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The Bachelor Week 7, the sequel: And then there were three

It didn’t seem possible to fit any more drama into Week 7, but Monday night’s episode amazingly managed to out-drama Sunday’s, largely thanks to a little production I like to call “The Breakdown of Britt, Part II.”

But let’s start from the beginning, shall we? At the start of last night’s episode, bachelor Chris Soules is still trying to work through his feelings about Britt’s outburst on the group date.

He doesn’t have a ton of time to dwell on the theatrics, though, because he is meeting Becca for their second one-on-one of the season — and, thankfully for her, this one doesn’t involve burros.

Soules says he realizes Becca — looking fab in a yellow peplum top — likes to take things slow. So, naturally, he takes her to his loft.

They chill on the couch and talk, which Becca says feels “really real.” Yeah, like a real rip-off. Your first date involved chilling by a chuck wagon and your second one is on his sofa? He’d better wine and dine you in Bali, baby.

It did, however, give Becca the chance to inform Soules she has never been in love or said “I love you” to anyone.

Soules, who has a horrible poker face, is clearly wondering if he should run for his life. But he powers through and asks if Becca thinks this situation could work for her. Because she’s a rad chick, she’s totally up-front and says, no, she wouldn’t say yes if he proposed today… but she does really dig him.

Satisfied with her answer, he seems pretty stoked at the idea he could be Becca’s first and last true love. So, basically, she’s a Disney princess. I mean, just check out this sunset kiss — I half expected Ursula to jump out of the ocean and try to steal Becca’s voice.

Back at the hotel, Whitney, Jade and Carly are discussing the wrecking ball that was Britt on the group date, which of course makes Carly’s not-so-inner-anymore mean girl squeal with delight. In other news, Jade — who swears she doesn’t want to do nudies anymore — is still wearing knee socks strikingly similar to the ones porn star “Roller Girl” wears in Boogie Nights.

Britt comes in and — not quite done rattling everyone’s cages yet — informs the other girls that she’s totally going to leave before the rose ceremony. For sure. Maybe. Almost certainly. Possibly?

Jade questions how serious Britt could really be about her connection with Soules if one rose ceremony going awry could scare her away. Britt says that’s not even how it is — she opened up her heart to Soules and it doesn’t make sense to move forward if he doesn’t reciprocate.

Which, again, actually makes perfect sense — and on The Bachelor, that’s a total deal-breaker. The girls then do what you might expect when someone opens up and is completely vulnerable: tear into her like a pack of dingoes sinking their teeth into a baby zebra.

Or, as Britt describes their behavior, “being antagonistic.” Yeah, that too. Carly thinks it’s a total cop-out, which she expresses like any red-blooded grown woman might —  by wrapping her hair around her face and whining until Britt leaves the room.

Oh, wait, did I say like a grown woman would? I meant my toddler. Like my toddler would.

Only a short time later, the ladies are all dolled up in their cocktail party attire in preparation for facing the one-man firing squad that is Soules, when host Chris Harrison walks in. “Hey, ladies, no bigs or whatever, but there won’t be a cocktail party — we’re going straight to the rose ceremony. Peace!”

Da da dummmm.

Britt, who is 110 percent 100 percent 80 percent sure she wants to go home, starts to panic over this “shift in dynamic.” How can she work her charm on Soules before he gives her the boot if there’s no cocktail party to hijack?

When Soules comes in to hand out roses, Britt has a total Kanye “Imma let you finish, but…” moment.

As Britt leads Soules to another room, Kaitlyn theorizes that Britt either wants Soules to beg for her or she wants to be the one to do the breaking up. Not only is her theory pretty effin’ astute, but can we just take a minute to appreciate how pretty she looks? Yay for moving on from the ice-pink lipstick the girls have been passing around like they’re at a never-ending middle school dance.

For the first time, Whitney is pissed. Why does Britt think her time and feelings are more valuable than theirs? Which, coincidentally, is precisely how I feel when one lane of traffic is clearly closed and some dillhole zips by you and then tries to cut in at the last minute. The nerve!

Britt apologizes to Soules, if apologizing is code for halfheartedly saying she shouldn’t have put him on the spot but does he have anything he wants to say to her? Unfortunately for Britt, the thing Soules has to say isn’t, “Yes, I want you to stay.”

