Three sisters. Two virgins. One beesting. Hey, with those stats, how could this week of The Bachelor not be everything our guilty pleasure dreams are made of?
The night didn’t exactly start off with fireworks, though. Rather, it started with Chris Harrison chatting up the PJ-clad bachelorettes about Soules’ good intentions.
“I talk to Chris all the time, and I know it’s going well for him,” says the host. Oh, really? We hadn’t noticed. We thought his kiss counter hitting 45 last week was a sure sign he was totally hating this experience.
Harrison then shakes up the ladies by informing them that — of the three dates this week — the one-on-one would be decided on by Soules’ three sisters. Ba-ba-bummmm! The plot thickens.
But first, Britt grabs the inaugural date card of the week, which invites Megan, Kaitlyn, Ashley S., Ashley I., Mackenzie, Kelsey and Samantha to…. wait. Who the hell is Samantha?
Seriously, though. Has she been here the entire time?
The date card invites all those other crazy chicks and Who-is-Samantha to “do what feels natural” — sayeth Soules to a group of aspiring actresses, makeup artists and, well, Kardashley.
Who, for the record, swears Britt is far more unnatural than she is. What’s that, Kardashley? I couldn’t hear you over your small-child-size-eyelashes.
Kelsey the Widow says some of the other girls are flipping out and gives a good cackle. Every time she laughs, it makes me think of that silly necklace box scene in Pretty Woman.
Or, more accurately in Kelsey the Widow’s case, Christina Applegate’s character from The Sweetest Thing doing her best hyperbolic Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.
I mean, right?
Before long, the first date ladies head off in old muscle cars for their au naturel date with Soules. Kardashley acts surprised she scored the front seat beside Soules, but we all know that crazy virgin channeled her libido to teleport herself into the Mustang on teeny, tiny supercharged particles of pent-up sexual frustration.
Sitting next to Soules does little to sway her surging virgin hormones, either. “I find it so sexy when guys can drive,” she muses. Yes. Generally speaking, men who are capable of higher function are pretty desirable.
Somehow, Megan the Makeup Artist, who likes ramming her head into walls, wound up in the driver’s seat, leaving me to wonder whether the other girls lost a bet or if they’re just experiencing some form of mass hysteria. And by hysteria, I clearly mean mental lapse.
As they pull up to the scenic lakeside, Soules tells the camera the ladies have “no idea I’ve got a big surprise for them later.” Sweet Jesus, I hope this doesn’t turn into some weird water orgy, like the mating ball in Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid.
Meanwhile, Kardashley decides that since she’s always “so shy” around Soules, she should take the opportunity to find a way to break out of that mold. So she does the only logical thing: Doffs her top and jumps in the lake.
I blame it on the American flag bikini — it was quite possibly possessed by the ghost of Jersey Shore, Seasons 1 through 6.
Kaitlyn seizes the opportunity to “enjoy nature” as well, dropping trou and going for a little skinny dip — a move which has Kelsey the Widow seeing red.
“For me, no, it’s not appropriate to just start undressing in front of a guy. This is a date for bimbos. I think if you have dignity, this is the point when you want to call it quits.” Oh, honey. I hate to break it to you, but the dignity ship sailed away about three episodes ago.
Carly, Britt and some dark-haired chick I assume is the mysterious Samantha wait anxiously at the house for Soules’ sisters to show up and, right on cue, there’s a knock on the door.
Carly greets them with all the enthusiasm of a sorority sister during rush week, and I half expect her to make them recite the Greek alphabet before letting them enter the hallowed halls of The Bachelor ranch.
Unfortunately for Jillian, she was passed out by the pool and missed the introduction — but at least the black censor box on her ass showed up for the special occasion.
Back on the group date, they are playing Red Rover. I shit you not.
Between that and the campfire later, Megan can’t help but proclaim this to be the best day ever. Last week, the pool party was the best day ever. I’m pretty sure if I could market Megan goggles, I’d be a millionaire.
Kelsey the Widow, on the other hand, is having none of it. In fact, she thinks it’s absurd Soules expects her — who is from Michigan, the land of the most beautiful lakes in the world, says she — to wade around in this “dingy pond.”
