The Bachelorette recap: 'Brokeback Bachelor' twist is melting our brains
You know a suitor is having a serious meltdown when it spans the ending of one week and the start of another! But such was Kupah's nonsensical ranting that resulted in Kaitlyn kicking him to the curb... again.
And not a moment too soon, might I add. I was about to have to pour myself one of whatever Kupah was having if I had to listen to him prattle on any longer (did he just say he has chlamydia?!).
Besides, the tension didn't go unnoticed. "This is such a weird f***ing night," says Tony the Healer, which is kind of like the pot calling the kettle... well, weird. Whatever, OK? He's just a weird f***ing dude.
Kaitlyn, still in shock from the Kupah-calypse, proffers, "Sometimes you learn a lot about a person in, like, 30 seconds." This is good, considering she's got less time than it takes for soy milk to spoil to find the man she's going to spend forever with.
Chris Harrison — twisted little cupid that he is — beebops into this emotional minefield to drop another bomb. "Oh yeah, by the way, it's time for a rose ceremony. No bigs!"
In quick succession, Kaitlyn calls out Jared, Ben H., Shawn, Jonathan, Tanner, Chris (aka Cupcake), Ryan, Justin, Ian, Joshua, Joe and Corey with an 'e.' That leaves Tony, Daniel and Cory without the 'e,' in case you still have trouble remembering who is still on the show and who defected to declare their love for Britt.
As the world — read: ME — waits with bated breath to hear Cory without an 'e''s name called, Kaitlyn instead says... Tony?
Wait, come again? What's that you say? Producers make Kaitlyn keep the crazy one around for a few weeks to drive up ratings? Oh, right. That's what I thought you said. Here's a hunch: Tony the Healer and Ashley S. the Onion Picker would be a match made in Mesa Verde, er, I mean heaven.
Tony feels totally justified in having his name called. After all, he did step away from "my business, my dog, my bonsai tree" to be here. Sacrifices, people. Those are sacrifices. Hopefully he put someone aside from his bonsai tree in charge of looking after his dog.
There's little time to worry about that, though, since the next morning sumo dudes show up on bikes to wake the guys up with gongs. Interestingly, that's not the strangest thing I've said today.
"That was one of the last things I expected to wake up to," says Justin. This implies gonging sumos were, in fact, somewhere on the list of things Justin expected to wake up to. Only one conclusion can be drawn here: Justin knows how to party. Gonging sumo alarms are wassup.
Heading out on a sumo wrestling group date are Clint, Tony, JJ, Joe, Shawn and Chris — all of whom have to don the traditional sumo garb. Or, as Kaitlyn calls them, "thong man-diapers."
Joe is super confused by the mechanics of this attire, stressing that it looks like a giant water hose. This is ironic, since the entire rest of the date he apparently has a problem containing his giant water hose.
Let's just say that when I tell you he went balls out for the challenge, I'm not being facetious. But you know what? Joe doesn't take his ball(s) and go home. When Kaitlyn laughs, "Joe, we just took our relationship to a whole other level," he playfully drawls, "I know, sweetheart."
Jonathan is pumped he didn't get chosen for this group date because the sheer force of "man meat just running into each other" makes him want to duck and run.
Clint takes the sumo wrestling challenge a little too seriously, bragging about how his wrestling background will help him immensely. Or not, since he gets tossed out of the ring by his man diaper in record time.
In true Tony the Healer fashion, he gets, you know, weird. After becoming bizarrely aggressive heading into the match, he then chides Kaitlyn for making him bring out his aggressive side instead of giving him a chance to show off his warrior heart and gypsy soul.
Does this guy have the CliffsNotes of his life tattooed on his hand or something? 'Cause we've heard this spiel verbatim from him before.
JJ decides to confront Tony's oddly aggressive aversion to aggression with — you guessed it — another display of awkwardly misplaced aggression. That always works out super, you know.
