If you’re a character on Empire and you’re within a two-foot radius of Cookie Lyon, better get some ice, because chances are, ya burnt. And if you have no idea what we’re talking about, what the hell have you been doing for these last few months?
In honor of tonight’s Season 1 finale of Empire, the show that is smashing records and leaving them in its wake, we’re paying tribute to the show’s breakout character — and our shade-throwing idol. Here are 23 times Cookie took the verbal burn and made it a veritable art form.
1. That time she had a pretty spot-on nickname for Anika
Of all the things Cookie has called Boo Boo Kitty, this might be our fave.
2. That time she used some descriptors straight to Anika’s face
Cookie: 782,491. Anika: Big fat zero.
3. That time Cookie outlined the separation of church and state
Cookie is the state, you guys. And her constitution is one that will see a generation of children actually pay attention in history class.
4. When she gave us the inside scoop on how infrastructure works
And she pretty much made the streets seem like the more desirable option.
5. When she had no time for pleasantries
Cookie got straight onto that basketball court and blitzed through Vernon’s defense. NBA teams are looking to draft her.
6. When Lucious was legit lucky
But we kinda wanted her to feel like a scene, because we know she would have shut it down and we like watching her do that.
7. When she contributed wisdom to a business meeting
Well, that settles that, then.
8. When she had a conversation with the lord
And she selflessly asked for things for others and not just for herself.
9. When she had that showdown with Naomi Campbell
And for the first time in the history of people fighting with Naomi, our money wasn’t on Naomi.
10. That time she didn’t even say anything
And Anika still had to get the burn cream.
11. The first time in history anyone has grabbed and slapped their own ass and we thought it was a legitimate move
Can’t argue with the woman — that is, indeed, an ass.
12. When she expressed a preference
But that preference was laced with the kind of shade that could save the whole planet from unprecedented levels of sun exposure due to global warming. Basically, Cookie has the ability to provide a significant worldwide service.
13. When she made stuttering a language we wanted to learn
No GIF will ever do the delivery of this line justice.
14. When she was courteous enough to provide a reminder
But it seemed insane that anyone would forget to do something we’ve been doing since the moment Cookie graced our screens.
15. When she explained to Lucious how things were going to go
Cookie’s rhyming abilities are unparalleled. Dr. Seuss has conceded the crown.
16. When she dished out a whopping helping of the truth
That sound you hear? Oh, that’s just the sound of kindling from Cookie’s ultimate burn.
BRB, just filling out an enrollment form for Cookie’s School of Eye-Rolling.
18. That time Camilla told Cookie she wasn’t one of her “jailbird mates”
And we kinda wanted the two of them to end up in jail together so Cookie could show Camilla who’s boss. Cookie Is the New Orange Is the New Black, anyone?
19. That time we entertained the idea of Cookie being in charge of who goes up and who goes down
To be honest with you, if St. Peter turns out to be St. Cookie, it won’t at all surprise us. In fact, it would seem like a pretty logical job for Cookie.
20. When she pointed out Lucious’ growth
Well, it’s not at all surprising that a man would grow a vagina, given we know that Cookie was able to grow the largest balls ever seen on television.
21. When she pointed out the obvious
And we were all like, “Um, yeah, dude, what do you mean by ‘you people’?”
22. The only time we ever thought it was right and just for someone to say this
Because, like, he should totally know who Cookie is. Everybody should.
23. That time she said “Bye, Felicia” with the shade of a thousand trees
Empire‘s two-hour season finale airs tonight on Fox.