10 Insults to expect on Justin Bieber's Comedy Central Roast
Ask and you shall receive, my friends. After years of hounding Comedy Central to "roast" him, Justin Bieber is getting his (and our) wish — the pop star is set to be skewered on March 7.
According to Us Weekly, Bieber has been begging for the network to hurl comedic barbs at him for quite some time, but they kept telling him to "create some more material."
Well, mission accomplished.
The Biebs has been raising some serious hell and making headlines for all the wrong reasons as of late, so the network will no doubt have plenty of ammunition. But will anything be off-limits?
We doubt it. Here are a few highlights you're almost certain to see.
1. Those Calvin Klein photos
When Bieber, ahem, popped up online in photos for a racy Calvin Klein campaign in nothing but some skivvies, it quickly became the bulge debated 'round the world — especially when photos began circulating that "proved" CK had given the Biebs the Photoshop equivalent of a sock in the jockeys. We can't imagine Bieber's little peen won't be fair game for comedic fodder. Case in point? The hilarity that was Kate McKinnon's SNL parody of the peener-gate.
2. That face, though
What the what is with Bieber's plastered-on look of puzzlement? Or whatever that thing is he does with his eyebrows. My toddler walks around with that same face, which is typically followed by, "I pooped." At least he was smiling in his mug shot, even if it looked remarkably like a "before" picture from a Proactiv commercial.
3. His presidential pardon-mwah
Let's throw back to the summer of 2013, shall we? It just warms my heart to think of all the classic Bieber shenanigans going on that year — including (but clearly not limited to) peeing into a mop bucket, followed by faux-peeing with a squirt bottle on a portrait of President Clint while shouting out, "F*** Bill Clinton!" Always keepin' it classy, that kid.
4. The gas-mask phase
Like Stonehenge before it, Bieber's gas-mask-wearing-phase is a mystery that may never be solved. Thankfully, he outgrew it before he could spawn offspring, start dangling them over hotel balconies while wearing it and dubbing them something nonsensical like Blanket or Vader.
5. The Selena Gomez saga
They were together, and then they weren't. Only they secretly were. Or were they? Did he cheat? Who were those Brazilian chicks? Were they on a break then? I've been in a constant state of confusion since Bieber first started hooking up with Selena Gomez, so suffice it to say I'm relieved it's finally over. I think. I can't wait to see what Comedy Central has to say about this drama-filled teenage fling.
6. His non-stache
Mustaches are inherently a little creepy, and the Biebs sports the creepiest kind — the barely there 'stache, which makes him look like an impossible combination of man-child and child abductor.
7. Orlando Bloom's wrath
Did Miranda Kerr really hook up with Bieber? God, I hope not. But whatever she was doing with him was enough to make Kerr's ex Orlando Bloom mad enough to throw a punch Biebs' way at a nightclub in Ibiza last year. C'mon, Biebs. Nobody messes with Legolas. Nobody.
8. The great egg-cident
You might say Bieber ended up with egg on his face on Jan. 9, when LA County sheriffs responded to a call in Biebs' gated Calabasas community alleging the singer had pelted his neighbor's home with eggs. Although no charges were filed, the neighbors later posted a video claiming to catch the egg-sailant mid-attack. If Comedy Central picks him apart over this, he'll be getting egg-xactly what he deserves. OK, OK, I'll stop.
9. Anne Frank fanfare
Oh, Biebs. Biebs, Biebs, Biebs, Biebs, Biebs. In 2013, when he visited the Anne Frank House in Amsterdam, he decided it would be appropriate to sign the guest book with a little flair. "Anne was a great girl. Hopefully she would have been a belieber." Not surprisingly, people were none too pleased.
10. That bratty deposition
Why wouldn't Bieber want to be roasted on national television? He handles criticism like a champ, right? Except, wrong. During a now-infamous deposition last March over an upcoming court case, the Biebs did not take kindly to the attorney questioning him. The released clips were the brattiest five minutes ever seen outside of an episode of Toddlers & Tiaras. Obviously, being publicly lampooned on Comedy Central is going to go over super-well.