Ian and Jonathan step in to (a) rescue Kaitlyn from the seventh circle of hell that is conversation between Tony and JJ and (b) try to get Tony the Healer to chill the eff out enough that his man boob will stop twitching uncontrollably.
Kind of like my brain right now. Cue PSA: "This is your brain. Now, this is your brain on The Bachelorette."
Once Kaitlyn is finally able to bail on Tony, she informs the other guys that she has set up a sumo exhibition for them. Nothing says true love like rocking a man diaper in public for you.
JJ and Joe square off first, with Joe confident he is going to "sumo the shit out of Joe." He shouldn't have counted Kentucky Joe out so quickly, though, since Joe tossed him out of the ring faster than you could tip a cow.
Joe then faces Clint, who takes Joe out with plenty of time to spare for fan selfies. Also a sign of true love, right?
Back at the ranch, Tony tearfully packs his bag, which I'm only 67 percent sure doesn't contain body parts. (Someone has heard from Kupah since the show, right?).
"I'm not a quitter; I'm walking away on my terms," he says. Which, you know, is called quitting. He's leaving with some emotional wound for sure but, since he's a healer, he can probably just throw some emotional salve on that shit and call it a day.
Inexplicably, Kaitlyn still feels bad for the guy, lamenting, "My heart kind of goes out to Tony." At which point I think, "Honey, you're lucky your heart literally didn't go out to Tony. Or rather with him. In his suitcase. 'Cause he's a serial killer."
See where I'm going with this?
Clint, who seemed pretty into Kaitlyn right up to the point he started taking fan selfies wearing Japanese ass chaps, informs JJ that he is going to play hard to get with Kaitlyn during the cocktail party.
When Kaitlyn sits right in Clint's nook, he straight up looks the other way and gives her the cold shoulder. Happily, Shawn is waiting in the wings to spirit her away.
Per usual, he's adorable and she's adorable and they're adorable together. Even if he does wipe his mouth after she kisses him. What happened there?
Regardless, Shawn's strategy paid off and he gets the impression rose of the night. Because Kaitlyn is such a badass chick, she totally calls Clint out for being such a dill hole all day. And, well, here's where things get dicey. "I'm coming to the realization that Kaitlyn's not the right girl for me," Clint confesses, explaining that he wants to stick around to develop his friendship with JJ.
Whom he calls "a sweetheart." Hmm.
But enough of that for now. Let's talk about Ben Z. Because, Ben Z. Chris Harrison has prepared a date especially for Kaitlyn, and it's apparently a promo for some Escape the Room show.
Here I was thinking it was some sort of promo for Pretty Little Liars. Was the "A" in that sign not, you know, A-like? I contest that this would make a helluva mystery theme park.
After being told they would be shoved into a potentially dangerous room and have to figure out the clues to escape before poisonous gas is emitted. Kaitlyn is overcome with fear.
Of birds. There's a name for that, and it isn't just "crazy." I'm sure of it.
When Ben opens the door and a pigeon flies out, Kaitlyn freaks. Ack, a pigeon! Nothing's scarier than a pigeon. Except, perhaps, clowns. Clowns are scary. Let's all take cover in Ben Z.'s big, hulking biceps.
Ben Z. just wants to protect his girl, and I don't blame her for wanting to bone him right there in the dim-lit ambiance among the pythons, scorpions and ghosts of The Bachelorette relationships past.
A snake slithers by and Kaitlyn shrieks, "God, it's massive." Uh-huh. That's what she said. *giggle*
After plunging his hand into a toilet bowl, we can only hope was filled with faux vomit (never thought that would be the desirable alternative in any situation), Ben Z. is ready for some romance. He and Kaitlyn kick it off with a little emotionally intimate couch time.
He reveals he hasn't cried in 11 years, although his pores beg to differ — sweat is essentially tears, right? But, seriously, he opens up a bit more about his mom, and it makes him even more likable, which didn't seem possible since he's so frickin' sweet already.
