Orange Is the New Black never disappoints when it comes to witty one-liners, and that was especially true in Season 3. Here are 15 quotes so perfect, we wish they were on a cheeky T-shirt or canvas tote.
“I’ve got a soft spot for the pathetics” — Sophia
When Lorna (Morello) convinces Sophia to give her a mothers-only Mother’s Day hairdo, Maria objects, but Sophia responds with this line. And, really, from boyfriends to bad besties, haven’t we all been there?
“That’s so unappealing, my nipples inverted” — Piper
Eesh. That’s bad. Like, really bad. Yet, sadly, we know how she feels. Well, hypothetically. We’ve never actually had a conversation about boring sex with our prison girlfriend.
Don’t be a salmon” — Big Boo
Big Boo’s mom used to tell her this to urge her not to be different. We’ve amended it, though, since swimming upstream and being different is where it’s at.
“Nice is for cowards and Democrats” — Red
If anyone knows a thing or two about living boldly, it’s Red. She delivers this killer wisdom to Piper after Piper chalks up lying to the fact that she was trying to be nice. Psshh.
“If you say ‘bean leaves’ one more time, I’m going to punch you in the f***hole” — Leanne
Listen, we don’t know if anyone will ever say “bean leaves” to us, much less more than once. But should it ever happen, we hope like hell we’re wearing Leanne’s words to Soso when the moment comes. Besides, it works for pretty much anything if you mentally swap out “bean leaves” with [fill-in-the-blank].
“What are we going to do now if we can’t have hate sex?” — Piper
I mean, right? You can’t underestimate the importance of activities.
“I could probably come up with a witty comeback if it wasn’t so hot — or I cared” — Luschek
It’s summertime, and the livin’ is… hot. It’s really effing hot. And you know what makes it worse? People who want to talk or partake in witty banter when it’s so sweltering outside you are 97 percent certain your brain is melting. In those moments, we’d love to let Luschek’s words do the talking for us.
“I need to stop taking nuts from nut bags” — Pennsatucky
There’s a metaphor in here, I’m sure of it.
“I sure can if I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain” — Piper
When the potential new prison buyers come by to find Piper working on a microwave, they inquire as to whether she’ll be able to fix it. She responds with this gem, spoken in a hyperbolic accent. So, basically, women need this shirt to give the proverbial middle finger every time some dude doubts us.
“Do you hear yourself sometimes, like, when you speak?” — Lorna
Lorna Morello has a certain way with words. Why can’t they be ours, too? After all, we’re overcome with this feeling multiple times per day. Sometimes we even think it to ourselves… about ourselves.
“Here’s to heaven and hell and nothing in between” — Big Boo
No one really wants to live a life toeing the line between what’s deemed appropriate and what isn’t. That’s, like, social purgatory.
“Red velvet is bullshit” — C.O. Scott O’Neill
Finally! We’ve been thinking this for years. I mean, c’mon. It doesn’t taste any different from chocolate. O’Neill has the right idea when he calls out the doughnut guy for trying to hype this overhyped flavor.
“Well, look at you, Google” — Cindy
Gah, if this isn’t the perfect response to those know-it-all types, we just don’t know what is. How satisfying would it be to just be able to gesture to your T-shirt every time someone starts spouting off?
“Nope” — Luschek
This is Luschek’s default response any time he happens upon a situation he has no interest in getting roped into. Just a simple, “Nope,” and he walks away. This may be our new life mantra.
“Trust no bitch” — Stella
In all actuality, we fully advocate women trusting in other women. Then again, that’s the kind of mentality that gets your illicit underground smuggling ring of stinky panties for pervy men’s bank account jacked. Am I right? Still, we wouldn’t recommend getting it tattooed (in white or otherwise).