A Deadly Adoption: 9 Spoilers from Kristen Wiig, Will Ferrell's Lifetime film

Jun 11, 2015 at 6:34 p.m. ET
Image: Gary Sanchez Productions/Marvista Entertainment/Lifetime

It's beginning to feel like Lifetime has conspired against its own audience. They've devised an elaborate web and are trying to ruin our lives with the creation of A Deadly Adoption.

The story behind the soon-to-be-legendary film, starring Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell, is fit to be a Lifetime movie itself. First there was the horrific leak of the flick. Few details are known about the leak and we're still not sure if it was an inside job or the work of a tyrannically run communist regime. What we do know is that the leak, as horrible as it was, did provide us with all of the details we needed to become utterly exhilarated and obsessed with this new piece of art that will surely change the world.

Then came the crushing blow: Ferrell announced the cancellation of A Deadly Adoption. Because of the leak, they had decided to "forgo the project entirely," he said. And then there was radio silence while we were left to pick up the pieces.

More: 14 GIFs of Kristen Wiig at the Grammys that prove she missed her calling

We couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't concentrate on work. Personal relationships started to slide.

The silence lasted for four-and-a-half excruciating weeks — and then, out of nowhere, the glorious billboard appeared over Hollywood Boulevard. Hollywood: where dreams come true. Or is it the boulevard of broken dreams?

To avoid heartbreak again, we remained skeptical. Could this all be a ruse? A cunning attempt to trick us? After all, A Deadly Adoption had a remarkably low-profile internet presence. No IMDb, no pics from set, no hashtag on Twitter.

Since the billboard made its debut, more information was slowly rolled out. An IMDb page has appeared, as well as a profile for the movie on mylifetime.com. We learned to trust again and, ignoring the nagging feeling in the pit of our stomach, we plunged back into devotion.

And now the trailer. Oh! The trailer. We've been waiting on the edge of our seats to relish every moment of the film as the story comes together before our eyes. But did the trailer give too much away? Do we know too much? Did we invest so much of ourselves into A Deadly Adoption, only to have Lifetime sabotage our true happiness?

Just look at all the spoilers.

1. Will Ferrell has blood on his sweatshirt

Now we know that either he, or someone else, is going to bleed.

2. Kristen Wiig has blood on her face

Now we know that she, or someone else, is going to bleed.

3. Will Ferrell is selfish

Well, yeah, we already figured that out when he announced they were canceling the movie.

4. And a coward

We'd really like to form our own opinions about the characters without outside influence.

5. And a liar just like the rest of them

See no. 3.

6. Kristen Wiig has a gun

Which means someone might get shot or, at the very least, have a weapon pointed at them.

7. Kristen Wiig and Jessica Lowndes are in a fast-moving car together

They are probably in cahoots.

8. Will Ferrell jumps off a bridge

So he's either killed or escapes from whoever he jumps off the bridge to elude.

9. Will Ferrell and Jessica Lowndes sit on a bench and share a giggle

They are probably in cahoots, too, which means Lowndes' character is playing both sides and that's what makes the adoption so deadly.

If this preview is basically the whole movie shortened into a 20-second package, it might be meltdown time. This is way worse than when Lena Dunham leaked word of her demise on Scandal before the episode aired on the east coast.

Is the trailer constructed to be the final straw that causes us to unravel under the stress of the ongoing Deadly Adoption saga? Is Lifetime secretly observing A Deadly Adoption hangers-on, recording the drama in a twisted plot to turn the story into their next film? Or is the trailer simply another tidbit released to throw us off the scent of the A Deadly Adoption trail?

Only time will tell. Watch the trailer below, if you can handle it.