This weekend, for reasons unknown to us all, Comedy Central recorded their roast of Justin Bieber. While plenty of the jokes left us laughing, we gathered up the eight most tasteless jokes from the Bieber roast that weren’t actually about Bieber at all.
Justin Bieber is kind of comedy gold, right? This clown has been full of himself from day one. It’s hard to root for a guy who, as an adult, eggs people’s houses and gets arrested for public urination. The jokes write themselves. Roasts are known for going all the way, no holds barred and hitting you where it hurts, and this one was no exception. I wasn’t expecting them to sugarcoat a single thing, considering the best gift this dude has given the world is the opportunity for Kate McKinnon to mock him on SNL.
Unfortunately, things took a bit of a turn with a few of the jabs. They might seem funny at first, but after half a second of thought it’s clear Bieber isn’t the butt of the joke at all. Rather than focus on the wealth of hilarity from Bieber’s past, the roasters ended up poking fun at women and the LGBT community. Maybe good comedy doesn’t always have to punch up, but at the very least, it should punch the correct target.
Implications that he is gay
- Ludacris: “The Brazilian prostitute that claimed she was with Justin told the news that he was well-endowed. And that prostitute would know, because so was he.”
- Chris D’Elia: “You’re such a bitch, you have a bigger clit than the one Bruce Jenner wants.”
- Hannibal Buress: “You gotta give it up for Justin. He started from the bottom and he’s still a bottom.”
Wow. Good ones, guys. You can only think Bieber is the one hurt by those jokes if you think calling someone gay is in some way an insult. Instead, they mock gay men and trans women. I don’t want to come across as the PC chief of police, but this form of othering is the kind of nonsense that keeps kids — and adults — in the closet. The comment about Bruce Jenner, who has not publicly stated any plans to transition, proves that America remains a hostile place for transgender people and their loved ones. It tells us more about Chris D’Elia than either of the two people he purports to be dressing down.
Jokes about prison rape
- Martha Stewart: “Justin, you have no idea what you’re in for. I’m sure it’s great to have 60 million followers on Twitter, but the only place people will be following you in jail is into the shower.”
- Snoop Dogg: “When you get to the county jail, hear me, you’re gonna be the first dude who ever had a girlfriend and a boyfriend named Gomez.”
What? No! What? It wasn’t funny when the Office Space dudes joked about federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison, and it’s not funny now. Rape is never funny, not when it happens to women, not when it happens to men, not even when you think it is exacting karmic justice in our broken prison system.
Jokes about Selena Gomez
- Jeff Ross: “Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she’s dating men now. Is it true you dumped her because she grew a mustache before you?”
- Chris D’Elia: “Why are you here? This is a terrible idea. You’re about to get f***ed harder than Orlando Bloom f***ed Selena Gomez.”
- Jeff Ross: “Selena Gomez had sex with you, proving Mexicans will do the disgusting jobs Americans just won’t do.”
OK, now. They knew exactly what they were doing here. Instead of hitting Bieber right where it hurts, they used his ex-girlfriend as a way of taking him down a peg. Except most of these jokes insult her more than they insult him. When asked how he felt about the jokes targeting his former flame, Bieber articulately responded, “Everybody was going balls to the wall. There was no holding back. So, I mean, it was whatever.” Touching. The roasters treated Gomez as an object throughout the night, as though she had been a possession of Bieber’s rather than a consenting woman involved in a relationship.
Kevin Hart got at least one joke right, explaining, “Selena Gomez couldn’t be here tonight. Just because she didn’t want to be here.” I, for one, don’t blame her at all.
If you didn’t want to watch the roast live, but are still a little curious, watch it here: