Why I hate Christmas music so freaking much
Starting the day after Thanksgiving, the shopping malls, the gym, even Starbucks blast the same "happy holiday music" I've heard my whole life. l get it, some people like it, but for me, it's like listening to nails jingle down a red and green chalkboard. Can we at least nix these seven songs from the playlist?
1. "Jingle Bells"
Sorry, not Pearl Jam, Michael Bublé or even The Beatles could make this chirpy, clanging song cool with their covers. We think the it's the bells. A little bit of the tiny silver bells goes a long way. Cowbell, on the the other hand, is something we could always use more of.
2. "12 Days of Christmas"
I don't know about you, but if my "true love" gave me "a partridge in a pear tree" for Christmas, I think he might need a "vacation" that involved a doctor and some meds. What does a partridge in a pear tree mean, anyway? Is the bird to eat or to keep as a pet? Will it stay in the pear tree, or do you cook the pears when you broil the bird? Too many questions — and that's only the first day. The other days only bring more avian gifts like turtle doves, French hens, calling birds, swans and geese. Can anyone say "bird flu?" They should call this song "Divorce by Christmas birds."
3. "White Christmas"
Featured in the 1942 musical Holiday Inn, "White Christmas" went on to win the Oscar for Best Song in a Motion Picture. That was 72 years ago. These days, I'm not dreaming of a snowy Christmas that means massive delays at the airport. I'm dreaming of a Christmas that takes place on sunny beach, where my cell phone reception is limited so calls my from family are legitimately dropped and I can drink a margarita all day.
4. "Linus and Lucy," aka the Peanuts theme song
This piano composition, written by Vince Guaraldi, was introduced to TV audiences in 1965 in the animated holiday special A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's a jazzy tune, but it feels so 20th century. Can't we get a new song written for some of our more modern CGI friends? I'd like to suggest "A Very Hobbit Holiday," sung by Bilbo Baggins from The Hobbit: The Battle of Five Armies, "Groot Builds a Snowman," sung by Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy or possibly "Mockingjay Under the Mistletoe," sung by Katniss — will she kiss Peeta, Gale or both?
5. "Away in a Manger"
I get that Jesus had humble beginnings; that's what separated him from all the wealthy, high-born royals of the time. But trying to glorify being born in a barn is just wrong. Instead of they lyrics saying, "The stars in the bright sky looked down where He lay, The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay," how about something a little closer to reality, like, "The stars in the sky can't sterilize the manger, Little Lord Jesus' immune system's in danger."
Image: Carsten Windhorst/Wenn
6. "Deck the Halls"
I can deal with all the "Fa la la la la's" you can throw at me, but "Don we now our gay apparel" means something entirely different in 2014 than when it was first published in 1866. Hey, whatever happened to the lyric that goes, "Fill the mead cup, drain the barrel"? Now we're talking!
7. "Silent Night"
This is one of those song everyone thinks they can sing, but really can't. The three-syllable "Si-i-lent' and "Ho-o-ly" before "night" makes it just wretched to listen to. Besides, why are we singing if it's supposed to be a night of silence?
What Christmas songs do you hate? Tell us in the comments section below.