She’s in hell. This is her worst nightmare. This is stupid. Her face is skinnier from fake smiling all day. She doesn’t want to be there. She wants to stab a fork in her eye. Oh, look at that — we do have something in common.
Fortunately, a bee stings her in the
vadge leg and stops her tirade momentarily. Whew.
Soules soon tells the girls — surprise! — they’re camping out by the lake for the night, and Kelsey can hardly contain her excitement.
Kardashley says, “I’m a camping virgin, and I’m also a virgin camping.” Looks like she’ll be cashing in at least one of those v-cards tonight.
Back at the ranch with the three sisters, the girls learn by way of a bedazzled date card that Jade won Soules’ sisters’ approval — and she’ll be going on a Cinderella-themed date to a royal ball.
The group date is heating up, with Kelsey the Widow spiriting Soules off so she can complain about her bee-stung
Over by the campfire, Ashley S. — aka Surprised Girl aka Onion Picker — is back to her old self again, lamenting that her biggest fear of the night is that she has no music. So she starts singing some nonsensical song and makes everyone dance. Take a look:
I kid. I kid. But, for real, that’s pretty much how it went down.
Undeterred by the ceremonial dancing going on,Mackenzie the Child Bride ponders the possibility of an extraterrestrial presence… for the second time this season.
Inexplicably, Ashley S. manages to get Soules in a secluded spot, where she asks him, “What are you?” Then tells him to look at the mooooooon before moving in for the
kill kiss and telling him she loves him and will never let him go.
Roughly five seconds later, Kardashley corners Soules so she can unhinge her jaws and try to eat him alive. I mean, kiss him. So she can kiss him. Forget wife material — she’s praying mantis material.
When Soules gives Kaitlyn the group date rose, it pushes Kardashley over the edge. In an attempt to prove she’s totally innocent and 100 percent wife material, she sneaks into his tent in the middle of the night.
The next day, when Kardashley learns Jade nabbed the royal date, she starts to officially lose it. “Whenever someones asks me to describe myself, that always comes up,” she says of describing herself as a Disney princess. Houston, we have a problem.
Arguably, the best part of Jade’s fairy-tale night is the fact that her fairy-tale transformation includes Louboutin glass “slippers” and diamond drop earrings — that she gets to keep.
Neil Lane got so tired of his jewelry being returned, thanks to dud Bachelor match-ups, he just said “F*** it, keep the damn earrings.”
The other girls watch in awe as Jade emerges as a modern-day Cinderella, but I missed it because I couldn’t stop starting at Ashley S.’s beanie. I’m still moderately sure if I stare at it long enough I’ll be able to see a 3D sailboat or something.
When Jade arrives at the royal ball, Soules is practice-dancing alone. Yeah, it’s cute. But when it becomes clear this entire date is a promo for the new Cinderella movie, I’m all like:
Soules practically beams when he sees Jade is his Cinderella and she begins descending the gazillion stairs to get to him. If she had tripped, it would have been epically bad. Or good? I mean, no. Bad, definitely bad.
Back at the ranch, Kardashley is having a hard time accepting her fate as the girl not chosen to go on a princess date. To prove just how princess-worthy she is, she dons a dress she brought “specifically for a princess-themed date,” spends the majority of the night pouting and then pops a squat on the sofa to chow down on an ear of corn.
Which reminds me of this article I read recently about the names most crazy girls have. I no longer find it strange that the name Ashley was on it.
Soules’ big surprise of the date with Jade is a secret ballroom, complete with a full orchestra. But, c’mon, that platform was not up to code, y’all. Between it and the super stairs, I swear producers were hoping for the kind of ratings spike that can only come from someone taking a major spill on national TV.
The clock strikes midnight and Jade bolts, because Soules still has to make out with, like, 10 more women tonight to keep his typical pace.
Group date No. 2 time! Nikki, Jillian, Whitney, Carly, Britt and Becca all get dresses, too. Only theirs are, um, wedding dresses.
They are then flown to San Francisco, where they will compete in a muckfest race to raise awareness for MS. OK, that part is cool. Still have no idea what any of this has to do with wedding dresses, though.
The other girls are busy smearing mud on their faces while Jillian stretches, and I’d like to remind them that (a) they don’t know where that mud has been and (b) a little dirt on the face won’t keep them from pulling a hammy. Safety first, ladies.
