As if Californians don’t already live in constant fear of the next massive earthquake, we’ve now been gifted with the upcoming natural-disaster film San Andreas.
Though the movie is packed with a cast of amazing actors and looks visually pleasing, there’s a good chance that a large number of West Coasters might be skipping out on catching this flick on the big screen, and for one good reason: just watching the trailer scares the bejesus out of us.
We’re already served with constant rocky reminders that the next big one could be right around the corner and of all the things we should be doing to get ready for when, not if, it hits. But for some, watching the preview of San Andreas takes a slightly unhealthy fear to an OMFG obsession.
Here’s why we’re even more screwed up now that we’ve watched that little two-minute, 30-second trailer of terror.
1. We’re never going out of town alone again
Ray (Dwayne Johnson) was in Los Angeles while his family was in San Francisco when the quake hit, and the only reason he could go save them was because he’s a dang helicopter pilot! What about the rest of us regular people? Sorry, cousin in Arizona, I won’t be attending your baby shower this July, because now I know that’s when LA will crumble into the sea and take everything I love with it.
2. There’s literally nowhere to hide
When you grow up in California, you’re always taught to duck and cover under your desk while the shaking is going on and then immediately evacuate to an open outdoor space when it’s over, but after watching Carla Gugino do just that in this trailer, we’re not so confident in that plan of action anymore. Let’s just stay in the fetal position for a couple days, mmkay?
3. Foreshocks are for real
You always worry that a sizeable earthquake is just a scary little preamble to something much more treacherous, and this movie just reinforces that fear.
4. “We can’t stop it. We can’t plan for it. It will be a global event.”
Thanks a lot, Paul Giamatti.
5. So. Much. Water.
We were always able to somehow put the “tsunami warning zone” signs out of mind on our merry little way to the beach. Not anymore. I really should start swimming more at the gym.
6. “California Dreamin'” is ruined
The Mamas and the Papas’ state treasure will now forever be associated with the impending destruction of our beloved Golden State.
7. Going on a cruise is now crossed off the list of dream vacations
Where’s a nice place to go that doesn’t have earthquakes/tsunamis/blizzards/hurricanes/tornadoes?
8. Training for the zombie apocalypse has ceased
All exercise is now geared toward earthquake preparedness.
9. All glass in the home has been replaced with plastic
The less there is to break, the less chance there is for us to be impaled with flying objects, right? Right?
10. High-rises just don’t have the same allure anymore
Same goes for elevators and stairwells.
11. Where the f*** is my cat?
Sorry, that’s just where my mind inevitably ends up when I go down the rabbit hole of imaginary earthquake disaster scenarios.
On a serious note: The visuals in San Andreas may scare the crap out of us, but perhaps it’s a good thing. How many Californians aren’t fully prepared for when the next quake comes? This movie may (hopefully) be grossly overexaggerated, but maybe it will scare us into getting ready and even save a few lives.
Watch the full trailer below.