Have mercy! It looks like this season of The Bachelorette might make Chris Harrison a truthsayer — it is the most dramatic. Last night, the fate of Kaitlyn and Britt hung in the balance. But tonight, we got our Bachelorette… and so much more.
So, in full disclosure, major spoiler alert — if you have yet to watch the two-night Bachelorette premiere, you may want to avert your gaze.
Now that we got that out of the way, congrats Kaitlyn!
The three hours of our lives I spent waiting to find out you were, in fact, The Bachelorette were totally worth it. I was psyched about what you had in store for us as soon as Chris Harrison delivered the news.
But then, well, then he dropped an insane teaser trailer for the season on us, and my mind just about exploded. Since I can’t fast-forward life for the next eight weeks, you left me with no choice but to deduce some of this season’s defining factors based on that brain-bending preview.
1. Pack your bags! Exciting destinations are in the near future
On Chris Soules’ season of The Bachelor, the ladies were relegated to dates like high school football games in Iowa. But being the well-traveled gal she is, I knew Kaitlyn wouldn’t disappoint in the destinations department. In one scene, she and a date appear to yell, “Hello, Ireland!” from this scenic vista.
While we’re thinking this is probably Times Square — because it most certainly seems that Kaitlyn heads to the Big Apple at some point this season — scenes from later dates make it entirely possible she heads to a high-tech locale like Tokyo, too.
If everything’s bigger in Texas, we expect major drama from this Alamo-based date. Having a romantic date where nearly 1,000 people died? Uh, super?
OK, so that’s definitely NYC’s Queensboro Bridge. One can only wonder what sort of city shenanigans Kaitlyn will come up with here.
Still in Southern California? Altogether very likely. Then again, they look awfully dressed up, and this could easily be somewhere tropical. Wherever it is, she and Clint seem to have quite the date there.
2. It will be the funniest — and maybe funnest — season yet
There is a cameo by Amy Schumer, y’all. Amy Schumer! As if I wasn’t already jealous of Kaitlyn for getting chummy with Jimmy Kimmel during Soules’ season, now she’s making a bestie out of one of the funniest ladies in Hollywood. This is going to be effing hilarious.
Kaitlyn is essentially like a living, breathing improv show, so she is destined to slay everyone at an actual improv club. Although it’ll be even more funny if she makes the guys have a go at it.
There are simply no words. Just laughter.
Even the moments that aren’t laugh-out-loud funny are guaranteed to be a total blast. Why? ‘Cause Kaitlyn’s at the helm, that’s why. If ever there were a girl who knew how to live life to the fullest, it’s her. Like here, horseback riding in Ireland with (what appears to be) Ben H.
Or here, kayaking with Shawn B. There’s no mistaking that hair.
3. Kaitlyn falls in love — and she isn’t the only one
Can we just say how impressed we are with how invested the guys seem this season? They are in it for love. As cheesy as that sounds, it rings true in this teaser clip. Here, Kentucky Joe tells Kaitlyn he is falling in love with her.
Jared opens up and admits he is falling for Kaitlyn, too — a big step for the guy who originally voted for Britt. Whereas I would have stitched a scarlet “B” on the chest of all suitors who voted, so it looks like Kaitlyn wiped the slate clean.
Could it be Calvin Harris/Ryan Gosling lookalike Shawn B. who shares, “What’s happening between me and Kaitlyn is as close to magic as it gets.” ‘Cause they sure are enchanting poolside.
Hmm, pseudo-spiky hair? Looks like Cory, Joshua or Kentucky Joe take their love on the open sea.
4. Nick V. crashes the season to stir up trouble
Having failed to watch Bachelorette Andi Dorfman’s season, I wasn’t familiar with Nick V. But the other suitors sure were! Since we’re super tight, they told me (and the millions of other people watching along) that he’s the “villain” from Dorfman’s season.
Who doesn’t, apparently, waste any time. Who is this
5. Kaitlyn ups the ante in the kissing department
Why does this always come as such a surprise to people? It’s kind of the gist of the show, folks. As Kaitlyn smartly points out, she is looking for the person she wants to marry — and intimacy is a big part of that. Here she is testing out her physical connection with Jared.
And, uh, Tanner?
And Ben H.
Gotta be JJ, right?
Definitely Ben Z.
And, naturally, Shawn B. I fail to see the problem here.
6. And things get intense
Jared looks devastated, and this could very well be a shot of him riding away in the limo of despair.
Whichever one of the swoopy-haired suitors, this looks like he just had his heart handed to him.
Aw, JJ… don’t cry, buddy! This guy is already growing on me. Hopefully time heals all wounds.
In this clip, Chris consoles Kaitlyn, who laments that she feels like something is wrong with her. But it’s also clear it’s an emotionally charged moment for him, too.
Clint essentially threatens to kill someone after tensions mount. In one clip, he appears to be drinking away his stress with a cocktail, and his jealousy might get the best of him. “How am I supposed to fall in love with a girl when she’s out with other guys?”
Ian, who was easily one of the top five frontrunners for me, loses some footing when he comes at Kaitlyn with the whole questionable intentions argument. “I feel like you’re here to make out with a bunch of dudes on TV,” he says. Oh, Ian. You’re so new.
6. At least one dude bails
Here, one dude (Kentucky Joe, maybe?) tears down a wooded path looking more than a little pissed.
And here, we’re led to believe that this guy actually bolts. “How the hell do I get out of here?” he asks, heading for the door. I suspect it is Ben Z., which breaks my heart a little ’cause I adore him so.
My fears feel merited, since I don’t see him in the group of remaining suitors watching “him” leave.
7. Kaitlyn has sex before the fantasy suites (and is unfairly judged for it)
So, those tricky producers show us this scene, clearly implying that Kaitlyn and this guy (I’m thinking Jared) do the deed. And by deed, I obviously mean sex. However, the rose petals on the bed suggest that this is actually a fantasy suite date — and, well, boning does happen on those from time to time.
This clip kind of flew under the radar, but it shows a guy coming to Kaitlyn’s room… and her letting him in. A few minutes later, they are getting pretty intimate on a bed that is certainly not in a fantasy suite. Scrolling up to the burgundy jacket in No. 4, it looks like Nick V. is the mystery caller.
Then everything implodes. Producers knock on Kaitlyn’s door the next morning and a guy has clearly slept over. Moments later, he is fleeing naked across a golf course. He looks pretty tall and muscular, so my money is on Shawn B. or one of the Bens.
Kaitlyn is devastated that things went “too far, too soon.”
Like, really destroyed. “I made a mistake, I don’t think that makes me a bad person,” she says, bawling. She’s already getting sex-shamed on social media, which goes to show double standards are alive and well in the world.
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