Carly, who is rapidly filling the hole in my heart left behind by Drunk Tara, says, “I think I gave up after the big balls swinging at my face, ’cause then I was just offended.” And I think, “She gets me.”
Soules stops running to help Becca, claiming he’s worried about the girls’ dresses getting hung up on stuff. This is guy speak for, “I’m trying to save face since Jillian is annihilating me.”
Britt comes in second to Jillian, and she looks so pretty covered in mud it makes my brain hurt.
For her prize, Jillian gets whisked away on a super-romantic date with Soules. She’s clearly swept up in the moment…. with herself. In fact, she talks about herself so much, Soules’ mind drifts to unicorns and dancing fairies.
Looks like someone found Ashley S.’s secret stash of hallucinogenic mushrooms!
I must have been on hallucinogenic mushrooms, too, because I could have sworn I heard Jillian ask Soules’ if he’d rather sleep with a homeless girl — who “you just don’t know what she has” — or abstain for, like, four or five years.
Then he sends her packing and shit gets real.
On the ranch, the other girls are getting ready for pre-rose-ceremony mingling and, wait, is Kardashley still wearing her princess dress from the night before? Who wants to bet she has a doll made entirely of Soules’ hair stashed somewhere in her room?
Megan bonds with Soules over a rousing game of “Out of the Five Senses, Tell Me Which One It Is.” Bless her little heart.
In the other room, Kardashley is still worried she didn’t adequately clarify she’s a virgin. Listen, babe, you know you’re a virgin. We know you’re a virgin. Everyone in the free world knows you’re a virgin.
If I took a shot every time Ashley I said she was a virgin, I’d turn into Drunk Tara.
She decides to tell Soules straight up and, if he isn’t too freaked out, perhaps he’ll be her first. Because nothing says true romance like giving it up on national TV to a farmer who’s plowing the fields of four other girls, too.
When Soules doesn’t jump her virgin bones right then and there, Kardashley bemoans, “I don’t want him to respect me that much.” And I want to punch her in the boob.
Mackenzie the Child Bride tries to console her frenemy but has a hard time doing so because her uncontrollable eye rolling makes it difficult to see.
Megan gives her a sweet pep talk, though, all the while spraying her hair. As they say, “The higher the hair, the closer to God.” By that logic, I think we can safely call Megan this season’s spiritual adviser. Like the Pope. Or Yoda.
Back in the common room,Mackenzie breaks the news to everyone that Kardashley is a virgin, and Becca is all, like, “Oh yeah, that? Me, too.”
Please take a moment to remember I totally predicted last week that Becca was the other bachelorette still in control of her v-card. But, for real, though, she’s awesome, and I kind of love her.
Upon learning about Kardashley, Carly delivers the most memorable line of the night: “Her mouth is not a virgin.” Heyyy-ohhhhh.
Britt confronts Soules about his intentions and, in light of her very valid questions, he struggles to respond. If she hadn’t mad-libbed him a verb when she did, I would have called the paramedics and alerted them that the Bachelor was suffering a small stroke.
Soules decides to skip straight to the rose ceremony, during which he doles out roses to Whitney, Carly, Megan, Samantha,Mackenzie, Kelsey, Becca, Kardashley and Britt.
That means Ashley S., Nikki, and Juelia are headed home.
Soules says a sweet goodbye to single mom and Widow Juelia but, let’s be real, we’re all waiting to see what bat-shit crazy stunt Ashley S. pulls.
He tells her to take care of herself (translation: seek professional help immediately); she babbles incoherently, makes owl noises and heads back to her life as a — *looking up what she does for a living* — hairstylist?! WTheActualF? People let this lady around their head with scissors? Oh, hell no.
She does admit that she “feels nothing” before leaving, which, coincidentally, is what sociopaths typically say just before they skin someone and wear their dermis like a jacket.
Seriously, though, the girls who get kicked off should get a consolation prize. Perhaps a nice potted plant. Or a cat.
Tune in next week, when Soules takes the girls river rafting and hot air ballooning, Carly gets her some and Kelsey may or may not be going into anaphylaxis from the beesting on her