The Bachelor: Every (inappropriate) thought I had during Week 3
Last week, we lost Drunk Tara and — even though I'm still a little heartbroken over it — Chris Soules doesn't seem to be losing any sleep. This episode starts with the camera catching Soules sawing logs.
And, no, that isn't a euphemism or farm speak. Instead of giving him love ferns and free hugs, maybe someone should gift him a few Breathe Right strips.
All images courtesy of ABC
Then, a car pulls up and out steps — wait for it — Jimmy Kimmel. Yessss. Dear reality TV gods, please let Kimmel and Ashley S. the Onion Picker dominate this episode.
Kimmel wakes Soules up who, in his best Matthew McConaughey, mumbles, "What the shit?" In turn, Kimmel asks the one thing we're all thinking: "Are you naked?"
Alas, Soules' answer is no.
Back in the main house, Harrison informs the ladies that there will be another man in their life that week. They guess a pig. And a dog. Aaaand I'm legitimately concerned for the fate of our nation.
Unfortunately for the animal lovers in the group, the surprise guest is just Kimmel, who jokes, "Hello, sister wives." Everyone laughs uncomfortably because we all know this show is just a Bill Paxton away from being Big Love.
Cheerleader Nikki admits she wasn't expecting Kimmel and, since we're being honest, I wasn't expecting Nikki to not expect anything. Mainly because I didn't know she existed.
In what is undoubtedly the best thing ever to happen on The Bachelor (or ever), Kimmel informs the ladies that every time someone says 'amazing,' they must put a dollar in the 'amazing jar.' In related world news, ABC is now responsible for lowering the country's deficit by a trillion dollars.
Alternately, it would also have been fun if he made the girls take a shot every time someone said 'amazing' instead. Then I might feel less sad about losing Drunk Tara and Drunk Jordan. Drunk Jade or Drunk Whitney, anyone?
As Kimmel exits, he leaves behind a date invitation to join an "exclusive club" to Caitlyn.
In the car with Soules on the way to the date, Caitlyn the
aspiring comedian dance instructor's lady boner for Kimmel is on full display — "Are we doing something with Jimmy?"
In a surprising twist, they pull up to Costco and Caitlyn "I'm a totally real girl!" looks as though she might die. "Are we really getting out here?" she asks.
No, don't worry, hon. The car just stopped so the driver could hop out and grab a 720-pack of condoms for Soules. Haha, J/K... I hope.
Of course, for a girl who thought she was going on an extravagant date, she sure was dressed like Winona Ryder circa Reality Bites. Or Miley Cyrus, circa now.
Kimmel's note explaining the date points out that this is the kind of stuff real couples do together and, while I want to argue the point, trolling Costco for super deals is like foreplay for me and the hubs. Besides, have you ever had their pizza? It's affordable and delicious. Look into, homes. You can thank me later.
Kimmel gives Caitlyn and Soules a shopping list which includes nonsensical things like enough ketchup to fill a hot tub, which reminds me of that sweet scene in Patch Adams where Robin Williams fills a swimming pool with noodles for some sweet old sick lady as Philip Seymour Hoffman looks on.
Caitlyn and Soules then crawl inside of a giant bubble ball. Some little kids come up and start pushing them, so naturally Soules thinks it's a good time to make his move. Ahh, nothing says romance like fondling each other in a giant blue inflated ovary.
P.S.: I know what the hubs and I will be picking up on our next Costco run/date night.
They then load up the car with obscene amounts of ketchup and drive off like the Clampetts with the trunk open and stuffed full of junk. I can't help but think that can't be legal, much like I think every time Soules flirts with Mackenzie the Child Bride.
Back at Soules' place for their official date dinner, Caitlyn remarks that it all felt so normal, what with him seasoning up the steaks and her pouring the bourbon. Apparently, Caitlyn lives in an episode of Mad Men.
Meanwhile, Soules seizes the moment to remind Caitlyn that life on the farm in Iowa is even less glamorous than a Costco run, and she swears that's what she actually likes about him. Then she proceeds to get hammered, 'cause how else is she going to continue to lie convincingly all night long?
I'd love to tell you what else the two discussed on their date, but apparently bourbon + farmer = Boomhauer.
If these two go on any more one-on-one dates, we're going to have to insist that ABC provide subtitles.
