Sean “Diddy” Combs is up to his finely iced ears in a bizarre Mother Goose-esque break-and-enter situation. Here, we tell the story of what (loosely) happened, as written by the mother queen of fairy tales herself.
Once upon a time, there was a mentally unstable man named Quamine Taylor who, according to his kindly mother, had recently gone off his medication. Due to his unmedicated state, Quamine’s lust for adventure was even greater than usual, and one day, he set off on a walk through the enchanted village of the Hamptons.
It wasn’t long before he came upon the most charming mansions of them all. Quamine was so taken with this home that he decided to pay it a more personal visit. He walked right up to the basement door and knocked three times. Quamine heard no answer, and so he decided to open the door and let himself in.
The house was even more charming on the inside, and Quamine instantly felt very much at home. Suddenly he heard a grumbling. Was it a bear? No, it was his stomach. After all that walking, he had worked up quite an appetite. Quamine made his way into the spacious kitchen and soon helped himself to some porridge, which he initially thought was a strange thing to be just sitting on the counter, but he ultimately enjoyed very much.
But all the porridge made Quamine very thirsty. He spotted the liquor cabinet and took out three bottles of vodka. First he took a sip of the Balkan, but it was too strong. Then he took a sip of the Shakers, but it was too weak. Finally he took a sip of the Ciroc, and it was just right. He drank and drank until he wasn’t thirsty anymore.
Quamine was feeling pretty good, but soon he noticed that the lights were making his head hurt. He made his way up the stairs and found a table covered in the most beautiful designer sunglasses in all the land. He tried on one pair— the Guccis — but they were too dark. Then he tried on a second pair — the Ray-Bans — but they were too light. Finally he tried on a third pair — the Sean Johns — and they were just right. Just as Quamine’s headache started to fade, he lost his balance and broke the sunglasses on the table. This was certainly a bigger adventure than he’d ever had before, and Quamine knew it was time for a nap.
Quamine stumbled around into many different rooms until he saw what looked like a bed. With relief, he collapsed onto the welcoming surface, but hit it with a loud “thud.” In his very hazy state, Quamine confused a much-too-hard-for-sleeping pool table for a bed. He rolled himself off the table and made his way into the next room. There, he spotted another bed awaiting his sleepy weight. He happily lay down, but he was soon enveloped by cushions, for this was not a bed, but an overstuffed couch. It was much too soft to sleep on, so Quamine released himself from the clutches of the couch’s cushions and set off once again to find the perfect bed. Finally he entered a large room holding what was unmistakably the most perfect bed he’d ever seen. And just in time too, for Quamine would surely pass out in a hot second. He made himself comfortable in this luxurious bed (which could have been a bit firmer, to be honest, but he didn’t care at this point) and drifted off to sleep.
Not long after, the property’s caretaker came to the house. As he was going about his work, he noticed that the vodka had been drunk. “Someone’s been through the vodka!” he said. Then he went upstairs and noticed the broken sunglasses. “Someone’s been going through the sunglasses!” he said. Then he heard some snoring coming from the master bedroom. He entered cautiously and said, “Someone’s sleeping in Diddy‘s bed!” And he called the police, who charged Quamine with trespassing and petty larceny and then held him in custody in lieu of $2,000 bail.
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