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A Heartbroken Girl’s Guide to George Clooney’s Engagement

Well, sooner or later we have to face the truth. George Clooney is off the market, and there’s nothing we can do about it. So, read up and move on.

George ClooneyPhoto courtesy of

As you must well know now, the morbid curtain of darkness has descended upon the world with the announcement of George Clooney’s engagement to British lawyer, Amal Alamuddin. . . No one prepared us for this.

But so it is. People confirmed that the 52-year-old actor proposed to Alamuddin after less than seven months of dating, when she was spotted sporting a Jupiter-sized diamond ring on that finger on Thursday. Again, the world is cruel.

Alas, the seemingly eternal bachelor is a bachelor no more, and nothing makes sense. But we will make it make sense; don’t worry. In a humble effort to reach out to all the women out there currently buried in an Everest of tissues and barricaded by tubs of ice cream, here is what you need to know about this engagement and how to cope with the insurmountable grief. We can do this, ladies and gents!

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So, who is this woman?

George ClooneyPhoto courtesy of Iveta Rysava/

Obviously, we’d all like to know who is this Amal Alamuddin, who has achieved what seemed impossible and stomped all over our fantasies. First of all, she’s not a model or an actress or a celebrity at all for that matter. Alamuddin is a 36-year-old British lawyer specializing in international law and human rights. So, you can see how she got on well with Clooney there (who is a huge activist).

Second of all, she speaks three languages. Clooney would not pick just any girl; Amal is fluent in English, French and Arabic. We’re a little jealous. . .

Third of all, she’s pretty cool. Alamuddin was actually the one who represented WikiLeaks’ Julian Assange during his extradition extravaganza in Sweden. Neat, eh?

Let’s take a walk down memory lane…

George ClooneyPhoto courtesy of Frederic/Future Image/

In order to fully understand this miraculous event, we have to analyze the past. For example, does anyone even remember that Clooney was married once? Yes, Mr. Dreamboat was married to Talia Balsam from 1989 to 1993. Surprised?

The actor then went on to date numerous women like Lisa Snowdon, Elisabetta Canalis, Kelly Preston, Renée Zellwegger and Stacy Keibler. Not too shabby. The most surprising part is that Clooney has continuously voiced his disinterest in marriage, yet here we are. Love is such a fickle thing, isn’t it?

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What are we to do now?

George ClooneyPhoto courtesy of Brian To/

Listen, he has moved on. . . And so should we. It’s not going to be easy, but it needs to be done. Of course, we have a few suggestions to make the passing more comfortable and you are free to use one or all of the tips below.

  • Burn your George Clooney posters and framed pictures. Get rid of the face tattoo you have on your forearm: you don’t need to be reminded of the past every day.
  • Drown your sorrows in the fattest ice cream sundae in existence, but just once. Get it out of your system and move on to the low-calorie stuff or that soy goo.
  • Put on a Lionel Richie record and just sing, girl. All. Night. Long.
  • Rent Batman & Robin and laugh hysterically at Clooney’s suit (complete with nipples). You’ll feel better, we promise.

There you go. Now you’re well informed and taken care of. It’s going to be OK.

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