The Independent announced today that J.K. Rowling is working on a brand-new tale set in her famous wizarding world. The story is set for release on Halloween, but will we want to read it?
Of all the stories we’d love to hear told, we’re not sure Rowling’s big Halloween idea is the one we wanted most. After all, when we could dive deeper into the history of the Lovegoods or catch up with the Weasleys and Potters, it turns out we’ll just spend time getting to know the nastiest lady around: Dolores Umbridge. Seriously? We like Bellatrix more than we liked Umbridge!
Why would we want to spend 1,700 words on her? Pottermore (where Rowling released the story) was quick to remind fans of Umbridge’s unique position in wizarding history, stating, “Umbridge is not only one of the most malicious Potter characters, she is the only person other than Lord Voldemort to leave a permanent physical scar.” She hurt our “friend” but, OK, maybe getting to know her could be fun.
We even have a few ideas on things we’d like to hear about Umbridge.
1) She’s from the same orphanage as Voldemort
Seriously. Why the heck else would she be so evil-spirited? Just makes sense.
2) She wears pink to soften her image
Umbridge could have been a sweet old lady. Instead, she was a heinous bitch. Still, even the most truly cruel women like to think they have a softer side. Umbridge probably wore pink to suggest that. Well, that, and it helped her distance herself from the Dark Lord while secretly doing his bidding.
3) The Persian cat is her patronus because they have a history together
Even if Umbridge grew up in an orphanage, there could have been a time when she was living happily with her parents. Right? Maybe? What if something terrible happened to her parents and, when she was sent to the orphanage, she couldn’t take her fluffy feline with her?
4) Those cat plates give her a sense of protection
Since her patronus is a Persian cat, it makes sense that Umbridge would feel safest surrounded by cats. Given that she was in Hogwarts and up to some seriously shady happenings, maybe those extra wall kittens made her feel extra safe?
5) Umbridge and Filch totally got it on
Filch was clearly salty over his squib status and lack of magical powers, right? However, since he was still from wizard parents, Umbridge never had a problem with him. And, of course, Filch liked her because she wanted to rule the wizarding students with an iron paw. What if during Umbridge’s tyrannical year at Hogwarts, they found themselves thrust together thanks to a sheer lack of other conspiring comrades? Then, one night, after too much butterbeer, thinks got awkward. Cannot be unthought. Cannot be unseen. (Sorry not sorry.)