Confession: Why Justin Bieber, no matter how ripped, will never be hot

Jan 6, 2015 at 9:40 p.m. ET
Image: WENN

Following in the jockstraps of hotties before him like Mark Wahlberg and Kellan Lutz, Justin Bieber stripped down to reveal a pair of iconic Calvin Klein briefs and a shockingly ripped physique.

But the briefs aren't the only, er, pair the 20-year-old pop star put on display — the Biebs seems intent on proving his cup really do runneth over, if you catch my drift.

More: Justin Bieber's Calvin Klein ad gives a clear view of his package (PHOTOS)

So what's the problem, right? A hot, tatted body stripped down to nothing but his CKs... generally, I'd be all for this kind of late-in-the-day distraction. (One can only watch a YouTube video of a cat riding a Roomba so many times.)

I mean, just look.

Justin Bieber

Image: Instagram/Justin Bieber

Hot, right?


Wait, no. Nope. Not gonna happen. Bieber all grown up with a manly physique feels somehow... unnatural.

All the essentials are there. He has chiseled features and a chiseled body to match. Abs for days. Other, ahem, assets. Still, I just can't find him attractive. Considering his age, I'm sure most correctional facilities would consider that a plus in my favor.

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Really, though, what's the deal? When Nick Jonas stripped down to his Calvins for Flaunt magazine last fall, I was all like, "Daaaaang, Jonas! Is that a sock in your jockeys or are you just happy to see me?" I didn't even hate the posterior shot of his hairy little upper cheek cavern... although, admittedly, it sounds pretty sketchy now.

Point being, I could concede that Jonas was legitimately hot — early 20s age be damned.

Is it the fact that Bieber has a knack for bratty behavior? His reputation obviously precedes him wherever he goes, and that apparently includes Calvin Klein billboards, if you ask my libido.

Or is it the fact that when I look at him, I feel like a Miley Cyrus "edit" is staring back at me? From the neck down, I see the super-buff body of a grown-ass man. But his face. His face! I still see the bright-eyed baby face of the Justin Bieber of yore, swoopy hair and all.

Justin Beiber

Image: Instagram/Justin Bieber

And that, my friends, is enough to completely skeeve me out.