Thankfully, the incoherent conversation is punctuated by making out, so there's that. They've got some weird fish-kissing-vibe going on that seems decidedly unsexy to me. But what do I know? I think shopping at Costco is hot.
Kimmel finally shows up, not a moment too soon — listening to Soules giggle "like a woodpecker on wine coolers," as Jennifer Weiner so aptly described, and to Caitlyn wonder aloud when Kimmel might arrive was torture. 'Twas the TV equivalent of waterboarding.
Kaitlyn admits to Kimmel she has dated farmers before. Ones that, in her words, "were legit." Soules giggles off the dig, which I suspect is because soybeans aren't what he's really harvesting out there in Iowa. Wink wink, toke toke.
Turning up the heat, Kimmel asks Caitlyn how she'd feel if she and Soules ended up together but she later found out he boned a bunch of chicks in the fantasy suite. She says she'd be totally cool with it, which
is a total lie Kimmel and Soules are into.
Chris: "I was actually working on the pot stickers." Caitlyn: "That's what I call it, too, huh huh huh... working on the pot stickers." Kimmel: "Let's have a threesome, guys."
Boy, if I had a penny for every conversation that started that way....
Back at the main house, nearly all of the other ladies get an invitation to go on a group date. The invitation asks if they are ready to meet some real 'party animals' and here, in the moment pig and dog would be logical responses, the girls all seemed puzzled.
Back on the third wheel date, Soules calls Kimmel a dick, and it's the most I've liked him in an episode and a half.
Caitlyn and Soules then start Eskimo kissing, and I'm back to feeling like I want to wretch.
They get into the hot tub — which, in fact, was not filled with ketchup — where they talk about life and love and politics and the state of our country. Oh, wait, no. No, they just made out while Kimmel ate chicken wings and watched.
The cameras cut to footage of Jillian working out and the other girls admitting how intimidating she is. Because modesty is clearly her strong suit, Jillian points out, "I would be scared of me." If I were the other contestants, I'd be afraid she would grind me up into powder form and imbibe me in a protein shake.
Once again, her ass' black box makes an appearance, henceforth securing her fate as Black Box Jillian.
On the group date, the girls are taken to a petting zoo for a hoedown throwdown which, let's face it, could mean something entirely different on this show.
When Kimmel explains that the girls are going to have to gather chicken eggs, milk goats and wrestle a greased pig, I have flashbacks of Ashley S. the Onion Picker double-tapping the faux-zombies on last week's paintball date.
Should she really be allowed around cute barnyard creatures? I would not put it past her to pull a Lord of the Flies and start wandering around with a pig's head on a stick.
When it comes time to drink the fresh goat's milk, Carly the Cruise Ship Singer chugs it despite being lactose intolerant, which could lead to a very interesting night in the worst kind of way.
Elsewhere, Mackenzie the Child Bride jokes that the cows are mooing at Jillian's ass; Kelsey gags trying to drink the goat's milk; and Amber wins the most unfortunate line of the night when she describes the goat's milk as being "warm and salty... not something I like in my mouth."
Black Box Jillian leaps over the fence into the pig enclosure in a blur of ass cheek and "Stay Classy" tank top, but the pigs flee right into Carly the Cruise Ship Singer's arms.
She does a little victory dance and asks, "How's my butt now, Jillian?" Wait, I clearly missed a pivotal plot point somewhere.
She squeals that this is, like, the first blue ribbon she's ever won, and it is becoming increasingly clear that Kimmel needs to create a 'like' jar, too.
Later, in the evening portion of the group date, Carly — bolstered by her recent pig wrestling experience — steals him right from the get-go of the first date. Not wasting any time, she cuts to the chase and goes in for a kiss.
Then, in the blink of an eye, Carly disappears and Amber the Bartender is there with Soules.
As she asks him to slow dance, she says, "Just pretend it's our wedding." 'Cause speaking to dudes about your future nuptials after only a few days always goes super well.
Then — boom — he's making out with Amber. And — boom — he's making out with Jillian. And — boom! — Mackenzie the Child Bride is not having it.
Experiencing a fit of jealousy, as 12-year-olds often do, she demands to know why Soules is making out with other girls after he kissed her.
Mackenzie, meet The Bachelor. The Bachelor, Mackenzie.
