlyn and Nick from the crowd to join in. Nick's pants are so tight I think I can see his lucky charms. Oy.
This chick's face is everything.
Later, Nick buys them Claddagh rings from a street vendor, and Kaitlyn says it just feels right. Let's hope if she picks someone other than Nick, she takes that ring off before the winner proposes.
"It's crazy how one week you think you're not going to see someone and the next week you're walking down the street with them in Ireland," says Kaitlyn, shortly before Nick shoves her against a wall to make out...
... and a store window. I get it — midseason sales make me horny, too.
And also in a bar, where no f***s were given by these old Irish dudes.
Nick gushes about how much he loves to kiss Kaitlyn's lips, lingering several minutes longer than was comfortable for everyone involved. I suspect Kaitlyn had to get creative with concealer to cover up an inevitable upper-lip hickey.
The group date card comes for Tanner, Ben Z., Shawn, Jared, Ben H. and Chris. It includes a morbid and nonsensical riddle. Because, Chris Harrison.
Back on her date with Nick, Kaitlyn says this is the most magical date she's been on. That's because you're dating a leprechaun.
See also: The way Nick's eyebrows go up at the end of every sentence make every sentence sound like a question. "My name is Nick?" "I love you?" "I'm a tool?"
In the blink of an eye, they are making out. In a church. In a church, y'all. In the immortal words of Joe Dirt's parents, "Is this where you wanna be when Jesus comes back?" Think about it, kids.
"I'm dying," he says." "You're giving me goosebumps," she responds. "I"m feeling for you," he adds. I don't even know what that last one means, but... gross.
Kaitlyn gives Nick a rose, so the couple decides to give the watchful eyes of Jesus a break and head back to Kaitlyn's hotel room instead. This courtyard needed defiling first, though.
When Nick is around, Kaitlyn says, she forgets the cameras. She forgets the people around her. She forgets her parents are watching this on national TV. She's in the bone zone. (OK, I said that last part.)
Meanwhile, Jared and Shawn are discussing their feelings for Kaitlyn. They trust she'll respect their feelings.
She and Nick head to her bedroom. The door closes. "I want to know every part of you," he says, pulling out her entrails. J/k, j/k. But, creepiest pillow talk ev-er.
Whew, is it me or is it getting hot in here? For heaven's sake, people, mics off. Mics off! This is more educational than the sex ed group date.
Jared uselessly hopes Nick and Kaitlyn are having a shitty time. Somewhere, Ian releases a primal scream, "Why? Why must they always talk about poop?"
The next morning, Nick leaves Kaitlyn's hotel room literally sporting devil horns. I don't get it — does he style his hair that way? Or is it simply the epidermal manifestation of his evil?
Kaitlyn heads out to her balcony to do what any rational girl would do when facing a love hendecagon: talk to herself.
Nick discusses his date with the other suitors. C'mon, guys, pick up the context clues. The dude is still wearing the same green jeggings. One would not forget pants like that.
Hmm, wait. He wasn't wearing those during his walk of shame... interesting.
After Nick brags about getting alone time with Kaitlyn, Joe tells Nick that Shawn got some extra time, too. Nick's mood totally changes, and he tells the camera, "That's not my business, at least not yet." Show of hands: Who thinks it will be his business during the After the Rose special, a la Andi Dorfman?
Back on her balcony, Kaitlyn tells Kaitlyn that she is (they are?) worried Nick will spill the proverbial beans about their shag sesh, which would ruin everything.
Circa the same time, Nick tells the other guys that Kaitlyn invited him back to her suite where they got "intimate" and "really personal."
Yep, this about sums it up.
For the moment, though, no one implodes. So the guys head to their group date, where they are told Kaitlyn is dead... for today. This is an Irish wake, you guys. Yay! Only, not yay. Ick. Whose coming up with these dates? Can we get a redo on this one, stat?
Perhaps I'm being too sensitive because a national tragedy occurred in my city less than a week ago, but Kaitlyn in a coffin is not funny. In this moment, I want to punch Chris Harrison in his suckhole.
Between cheesy haikus, a suicide joke and Chris wondering aloud about necrophilia, this date was the was worst ever, and it looked far more like a scene from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs than an Irish wake. The only redeeming moment came when Ben Z. asked the other guys to leave.
Later, he pulls Kaitlyn aside again to explain why he needed to speak with her alone. Given the sensitive nature of his past, this was emotionally overwhelming for him.
Not cool, Kaitlyn. Not cool.
During his one-on-one time with her, Jared tells Kaitlyn, "You were just a wonderful, beautiful corpse." Sadly, it's not the creepiest thing we've heard tonight.
Shawn, feeling unsure of everything, grabs some alone time with Kaitlyn, too. He shows her pictures of his big Irish family: his sister, his nephews, his nieces, his dog — hold the phone.
Shawn B. has a Golden Retriever who looks exactly like Shadow from Homeward Bound? It's official. I am in love.
Still, Kaitlyn awards the impression rose of the night to Jared. Early '90s nostalgia clearly can't compete with the questionable appeal of patchy facial hair.
To make the night even more special for Jared after giving him the rose, she takes him back to the church she nearly made babies in with Nick. So, so sweet.
There, at the end of a candle-lit path, is The Cranberries! As they start playing "Linger," I think, "Well, there goes my theory about '90s nostalgia." This is easily the best part of the episode.
Back with the other suitors, Shawn is heartbroken. "I love that girl," he says. Excusing himself, Shawn says he needs a bathroom break.
This is apparently code for "I need to go find my mysterious ballcapped crew bestie and tell him about my secret one-on-one time with Kaitlyn, during which she told me I was the one, and we took Snapchat pics she released last week to confuse the everloving shit out of everyone."
This action-packed episode ends with Shawn confronting Kaitlyn in her room. She cries to the confessional, worrying Shawn knows about Nick. Insert cliffhanger here. Because, The Bachelorette.
Next week promises lots o' man tears, which I'm sure they'll somehow manage to drag out into the following week. Damn you, Chris Harrison. Damn you.