It’s more like, “I’m not saying you’re lying… I’m just saying everyone else is saying you are lying. And, um, you’re lying.” Although she tries to pull the “But Carly is out to get me!” card, Britt’s pleas are of no avail. He can’t have a wife who disrespects him, so he sends her packing.

And, well, then it gets ugly. As in, ugly crying. Poor Britt — girl, give me a call and we’ll break into some Ben & Jerry’s and ugly cry it out together.

Britt’s abject sorrow brings Carly immense pleasure, which I’m pretty sure I read somewhere was one of the hallmarks of a sociopath. So there’s that. “Now the prettiest girl in the room knows what it’s like to be a normal person.” Sure, if by normal person you mean young woman with deep-seated daddy issues going on national television to vie for the affection of a polyamorous man-child from Iowa.

Carly, hon, your insecurity is showing. You might want to cover that up.

Britt feels totally betrayed by Carly and, let’s be real, she has a point. There’s a certain irony to Carly calling Britt fake when she BFFs it up with the girl to her face and then stabs her in the back to Soules. More importantly, though, Britt’s lipstick stayed put through two meltdowns and multiple foot-in-the-mouth situations, so good God, someone find out what it is.

Back in the rose ceremony room, Soules tells the girls he’s serious about this journey. If they are honest with him, he’ll be honest with them.

Jade’s over here like, “Nude photos? What nude photos?” She’s going to have to come clean soon, though, since Soules gives her, Whitney, Becca and Kaitlyn roses.

Interestingly, Jade musters up more emotion for Carly than she has for Soules throughout the entire process. At least we know that even if the girls don’t wind up with Soules, they can still find their soul mate this season.

As Carly is carted off in the limo of despair, she cries, “My heart feels completely broken. Why is it so hard to want me? What’s wrong with me?” Seriously, these girls are killing me. Dr. Drew needs to hook up the Bachelor gals with a group therapy show, stat.

The next day, Soules meets Becca in her hometown of Shreveport, Louisiana. On a playground, no less.

The two take a canoe out into a nearby swamp and share a little Allie and Noah from The Notebook moment — and that’s enough to win anyone over, right? Besides, their kids would be so beautiful it would look like they were carved from butter.

While canoeing, the couple sees an alligator and Becca drops some truth on Soules, saying she has never brought anyone home to meet the parents.

I’m not sure what freaked him out more, the alligator or the fact that he’s the first dude Becca has introduced to Mom and Pop.

He’s nervous about meeting her family at first but quickly falls into a natural rapport with these “great people.” Things are going fantastic, in fact, until Becca’s sister Katie pulls off what may go down in history as the biggest inadvertent cockblock of all eternity.

“We’ve never even seen Becca around a boy. She is not an intimate person, by any means. I guess she doesn’t feel the urge or want to. She won’t be affectionate in public.” Sheesh, seeeeestah. Do you ever want your sis to get laid?

Accordingly, Soules is terrified — and it is only exacerbated by Becca’s mom (who is adorable, BTW) reiterating Becca’s lack of male callers. Still, she wraps up the awkward convo with some sweet maternal words. “I don’t know what this journey holds for Becca. I know that she’s very special to us and we’re very protective. If one hurts, we all hurt. If one loves, we all love.”

At this point, I’m starting to think Soules suspects Becca’s virginity — especially when he says it would be really great to be the guy who deflowers Becca Becca’s been waiting for.

He takes her to the State Fair to ride the Ferris wheel. As they canoodle among the fluorescent lights, Becca says this is the perfect day. I’m not buying it, but if she throws in a funnel cake and some Fiske fries, I’m sold.

On to Chicago, where Whitney greets Soules with, “What do you say we go make a baby?” Wink wink, nudge, nudge. Accordingly, Soules responds with, “Say whaaaaaa?” Well, until he remembers that she is a fertility nurse, that is.

Soules puts on some scrubs, which he opines make him look like a giant dick. Well, Soules, if the scrubs fit… j/k, j/k. For real, though, the only way he could make those scrubs look better is if he took them off. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge.

Whitney must think so too, since she gives Soules a specimen cup and takes him to a specimen room filled with Playboy magazines not featuring Jade (although that would have made this home date truly memorable).

Then they make out a little in the specimen room, which is a bit much… even for me.

Later, she introduces him to the family she has in Chicago. This includes her ball-busting sister, who won’t give Soules the blessing to make any kind of babies with Whit until he whittles down the dating pool some more.

Once more, this is entirely logical. But what fun is there in that?

