With all this attention that Jennifer Love Hewitt’s breasts and Angelina Jolie’s leg are getting, we got to wondering what our favourite celebrities’ most famous body parts would say if they could talk to us.
Jennifer Love Hewitt is enjoying a career resurgence with her new show, The Client List, in which she plays a single mother who finds herself working at a massage parlor to provide for her family. And yes, it’s that kind of massage parlor. Jennifer fell off the map for a while there, and now we’re so glad she’s back in our lives, charming us all on the small screen once again. Yet it seems that J.Love’s return to television is being somewhat overshadowed by a couple of other rather large girls she knows.
Jennifer has always been regarded as a lady with enviable… endowments, shall we say. Now, what with the sexual content of her new show and a print ad campaign featuring a scantily clad and suggestively posed J.Love, those endowments are getting a healthy dose of their own attention. In a recent appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live!, for example, Jimmy featured an enormous close-up of Jennifer’s cleavage, emphasizing the most important part of the pervasive posters promoting The Client List. Jennifer’s breasts are like two very loud children, whose constant demand for attention makes the rest of Jennifer fade into the background.
It’s nothing new that a specific part of a celebrity’s body be scritinized relentlessly; nitpicking stars’ appearances is one of the many pastimes that comes with celebrity obsession. But we seem to be reaching a point where we care as much about stars’ body parts as we do about the star as a whole. One of the best examples of this is the whole Angelina Jolie leg fiasco, when, after her right leg made a grand appearance at the Oscars, it had its own Twitter account and was one of the most talked about things on the internet. People couldn’t wait to see what Angie’s leg had to say. It was virtually detached from Angie’s body and given a life of its own.
And so, with this animation of — and intense attention devoted toward — stars’ specific body parts, we got to thinking about what some celebrities’ famous assets might say if they could speak. Because, as we have seen with the popularity of Jennifer’s breasts and Angie’s leg, stars’ body parts might start to need their own publicists pretty soon.
Jennifer Lopez‘s butt
“Listen, I’m absolutely Jennifer’s biggest supporter. She and I do everything together, and she can always lean on me if she’s feeling weary or low on energy. But let’s be honest: She wouldn’t be where she is today if it weren’t for me. Yes, her face is beautiful, but I’m the one designers want to dress and to show off their clothes on the red carpet. I’m the one from whom Jennifer pulls her most noncommittal ‘judgments’ on American Idol. I put the ‘Lo’ in J.Lo. I’m the biggest thing about Jennifer, and I think it’s about time I was given my due face time and was no longer left behind.”
The Situation‘s abs
“If I get shoved under one more ridiculous T-shirt and then exposed on a whim for the camera, I swear to God I’m going to turn convex. I’m not some slave you can do whatever you want with. Show a little respect for your most redeeming quality, Michael. Lord knows it’s not your brain. Yeah, that’s right — brain. I said it! You wanna come down here and fight?”
Donald Trump‘s hair
“We made the conscious decision to stay with Mr. Trump years ago, even when nature dictated that we should abandon head. Mr. Trump is a winner through and through, a man with an iron will, right down to us, his steadfast follicles. We don’t mind being hairsprayed into oblivion or getting dyed this questionable colour. We stand strongly atop Mr. Trump’s head, a stiff, orangey crown of success and determination. We represent — nay, we are — Donald Trump.”
Jessica Simpson‘s baby bump
“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE ALREADY!”
Image courtesy WENN.com