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Like Britney Spears, ban insecurity — literally

Britney Spears has made new headlines for reportedly banning attractive women from backstage on The X Factor. We’d like to apply the same logic to our lives, please and thank you.

Britney Spears

OK, so we all have our insecurities, but this gal is taking it to a whole new level.

Britney Spears has allegedly requested to have all attractive female staff banned from backstage of the popular talent show The X Factor. Say whaaa?

The singer joined The X Factor this year as a judge, sharing the panel with Demi Lovato, L.A. Reid and Simon Cowell. She has asked the producers to remove all well-dressed or pretty women from backstage because they make Spears feel insecure.

“Britney has stipulated that none of the female backstage staff working with her are too pretty or stylish,” a source told The Daily Star.

Well, isn’t that a magical land Spears lives in, where you can just remove people who make you feel uncomfortable… Game on, world! If she can do it, so can we.

This is our list of prohibitions we’d like implemented immediately.

Attractive, ridiculously fit female gym employees

Yes, these girls gotta go. If we so choose to attend a gym (like, four times a year), we’d like to not be plagued by women who look like they stepped off a fitness magazine cover. Especially if they try to chaperone our workouts and tell us they know exactly how we feel when we cannot manage five sit-ups without busting a blood vessel. Nope. Give us mediocre, somewhat flabby, well-fed gals we can relate to.

Natural beauties in the cosmetics department

Here’s the set-up: You’re in the cosmetics section looking for a new foundation, an anti-blemish stick and an eyeliner, when BAM! An au naturel woman glides in like Venus straight out of a Botticelli painting (and you could swear she’s actually glowing!), and she starts peeping at the same products. Girl, you needs be gone. If you’ve been blessed with clear skin and a face kissed by the gods, stay away from makeup! We use it to look more like you, so don’t come invading our turf and spoil the fun. We’ll protect you from yourself by banning natural beauties from coming within 10 feet of a cosmetic item.

Skinny fast food restaurant order takers

When we succumb to our cravings and derail from the righteous path of wholesome diets, we would like to remain ignorant of the side effects. Thin women taking our order of a double cheeseburger with a poutine, a hot apple pie and a large pop drink makes ignorance difficult. How can we yield to the greasy yumminess of junk food if our periphery is distracted by this scrawny woman rocking those jeans we really wanted, and who’s probably thinking we didn’t fold our love handles into the waistband of our pants quite as craftily as we believe? This is a constitutional matter! We want the freedom to stuff our face guilt-free.

So, dear government of Canada, if you could do this one tiny favour for us and implement these non-invasive bans, that’d be great. Thanks!


Photo courtesy of Drew Altizer /

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