Finally, Becca the chiropractic assistant from San Diego steals a few minutes alone with Soules, at which time she does the unthinkable: dares not to make out with Soules. Get it, girl. Well, er, you know what I mean. But will it prove to be the non-kiss of death?
Back at the house, Caitlyn is still wearing her date night bra top. Then again, she could have simply picked up a 57-pack of them on her date at Costco.
Whitney the fertility nurse aka Baby Maker finds out she'll be the next gal getting some one-on-one time with Soules, and she starts to cry.
On the group date, Soules gives a rose to Becca, eliciting the first official "crazy stare" from Ashley S. the Onion Picker of the entire night.
The next day, Whitney the Baby Maker joins Soules on the only date of the evening that Kimmel likely didn't have a hand in — a sweet picnic followed by some good old-fashioned wedding crashing.
He tells her he wants a girl who can "roll the cob" and, once more, I'm convinced his latest harvest has been of the cannabis variety.
When she says "YOLO" and he says their wedding crashing is "on the down low" — both said non-ironically, if you can believe that — I'm convinced fate has brought these two together.
They end up on the dance floor with the bride and groom of their crashed wedding, and I must admit Soules does the best fish-being-reeled-in dance I've ever seen, by far.
As they cap off the night slow dancing, they start to make out. Amazingly — put it on my tab, Kimmel — it actually seems sweet and natural.
And now we're in the outdoor shower with Soules (again), only this time he's sharing his hot water with Kimmel. After showering with Soules, though, Kimmel breaks the news to the ladies that they'll be skipping the evening's cocktail party in lieu of a daytime pool party.
Obviously, show producers have decided to see this whole sexist bikini charade thing they've got going on through to the end. That's good news for Black Box Jillian, whose ass has been dying for more screen time since it was last censored in the pig wrestling round.
While Ashley I. the "freelance journalist" mourns the loss of her chance to "do my Kardashian look tonight," Megan the makeup artist declares this to be the "most best day ever."
Soules cannonballs into the pool full of women and — Heyo! What do you know? — Jillian's ass bar floats by.
Juelia steals Soules away, where she tells the entire story of her husband's suicide. The expression "There's a time and a place for everything" may have been invented for this very moment.
Britt, Jade and Jillian all make their moves on Soules — each scoring makeout sessions, because The Bachelor. This causes Kardashley to go into "super-finding Chris mode." Funny, it sent me into super-drinking-wine-straight-out-the-bottle-while-simultaneously-doing-crossword-puzzles-to-try-to-combat-the-brain-cell-lossage-incurred-by-said-wine-and-listening-to-this-convo:
Megan: "How do I look? Cracky?" Ashley I: "Not cracky at all." Mackenzie: "Like a crack whore, or what?"
In the hot tub, Black Box Jillian starts kissing Soules aggressively, so Mackenzie the Child Bride interrupts.
Kardashley and Megan join in the coup, and I'm semi-surprised Black Box Jillian doesn't pop their arms out of the sockets like human Barbies and beat the girls with them for the intrusion.
The injustice of Black Box Jillian is too much for poor Kardashley, who begins to bawl.
When Soules comes searching for her, she drags him upstairs, alternates maniacally laughing and crying and then starts kissing him. She gets so into it, she nearly pulls him over the balcony, strengthening my suspicion that she's going to go Fatal Attraction at some point this season and start boiling bunnies.
Before the rose ceremony, Kimmel tells Soules, "Whatever you do, don't be yourself. Be someone that gives better speeches."
It touched my soul.
Jade, Juelia, Mackenzie, Kelsey, Britt, Megan, Carly, Nikki, Jillian, Ashley S., Ashley I. and Samantha all get roses. Wait, who the f*** is Samantha?
That means Amber the Bartender, Real Housewife Trina and Tracy the School Teacher are headed home. In the vein of Drunk Tara, Amber's parting shot is a little insight into her wounded soul: "There has to be someone out there who wants to be with me."
But in the truest two minutes of the night, Kimmel gets sent packing as the credits roll, and faux-bawls, "But we spent four days together!"
Can we get a petition going to have Kimmel cameo every week? 'Cause that would be amazing.
Stay tuned next week for what promises to be one hell of a recap as a second virgin in the house is revealed (my money is on Becca), Caitlyn strips on a group date and Ashley looks to officially lose her shit.
Ahh, fun times.
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