Kaitlyn thinks so too, since she gives him a rose. After which he says, "I think Kaitlyn would be a girl my mom would love to see me with." If swooning had a Richter scale, the ensuing aww from female fans would have been off the charts.
The next day, Jonathan, Ben H., Joshua, Ryan, Jared and Tanner all head out for a group date teased by Kaitlyn, "Let's learn to love." Here's hoping they brought back the sex guru from Chris Soules' season.
Alas, 'twas not so. But it's nearly as much fun, since it turns out Kaitlyn is pranking the guys — unbeknownst to them — by having them teach sex ed to a bunch of child actors.
It's brilliant. Wildly inappropriate, but brilliant. Psychologically scarring, but brilliant.
Looking at the tampon in his teaching kit, Joshua says, "I'm supposed to use props? I'm pretty sure I'm missing certain anatomy. I kinda learned everything I knew about puberty from watching our cows."
And that's what you call reality TV gold, kiddos. That, and Jared's jingle about puberty: "If you get a hair on your ball, you know who to call!" Apparently the Ghostbusters moonlight as sex ed teachers, too.
Poor Ryan can't seem to catch a break. When he gets called out by a kid for saying vagina twice, he responds, "Well, it's an important part, so I thought it should be mentioned twice." Then another devious little child actor asks what the clitoris is.
"That can be confusing for some guys," sayeth the coolest teacher ever. "Yes, yes it can," sayeth
every guy EVER Ryan.
Ben H. wins the day with his alarmingly good sex ed seminar, during which he ties in his and Kaitlyn's relationship by making her the hypothetical ovaries and him the hypothetical lucky sperm that gets to worm its way into her heart, er, eggs.
Back at the ranch, things are escalating quickly between Clint and JJ, who begin discussing how Clint squeezed some of JJ's zits in the shower. Me thinks someone in the editing department at ABC is due a big fat promotion after this episode airs.
While those two go off popping back zits or what have you, Kaitlyn enjoys some one-on-one time with Joshua, Ben H. and Jared — all of whom kind of make me wish this was The Bachelorette: Brother Husbands edition.
It gets real, though, when Clint tells the confessional that he and JJ have grown perhaps too close... in the shower. "The thought of coming on The Bachelorette and falling in love with a man never crossed my mind, but I'm a believer in the process... and all I can say is I'm a success story."
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Can we just hold the phone for, like, a hot minute here? Did Clint just come out on The Bachelorette by declaring his love for JJ? Is this for real? Surely, he wouldn't be doing this as part of some elaborate fame-seeking charade.
That would make him the biggest douche in the history of The Bachelorette, nay, the world, right?
Realizing he won't see JJ anymore if he fails to land a rose, Clint drags Kaitlyn outside to tell her he 100 percent has feelings for her.
Then he 100 percent kisses her. Girllll, you gettin' played.
Five seconds later, the strangest conversation in The Bachelorette history occurs when Clint tells JJ, "It's funny how cute you are and how beautiful your jawline is." JJ, in turn, quips something about unzipping his pants. "Well that's not going to happen... on camera," teases Clint. Yowza. Jaw, meet floor. Get to know each other well; I have a feeling you'll be spending a lot of time together.
As virtually all of the other suitors spill the bromance beans about Clint and JJ, they keep the ball rolling by coining their own special catchphrase: "Villains gotta vill, right?" Just keep hitting replay on the clip below, and you'll pretty much know how I feel about that.
Pro? The show sets on Kaitlyn pulling Clint out of the cocktail party to read him the riot act. Con? No rose ceremony this week, folks. Looks like we'll have to watch next week to see how the saga of Clint and JJ ends.
Or, does it end? Stay tuned.
More on this season of The Bachelorette
Bachelorette suitor files for bankruptcy and he'd better not blame the show
The Bachelorette: 8 Spoilers that prove this is the most dramatic season ever
Kaitlyn Bristowe speaks out about The Bachelorette's 'sex scandal'
All images courtesy of ABC