The Bachelor: Every (inappropriate) thought I had during the premiere

Jan 6, 2015 at 12:15 a.m. ET
Image: ABC

Let me confess: I've not been a "lifelong" Bachelor watcher. True, I've caught the occasional season. And I was super stoked to interview host, Chris Harrison, last year.

This season, though, might just turn me into a total Bachelor convert — and it's all thanks to the 33-year-old hunky farmer from Arlington, Iowa, in the hot seat.

More: Chris Soules is in love before The Bachelor even starts, but with whom?

I mean, seriously. Did you see him try to win over Andi Dorfman on Season 10 of The Bachelorette? Could he be any frickin' cuter?!

Plus, here's the brutal truth... after dealing with Juan Pablo last season, we could all use a palate cleanser, and I think Soules is just the tall drink of water to do the trick.

So, after suffering through what seemed like for-e-ver to see this fine country specimen at the helm, I couldn't wait to catch the premiere.

And, oh boy, it didn't disappoint.

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As the camera pans over scenic stretches of farmland, Soules rasps, "Iowa is God's country." And all I can think is , "Honey, I believe it. 'Cause clearly he sent down an angel from the promised land when he made you, my friend."

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The motorcycle was a nice touch, too. Very James Dean meets Jimmy Dean. Yep, that's a compliment.

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Soules then says he feels like the luckiest man alive to be the next Bachelor, but I'm struggling to pay attention because his dimples keep distracting me. I'd like to fill 'em with syrup and dip French toast sticks in 'em. Uh, yeah, so... moving on.

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He walks through fields knee-deep in some crop, talking about his family's history of farming. Am I alone in wondering about snakes? Are there snakes in Iowa? Shouldn't he be wearing big rubber boots or something?

More: The Bachelor — amazing facts about the 30 contestants you must know

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OMG. The vest. The laugh. The flannel. I die. I'm thinking this could be the cover of a very successful "Farm Boys of America" calendar.

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Soules pops into the local barn, er, bar to hang out with a bunch of old dudes. When he says he wants to be the Bachelor because otherwise it might take him his entire life to meet 25 women, I believe him. This might, in fact, be the most genuine and, well, practical reason for going on the show ever.

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Push-ups on hay bales? Yes, please! Cody from Soules' season of The Bachelorette is training him and — surprise — he isn't wearing a yellow V-neck and he doesn't look like Macklemore's long-lost metrosexual cousin anymore. So yay for that!

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Cue the dramatic music and far-off stare as Soules begins his journey to California. What are we looking at? If this were a horror movie, this is the moment freaky demented children of the corn would pop out and drag Chris' manly body into the maze of husks behind him.

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"I don't think I'm counting my chickens before they hatch, but I really do believe I can find the woman of my dreams on this journey, and I can't wait." Aw, shucks. Here's hopin', big fella!

Now, let's meet some of those ladies, shall we? Here are the highlights, since there are 30. Yes — 30.

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Hmm. Britt is a 27-year-old waitress from Hollywood. She's gorgeous and bubbly and, let's be real, the cynical bitch inside of me says there's no way this aspiring actress, er, waitress will be happy living on a farm in Iowa. Still, she's super cute. And, in her words, "a feeler, for sure." That's going to make for some interesting one-on-ones.

More: 5 Reasons seeing Chris Soules live will make or break The Bachelor

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Meet Jillian from D.C. She's 25, a national news producer and she could break you in half with her super-muscly thighs. I love how she tells the camera finding love is a competition and she's open to the idea that Chris might be good for her. Let's hope, sweetie. That's kind of the idea.

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I could practically smell the crazy coming off Amanda, the 24-year-old ballet instructor from Illinois.

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Whitney, a 29-year-old fertility nurse from Chicago seems sweet enough, although I can't tell if she is trying to baby talk in her intro or if that's just the way she sounds. More on that as it develops.

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Is it just me, or does Mackenzie look every bit the 21 years young that she is? Disclaimer: Her son, Kale, is precious and his dimples could give Soules' a run for his money. But 21? Really?

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The story of Kelsey — the 28-year-old widow from Austin, Texas — got me right in the feels. What do you mean? No, I didn't cry. I was cutting onions. And I have allergies. Honestly, I kind of adore her already and I suspect Soules' will, too. (If nothing else, he'll certainly appreciate her hot paddle boarding body).

