Do you ever look at the Kardashians and think, “What?” “Why?” “What does their family have that mine doesn’t?” “Why are they rolling in the Benjamins and my family isn’t?” “Why is their mediocrity so celebrated?” Of course, you have. Because their fame and wealth seems incredibly unreasonable – or is it? If you want your family to be insanely rich and famous, heed the following.
1. Have an older sibling willing to fall on the grenade (while having sex on camera)
If you want Kardashian infamy, you have to have a big family. Within this large brood, an older sibling has to be willing to do something that will launch the rest of the family into the spotlight, no matter how nefarious that deed may be. Kim Kardashian, to her credit, was willing to have a sex tape of her and her then-boyfriend (Ray J — whose “fame” was also tied to a sibling — Brandy) released for public consumption.
2. Have a mom who will do anything for the spotlight
When the sex tape was released, Kris Jenner told The Hollywood Reporter, “My job was trying to take my kids’ 15 minutes and turn it into 30.” Wow. No one can ever accuse Jenner of not being incredibly optimistic, and by optimistic, we mean opportunistic. If you’re the matriarch of the family, you must have blind ambition and be willing to promote your children for profit.
3. Get a reality TV show
“Momager” Jenner turned lemons into lemonade and scored a reality TV show with Ryan Seacrest and E! shortly after news of Kim’s sex tape broke.
4. Have zero boundaries and zero filters
As we all know, it’s not enough to have a camera crew follow your family around night and day to chronicle family minutia. You have to be relatable, you have to make jaws drop and you have to push envelopes. The Kardashian family does this routinely with a (no longer unique) blend of zero filters and zero boundaries.
5. Get several social media accounts and flood them with racy photos of yourself
Paramount to your family’s success in being famous for being famous, you must be willing to not only live in front of a camera crew, you have to be willing to exploit yourself in various stages of undress on several social media outlets. We highly recommend reading Kim’s book, Turning Twitter Into Bank, if you want your family to enjoy the same level of fame as the Kardashians.
6. Pose nude… again, and again and again
In a recent interview with Australia’s The Project, Kim said she did the now heavily parodied “Break the internet” nude photo of her backside “for me.” She also asserted that it was art. This leads us to our next step to being Kardashian famous….
7. Be narcissistic and delusional
Kim makes no mention of her baby daughter North while speaking about her “artistic” nude photos. She says she did it to boost her self-confidence. If you can’t perfect the “art” of being completely self-motivated and adopt the ability to relentlessly justify your behavior, you can’t expect to be Kardashian famous.
8. Overuse the word “like”
Anyone aspiring to Kardashian fame must be willing to abuse the word “like,” like all the time.
9. Make sure your relationship is interracial
The Kardashians seem to think that having an interracial relationship is edgy or cool in some way because Kim, Khloé and Kylie are all in interracial relationships. Khloé recently got herself in hot water with a tweet that referenced her sisters and the KKK in the same meme.
Maybe several decades ago, being in an interracial relationship would have been a big deal, but now such things are noted with little more than a shoulder shrug — nobody cares. Still, if it’s a recurring theme in the Kardashian family and you want to emulate them, it is worth noting.
10. Make sure your boyfriend/husband/baby daddy is a jerk on some level
More important than choosing a boyfriend of a different race is having incredibly poor taste in men. Khloe’s hubby, Lamar Odom, turned into an (allegedly) drug-addicted cheat. Each time Kim’s baby daddy — Kanye West — opens his mouth, he ticks someone off. Fans of sister Kourtney are about to drive to her home and bodily remove boyfriend Scott Disick if she doesn’t give him the keys to the street soon.
11. Body modification is a must
It must be said — if you want to roll like the Kardashians, you have to be willing to inject yourself with Botox, and get whatever plastic surgery is necessary to set trends.
12. Younger siblings must be OK with cashing in on older siblings
Kendall Jenner naively told ABC News that she isn’t using the Kardashian name to land unprecedented modeling contracts for someone so new to the business. Oh, how precious. If Kendall thinks for a moment that she’s scored speed-of-light modeling success on her own, she’s as delusional as the rest of the bunch.
13. Capitalize on living in America
Right or wrong, America is still a place where you can be vilified and famous for doing nothing, and laugh all the way to the bank with bags filled with cash. To enjoy Kardashian fame, you need to capitalize on our country’s celebration of mediocrity and superficiality.
14. Be OK with the haters
Haters gonna hate, and to be Kardashian-ish, you have to realize that for every fan you have, you probably have about three haters. Learn to embrace the notion that haters generate as many or more headlines as fans and that there is no such thing as bad publicity. The Kardashians have made a fortune off that maxim.
15. Work hard
Whether you love the Kardashians, or you wish the earth would open up and swallow their entire family whole, this brood works hard. They have clothing lines, clothing stores, fragrances, endorsements, public appearances, a television show and on and on and on.
The Kardashians have created a brand, which has created an empire, and that empire doesn’t run itself. Each morning, Kris releases her army of moneymakers, and we’d say they work their tails off, but in this family that would be inaccurate because they are known for their large backsides. You get the point. Even if the name Kardashian makes you see red, this family isn’t getting rich and famous for being stupid or lazy. They work exceptionally hard, and you and your family would have to be willing to do the same.
So now we have to ask… is it all worth it?