Soules is surprised the smart sis wouldn’t give her blessing for him to maybe propose to Whitney if he ends up liking her more than the other two girls after bedding them all in fantasy suites.

And Whitney is upset her sister wouldn’t give her blind consent for her to marry this man and move to a farm in Iowa where she’d have to start inseminating hogs as opposed to people. She salvages the end of the date by uncorking a bottle of wine she bought to share with her future husband which, if you ask me, is a lot of pressure to put on a merlot.

Soules then meets Kaitlyn in Phoenix, where her family winters. She meets him in a deserted alley, joking, “You took me to Costco, so I’m like dumpsters… back alleys.” Classic.

As it turns out, though, they are just outside of a recording studio. They are going to record a rap song together. Despite Soules being quite possibly the whitest man in the world with the least amount of rhythm, it’s actually super-cute.

That evening, they enjoy wine and dinner over a frickin’ amazing fire pit table at Kaitlyn’s family’s house. By far, she had the least cockblock-y family of the three remaining girls. Go, fam!

Then, Susan Lucci Kaitlyn’s mom asks to talk to “Kait.” After a sweet exchange, she reiterates that she supports her daughter and just wants to see her happy. Oh, and that she can tell Kaitlyn hearts Chris. Awww!

She isn’t the only one, either. Kaitlyn surprises Soules by telling him she wants to “advertise something,” and turning him around to see this giant LED wonder.

The last home date of the episode, Soules meets Jade in Omaha, Nebraska — a small town embarrassingly larger than Arlington, Iowa. Then again, at this point, I’m fairly certain the zit on my chin is bigger than Arlington, Iowa. This bodes well for no one.

Things are looking up when Soules walks into Jade’s family home and there are deer heads adorning the walls. Jade can’t concentrate on the good vibes at play because she can’t stop thinking about her Playboy photos. Weird… I have a feeling Soules will soon share that problem.

Chatting with Jade’s dad, Soules explains he was really drawn to Jade’s values. Jade’s dad, who’s got some mad dad skills, simply says of his daughter, “I want her to be able to live free, but loved.”

Moments later, Jade’s brothers tell Soules their sister is a “free spirit” and a “wild mustang.” Soules starts to get the impression “there is a side of Jade I haven’t seen.” Oh, buddy… you have no idea.

When Jade’s precious dad expresses concern over the process and emphasizes that he wants Jade to find someone who will love her for her and understand the kind of person she is, Jade says the process has changed her. Why, yes. Yes it has. It has turned you into an internet porn sensation.

Things go surprisingly well when she breaks the news to Soules, although it gets a bit awkward when she offers to show him her kibbles ‘n’ bits and proceeds to do so with a laptop slide show.

Said Soules, “The next thing you know we’re looking at…” Her snatch, Soules. You’re looking at her snatch.

Still, he sweetly tells her that he would never judge her for that and tells the camera it doesn’t diminish who she is as a person. Hear, hear! Jade then leaves him alone with the laptop, and it seems safe to say his hotel soon after became a “specimen room.”

At the rose ceremony, Soules laments that this has been the toughest week of his entire life. He quickly hands Whitney and Kaitlyn roses, boiling it all down to Jade the nude model and Becca the virgin. The irony of this moment is lost on no one. Except, of course, Soules.

As it turns out, he couldn’t handle the wild mustang — he sends Jade home, denying it is because of her Playboy past. But, c’mon, let’s call a spade a spade. He couldn’t marry a woman knowing every single person in his town has seen, uh, the lay of her land.

Seriously, though, it’s pretty sad. Her heart is broken. He is weeping man-tears all over the streets of Des Moines. If it wasn’t so damn tragic it might by funny.

“There’s no way for me to not second-guess myself from this day forward. I could be making the biggest mistake of my entire life,” Soules says as Jade drives away. Of course, we all know what he’s thinking: “Maybe if I watch that video she made one more time…”

Next week, Soules jets the final three off to Bali for sailing excursions, fantasy suites and virgin confessions. And somewhere out there, Megan is all, “Man, they’re finally going somewhere I didn’t need my passport for!”

Images: ABC

More on The Bachelor

The Bachelor Week 7, Part I: Is this the beginning of the end for Britt?
The Bachelor Week 6: The two-on-one date that will live in infamy
The Bachelor Week 5: Who needs Ashley S. when you’ve got Kelsey?

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