The success rate of celebrity stalkers lately has been pretty abysmal. First Alec Baldwin’s stalker gets arrested, and now Jeff Goldblum has been granted a three-year restraining order against his. Our handy guide explaining the dos and don’ts of celebrity stalking will ensure you don’t find yourself next to those ladies in the back of a cop car.
Welcome, stalkers. We’ve called this emergency meeting because certain events have transpired recently that demand immediate attention. When we send each of you into the world to make celebrities’ lives difficult, we expect a certain amount of decorum to be followed. The training we provide you is not simply a loose guideline, but the foundation for a successful career in stalking. We pride ourselves on the fact that our representatives are lighter of foot, crazier of eye, and looser of screws than the rest of those amateur celebrity-crazed hounds and paparazzi out there. We don’t just get pictures of stars coming out of the shower — we’re in the shower with them.
Lately, some of you have begun to neglect the valuable lessons we’ve taught you, resulting in some truly shoddy work. To read that our very own trainee, Linda Ransom, Jeff Goldblum‘s dedicated stalker of 11 years, has been court ordered to remain 100 yards away from the actor for three years not only reflects poorly on her, but on the rest of us as well. The same can be said about Genevieve Sabourin, Alec Baldwin‘s stalker, who was arrested and charged with five misdemeanour counts of harassment and stalking; Stuart Lynn Dunn, whose attempted stalking of Mila Kunis led to him being held in prison on $190,000 bail; and Quamine Taylor, who entered Diddy’s home and made himself embarrassingly comfortable.
It appears that a refresher is in order, since what we’ve taught you apparently isn’t making a lasting enough impression. We hope this reminder of the basic dos and don’ts of celebrity stalking will mean a drastically decreased presence of news stories about stalkers who have been caught and charged. Remember: Without us, they wouldn’t be real celebrities.
- Research a ton. Find out everything you need to know about the stars, starting with when and where they were born (if you can find details on how and when they were conceived, that would be a bonus). Learn their likes, dislikes, what they smell like, how many scars they have, what their eyeglasses prescription is, etc. Become a greater expert on their lives than you are on your own. You will soon be thinking like them.
- Quit your job. This is a full-time commitment that requires 100 per cent focus at all times. Any other form of employment will hinder your abilities and make for distracted stalking.
- Move to the star’s city of residence. The most effective stalking can only be done within the closest possible proximity to a celebrity. If the celebrity has homes in more than one city, take a lot of vacations.
- Make friends with their friends and families. If the celebrity’s loved ones trust you, then he or she will likely trust you as well. Just make sure you don’t accidentally reveal how much you know about the star’s lower back pain at her sister-in-law’s baby shower, lest you appear creepy.
- Invest in wigs. It is imperative to look different every time you might make contact with the star. So after you’ve followed him or her from the grocery store to a restaurant, make sure you swap the blonde for the red. Hats and sunglasses are also handy.
- Remain calm no matter what, especially when you’re in the same vicinity as the star. You may feel the urge to scream his or her name, but this is a dead giveaway. If you do find yourself at a loss of self-control, find a bush to hide behind, and count backward from 100.
- Wear bright colours. For the most part, you don’t want to draw attention to yourself. That said, don’t overdo camouflage pattern clothing either. Fashion faux pas are just as arresting as a neon-pink shirt.
- Speak unless you’re spoken to. This may be the biggest challenge of all, since all you may want to do is rush the star and start a conversation about his or her ingrown toenail. However, celebrities generally like to maintain privacy. Instead, find ways to get them to speak to you: Stand in their way so they’ll bump into you and say “excuse me”; hold the door open so they’ll thank you; or fake a dizzy spell so they’ll help you up. These small exchanges will prove much more satisfying than you might think.
- Break into a star’s home. It may be hard to resist, especially when you know the celebrity is in the south of France for a couple of weeks, but it almost always backfires. There are much stealthier ways of getting your hands on a pair of a star’s underwear.
- Commit (or attempt) murder to get a star’s attention. It’s one of those things that bears repeating, especially now that many prospective stalkers are too young to know who John Hinckley is.
- Tattoo a star’s name anywhere on your body. It’s tempting to have the constant reminder of why to wake up each morning, but the risk is too great. Instead, write the name on every square inch of wall in your basement apartment.