Octomom has begun a music career. We’re really not sure how to take the news that the mother of 14 has recorded a dance track. The optimists in us want to believe she’s not as bad a singer — and rapper — as we expect she is.
Well, ladies, the end of the world is nigh. We know this not because of a vivid dream we had or the famous 2012 Mayan prophecy; rather, because we recently got word that Nadya Suleman (a.k.a. Octomom) will be dropping a dance bomb — sorry, song — on August 1. TMZ has reported that the mother of 14, who famously gave birth to octuplets, has apparently already recorded a track called “Get on the Dance Floor,” in which she both sings and — wait for it — raps. Apparently Octomom felt so liberated after filming her sex tape that she was inspired to pursue other avenues that would let her express herself; hence, a dance single. If you need us, we’ll be in the bomb shelter.
It’s all rather perplexing, especially since Nadya, who, beyond neglecting her children and doing questionable things for money, seems to possess no discernable talent. And yet her song is being produced by DJ Mr. Mig and Mike Rizzo, both of whom have worked with some serious music industry heavyweights, such as Britney Spears and Beyonce. Did we mention that singer Adam Barta is accompanying Octomom on her single? It makes us momentarily consider the fact that maybe Nadya’s got some very well-hidden music chops after all.
If that is the case — and dear lord, do we ever hope it is — we expect a full album will follow what is sure to be at least a widely discussed (if seldom played) single. But instead of trying to make us think she’s a colleague of dance music big shots like Lady Gaga or Nicki Minaj, she should stick to songs that have to do with why we know who she is in the first place. We can’t think of a single artist who is writing songs about having millions of kids or what it’s like to pose nude for money. If she goes about it the right way, Octomom might finally have a lucrative career on her hands. We can picture it now: a club full of rowdy, neon-clad party kids getting crazy to the beats of “Ain’t No Pain (Like Delivering Octuplets)” or “I Bore It All 4 U.”
Of course, no album is complete without a power ballad. Fortunately Nadya has plenty of material to choose from to make hers a truly moving song. If she’s smart, she’ll feature her kids as a backup choir on the song, as she sings about being evicted and going bankrupt and making bad life decisions. But she’ll sing optimistically; at least she looks like Angelina Jolie. And people know her name. And her stretch marks aren’t even that bad.
The truth is that we kind of can’t wait until Octomom’s single comes out. We don’t strictly mean that in a malicious way, though. For everyone’s sake — most important, her kids’ — we pray that “Get on the Dance Floor” means the start of better days for Nadya Suleman. But we’re really not holding our breath.