Why the Fifty Shades trailer doesn't impress me, at all (VIDEO)

Nov 14, 2014 at 12:38 p.m. ET
Image: Focus Features

I admit it. I'm a Fifty Shades of Grey virgin. And I've been waiting for the official trailer to drop so I could finally see what everyone was talking about.

I guess I'm still waiting.

For a book that has sold over 100 million copies — putting it in the company of such daunting works of fiction as Harry Potter and James Bond — you'd think the Fifty Shades of Grey trailer would get me hot and bothered and ready to faint.

But this trailer left me scratching my head instead.

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The premise basically seems to be: a young, naive and mousy looking girl meets a skinny, white, rich dude obsessed with the color gray (we get it, it's his last name, but why is everything in monochrome?), and for some weird reason (she likes to chew on his pencils?) he decides he needs to have her.

50 Shades of Grey
GIF credit: Fifty Shades of Grey/YouTube

Now, I'm not saying anything against mousy girls — I'm just saying there is nothing in this trailer to explain why a sexy-ish young mega-millionaire would become obsessed with this meek, plain-Jane young woman who shows up to interview him. Except that I've lived in LA long enough to recognize the look of a predator when I see it. The quiet, unassuming meekness that Anastasia (Dakota Johnson) exhibits during the interview makes her look like easy prey.

Ummmm, OK. I mean, I guess a movie about BDSM means someone has to be the submissive party. But then, boom: once the attraction is established and we've "earned" a few peeks at Grey's whips and blindfold collection, we're apparently in the middle of an all-too-tired female "I know I can change him!" fantasy.

(eye roll)

Am I missing something? I mean, what is sexy about this cold and controlling man? It feels like a hundred conversations I've had with my girlfriends over drinks: "So-and-so just won't let me in." (drink) "Maybe he'll change." (drink) "He says he loves me, but he's just not in love with me." (double drink).

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The kicker, of course, is that when Christian (Jamie Dornan) finally does let her in, it's a physical manifestation of "opening up." Instead of opening his heart, he leads her into a room he calls "the room of pain", and if that's not a metaphor for a bad relationship, I don't know what is.

Fifty Shades of Grey - Room of Pain
GIF credit: Fifty Shades of Grey/YouTube

Bottom line: I've watched this trailer five times and I still don't see what everyone is so excited about. The music is sexy, but the situation or the characters? Not so much.

Fifty Shades of Grey opens in theaters on Valentine's Day, 2015.

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