Disney has just released the trailer for the latest adaptation of Cinderella, to be released in March 2015. Watching it reminded us that there are certain aspects of the story line we bought when we were, uh, 8 years old — but we’re grown-a** women now, and we’re not falling for it anymore. Here are just a few things about Cinderella’s tale that make us roll our adult eyes.
So we get that the stepmother was punishing Cinderella through housework, and who can argue with that? Housework does feel like punishment. But we’re supposed to believe the wealthy stepmother and stepsisters live in that enormous house with no staff? Please.
Also, Cinderella is steadfastly dedicated to her chores, and if that were us, we’d be half-a**ing our way through the to-do list. We wouldn’t be on our hands and knees scrubbing the floor. (Who does that?) We’d be haphazardly grazing over the surface with a Lysol wipe and calling it good while plotting the stepmother’s untimely demise.
2. Friendly mice
Uh, no. Maybe when we were still playing with Barbie dolls we subscribed to the notion that mice are little and cute and friendly, and if you need an ornate gown, they’ve got your back. Now if we see mice, all we see is Hantavirus-carrying vermin that need to be exterminated.
3. Cruel relatives you don’t stand up to
Cinderella didn’t do much for teaching our second-grade selves the value of standing up to bullies. Cinderella needs to grow a backbone already. If ugly wenches were in our faces, barking orders at us all day, we wouldn’t just shrug our shoulders and do their bidding. We’d incorporate a few of our favorite sarcastic comebacks like, “Do you have a piano tied to your a**?” or “Are your legs broken?” A well-placed, “People in hell want ice water, but that doesn’t mean they get it” can be very effective, too. Wouldn’t your adult self slow clap if Cinderella gave her stepsisters the finger when they weren’t looking?
4. A fairy godmother
Here’s where the Cinderella story really unravels. Hey, thanks Disney, for making us think that when life gets overwhelming some mystical maternal figure is going to show up and magically make it all better. That didn’t really pan out in real life. That fairy godmother has had ample opportunities to help us out, and her absence is starting to make us think she doesn’t really exist.
5. It’s all about the shoes
We’re not taking issue with the “it’s all about the shoes” message. We all agree with that. It’s the glass shoes that make us roll our eyes. Glass shoes? Those sound like fun, right up until you step on a rock or someone steps on your foot. For all the perks of having a fairy godmother, we’d be remiss if we failed to point out she doesn’t know much about comfortable and practical footwear.
6. Chance encounter with the prince
In the newest installment of this far-fetched tale, Cinderella has a chance encounter with the prince in the woods while on a horseback ride. Uh-huh. If meeting a prince was that easy, we wouldn’t be torturing ourselves in bars every weekend or suffering the humiliation of online dating. Oh, all we have to do is go for a horseback ride in the woods to meet Mr. Right? Why didn’t we think of that sooner? Probably because the only thing you meet on horseback while riding in the woods is wildlife, Bigfoot and/or the occasional social outcast who may or may not be a serial killer.
7. Lack of revenge against the stepfamily
Probably the most vexing aspect of the Cinderella story line is Cinderella’s lack of revenge against her hateful stepmother and stepsisters. We wanted the closing scene of this movie to show those three battle axes on their hands and knees scrubbing Cinderella’s floor! The ending of this story sadly lacks in poetic justice, a wrong that we would right had we remade Cinderella, again.