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Jason preps favourite horror movie villains for Friday the 13th

Jason, the famous slayer from the Friday the 13th series, addresses movieland’s most famous horror film villains to ensure this is the scariest Friday the 13th ever.

Friday the 13th

Hey, guys.

Come on, settle in. Leatherface, is that a chainsaw? I explicitly asked everyone to check weapons at the door. Thank you.

All right, everyone. It’s game time. After Halloween, Friday the 13th is always our biggest day. This is our last one for 2012, so let’s make it the best one possible, OK?

Before we begin haunting people today, I just want to make sure everyone’s clear about these last-minute details. You should all have gotten the memo last night. Exorcist girl, I see you’ve carved it onto your stomach. Thank you for being so dedicated. Now please turn your head around to face me.

OK, first off, I want all the scary girls to wait until 8 p.m. until you’re seen. Make sure you find houses that have lots of corners and hiding places, especially you two sister ghosts from The Shining. Girl from The Ring, the more stairs you find, the better. Girl from Orphan, I’ll need you to change out of those sweatpants and into your dress, please. Don’t make me ask you again.

Chucky and Pennywise the Clown, make sure you’re in your stations by mid-afternoon. We want the kids to get scared before they go to bed, so Pennywise, try and time it out so that you make an appearance during bath time, and Chucky, don’t let yourself get hidden by the rest of the stuffed animals again. You have no reason to be shy.

Ghostface, I’ll ask that you stick to college campuses this time around. I know they’re mostly deserted, but the few summer school students who pull all-nighters in empty libraries tonight are just begging for some serious frightening. Have you had your scythe polished? Good.

I’m sorry, who are you? Katy Perry? No dear, this meeting is in honour of Friday the 13th, for horror film villains only. You’re looking for the meeting in honour of last Friday night. I think that’s down the hall.

Sorry about that, everyone. First Rebecca Black, now this.

Hannibal Lecter, I don’t want to hear you complaining about your mask today, all right? Half of us have to wear much more restricting masks than you do, and you don’t hear us whining. Just suck it up.

The Thing and The Blob, I know you’re getting a little old, so if you need to sit this one out, that’s fine with me.

As for me and Michael Myers, we’re going to be floaters, making sure you’re all at your appropriate stations at the correct times. We will be measuring the number and pitch of screams, as always. Last time wasn’t bad, but let’s really knock it out of the park today.

And Freddy, make sure you don’t just wait until the night to haunt people’s dreams. There are people all over the place taking naps in the sun; they deserve just as much attention.

It’s a pleasure working with you all. Let’s make this Friday the 13th one for the books!

Yes, Leatherface, you can go get your chainsaw now.

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