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The cameras cut back to a slightly overwhelmed Soules, who is getting fitted for his tux. "It fits good everywhere but here and here," he tells the tailor, gesturing to his... inseam. Oh, ladies. This is looking good for you.

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And we're back on the ranch now. Not that I'm really complaining, but why is he showering in the outdoor shower? Is there not an indoor shower? What's going on here?

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As the first limo pulls up, Soules understandably looks like a kid in a candy store, while Amanda the ballet instructor solidifies her fate as the girl who says "panty dropper" on national TV.

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Britt, the aspiring actress, I mean, waitress gets to meet Soules first. She does some pretty heavy breathing during their hug, then slips him a note offering another free hug later. He looks pretty primed to take her up on the offer. When she says she already knows she likes him so she has "a leg up," I can't help but wonder if it's a poor choice of words or foreshadowing.

More: ABC has picked its next Bachelor and it's Chris Soules

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Soules seems especially excited about the blond hair and blue eyes of Megan, a 24-year-old makeup artist from Nashville, Tennessee. But I'm pretty sure they didn't exchange more than 15 words and at least three of them were "amazing," "awesome" and "excited."

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Oh, my. I predict Trina, the 33-year-old special education teacher rocking the side pony, could be a bit of a drama queen. She's got a certain Real Housewives of Orange County vibe about her.

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Let's all take a minute to thank 28-year-old Reegan for showing future contestants what not to do to impress a bachelor. Namely, bring along a biohazard cooler and give him an alarmingly realistic *fake* heart. Also, who the hell knew "cadaver tissue saleswoman" was a job?

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First impressions of 26-year-old Tara, who showed up in cowgirl boots and Daisy Dukes? No. 1, she's clearly confident in being herself. No. 2, I'm pretty sure "sport fishing enthusiast" is code for unemployed.

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The mean girl starts to come out in the other contestants when they catch sight of Tara's ensemble. Boo on them! Cadaver Girl looks particularly smug for someone who brought a fake heart in a frickin' cooler.

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Uh-oh. Here comes crazy. Amanda the ballet instructor refuses to let Soules see her when she exits the limo, calling herself a "secret admirer." I'm pretty sure visions of Fatal Attraction are flashing through his head at this point.

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Ashley S., the 24-year-old hairstylist from Brooklyn, looks at first like she kind of isn't sure where she is. Nope, wait... she just looks perpetually surprised. Like, it's her face.

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Leave it to Kaitlyn from Vancouver to spice things up. When she tells him he can "plow the f*** out of my fields any day," Soules might actually have a mini-stroke.

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Harrison interrupts to chat with Soules for a minute and Soules says someone should slap him and wake him up. Harrison obliges and it's glorious. He then sends Soules inside to meet the ladies waiting.

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Ashley S. — aka Surprised Girl — goes in for the hug first. Naturally, she looks surprised.

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Kaitlyn decides to break the ice by telling a joke. "Why did the walrus go to the Tupperware party? Because he wanted to find a tight seal!" Oh, my. This one's a bit raunchy, no?

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Britt steals Soules away and talks about being his safe haven. Which makes me think of the movie with Josh Duhamel. Which reminds me she's an aspiring actress, y'all. Still, I have to admit I kind of think she's adorable. Touché! Soules is definitely impressed with her.

More: Could host Chris Harrison be the next Bachelor?

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You can practically cut the chemistry with a knife when Becca, a pretty chiropractic assistant from San Diego, shows up. Soules looks her up and down and is essentially speechless. Dang, girl... do yo' thang!

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In news that should surprise no one, Kaitlyn "you can plow my field" girl earns the first official bleep of the night. Only time will tell if she adds that to her résumé.

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While all of the other girls vie for Soules attention, Surprised Girl wanders into the courtyard and starts talking about how people are like onions and you cut them and peel them back. Then, convinced she sees an onion in a bush, she proceeds to pick a pomegranate.

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Mmmkay.

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Somewhere else on the ranch, Tara the sports fishing enthusiast comes to the realization she's had too much Jack on the rocks. "I'm a f***ing train wreck. Uhh." If that isn't a solid sales pitch, I don't know what is.

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Soules caps off the night by handing the first impression rose to — wait for it — Britt! The actress, er, waitress. The two then share a pretty steamy makeout sesh as she clutches the wilting rose.

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One thing's for sure... these two would make some awfully cute babies.

Stay tuned!

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