25 Crappy Christmas movies that are so bad, we love them
Bad Christmas movies are just like subpar Christmas cookies. You know they're awful but you can't stop consuming them, because at the end of the day, who cares? It's Christmas!
It's officially December, and you know what that means: time to gorge all five senses with all things Christmas. There's Christmas music for your earholes, cinnamon-scented everything for your nose, fuzzy sweaters to touch and delicious cookies to cram down your gullet. We've got your eyeballs covered with these 25 Christmas movies that are so bad they're good. Yes, it's technically the second day of the month, but that doesn't mean you can't binge-watch every awful movie on this list before Christmas rolls around.
1. Happy Naked Christmas (2003)
Also known as Happy Ero Christmas, where the Ero is short for erotic, this movie is hands-down the weirdest on the list, in which a low-ranking police officer and a mob boss battle for a woman's virginity by Christmas. Not really safe for work, but amazingly bad, so try to squeeze it in if you can.
2. All American Christmas Carol (2013)
Poor Taryn Manning. She is doomed to be typecast into trailer-park trash roles for the rest of her life. Pennsatucky stars in this one as a trashy mom who gets a visit from three ghosts who show her how to not suck. Lots of mullets to be had.
3. The Christmas That Almost Wasn't (1966)
Proof that not all nostalgia is good, this movie chronicles the trials of Santa Claus as he struggles to pay the rent on the North Pole. It is both terribly depressing and terribly dubbed into English from Italian. Enjoy.
4. Santa Baby (2006)
As a rule, we don't expect made-for-TV movies to be cinematic masterpieces, but this one, starring Jenny McCarthy as Santa's daughter Mary, is just hard to watch.
5. Santa Baby 2: Christmas Maybe (2009)
This one is even harder.
6. Santa with Muscles (1996)
In an attempt to capitalize on Hulkomania, this film cast Hulk Hogan as an evil millionaire. Nothing could be better than the Wikipedia synopsis on this film, so here it is:
"Whilst on the way to a cage match one day, [Blake is] chased by the police, he drives recklessly in his car to a shopping mall and hides out inside, changing into a Santa Claus costume. He slides down a garbage chute to escape the police and bangs his head to get amnesia. Mistaken by Lenny (Don Stark) as the mall Santa, Blake begins to think he is Santa Claus. Meanwhile, Evil scientist Ebner Frost (Ed Begley Jr.) tries to take over an orphanage in order to gain access to the magical crystals underneath it and dispatches his henchmen to destroy it, but Blake manages to save the children."
7. Happy Christmas (2014)
Oh, Anna Kendrick, why? This film got excellent reviews, but the unwashed masses beg to differ. It has a whopping one-star average on Netflix, and appears to be trying to bore us all to death under the pretense of "dramedy." Anna plays a millennial who can't get it together, so she goes to live with her boring brother. That's mostly it.
8. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)
This movie is consistently considered one of the worst movies of all time, and it's amazing. I don't want to spoil the plot too much, but let's just say that Santa is abducted to Mars when the Martians decide that he's corrupting their vulnerable Martian children. High jinks ensue.
9. Santa's Slay (2005)
Not to be left off of the wrestlers-as-actors bandwagon, this film starts wrestler Bill Goldberg as an evil Santa who kills people by drowning them in eggnog and suffocating them with turkey legs. Perfect if you enjoy holiday themed gore — and who doesn't?
10. Surviving Christmas (2004)
Ben Affleck, and not the good kind, either.
11. Santa Buddies (2009)
Santa Buddies is a spin-off of Air Buddies, the talking Golden Retriever puppies who were in turn a spin-off of Air Bud, the basketball-playing dog. In it, a bunch of puppies who represent borderline offensive stereotypes rescue Christmas from Mr. S. Cruge, who hates Christmas, shockingly enough.
12. The Search for Santa Paws (2010)
In turn, this movie is a spin-off of Santa Buddies and has it all: talking dogs, an imperiled Santa Claus, adorable orphans and a big-city adventure. If you like your Christmas movies formulaic and heavy handed, this one's for you.
13. Christmas Evil (1980)
In this prequel to Silent Night, Deadly Night, a young boy sees his mother being heavy-petted by his father, who is dressed up as Santa. So of course he grows up to be just like Santa, but more murder-y. You know, like you do.
14. Stalking Santa (2006)
This mockumentary about Santologist Dr. Lloyd Darrow is narrated by William Shatner and successfully taps into the lucrative market of Santa conspiracy theory comedy. Just kidding. It's terrible.
15. Christmas Miracle (2012)
This movie is presented by "famed artist" Thomas Kinkade, and chronicles the touching story of eight strangers stuck in a church on Christmas. It's immersive in that the religious aspect of the film is so heavy handed you'll feel like you're stuck in a church, too. On the other hand, this movie is just as good as his paintings.
16. The Christmas Consultant (2012)
Here we have David Hasselhoff being all Hasselfhoff-y as a Christmas party planner/Mary Poppins type. It's supposed to be a feel-good flick but manages to be pretty depressing instead, so it's great if you like your Christmas cheer with a little crushing sadness thrown in.
17. Fred Claus (2007)
This movie was made back when people still thought Vince Vaughn was funny. It follows Santa's lovable screwup brother Fred, and the only redeeming thing about it is a track by Ludacris called "Ludachristmas."
18. Holiday in Handcuffs (2007)
A disturbing tale about a man who is kidnapped and forced to enter into a farcical romantic relationship with Melissa Joan Hart. Just kidding, it's a romantic comedy about a man who is kidnapped and forced to enter into a farcical romantic relationship with Melissa Joan Hart.
19. Christmas with a Capital C (2011)
Evil atheist Mitch wants everyone in Trapper Falls, Alaska, to say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas," but quickly changes his tune once he realizes that his disbelief is just a manifestation of his inner turmoil and that he just needed to hug it out.
20. Battle Royale II: Requiem (2003)
This film checks back in on Shuya, a survivor of Battle Royale, which was the Hunger Games back before those were a thing. Shuya is now a terrorist, and while it's not particularly Christmas-y, it does occur around Christmas, and it's a Battle Royale film, so it counts because I say it does.
21. The Christmas Shoes (2002)
Remember that awful song about Christmas shoes that truckers, your grandmother, and probably Kirk Cameron really liked? Well, there's a movie about it, too. How they managed to stretch a 5-minute song into an hour-and-a-half-long movie is beyond me, but it's still as saccharine-sweet as the tune and will have you singing the song whether you like it or not.
22. Jack Frost (1997)
This cult favorite is about a serial killer who dies and comes back as a snowman. An evil, stabby snowman. It's horrible, but in the best possible way.
23. Jack Frost (1998)
By contrast, this one's about a mediocre father who dies and comes back as a snowman. A snowball-throwing, advice-giving snowman. It's not as good as the 1997 horror film, but the special effects actually manage to make the movie more terrifying.
24. How the Grinch Stole Christmas(2000)
Aka that time Jim Carrey ruined one of your favorite books and killed your childhood.
25. I'll be Home for Christmas (1998)
Remember this movie about JTT trying to race home for the holidays, where he has to leap over massive gaping plot holes? You do now. You're welcome, I guess.