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10 Things we wondered while watching that awkward Patrick Wilson sex scene

Director Joe Carnahan just released a behind-the-lens look at Brooklyn Decker and Patrick Wilson filming a sex scene for the film Stretch and, in addition to being every bit as awkward as we imagined, their faux-boning left us with all kinds of questions.

1. What, exactly, is Wilson adjusting around the four-second mark?

I mean, he reaches down to grapple with something, at which point he apologizes. Perhaps an, ahem, big clue is when Decker responds, “No, no, you’re fine. You’re good. I was just lifting… it.” Um, it requires lifting? Hey now!

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2. Do dudes always get boners in sex scenes?

‘Cause, sex. Right? It would only be natural. But if they do, where does it go? Does it, as one Reddit thread suggests, get taped to his leg (ouch)? Is it free to graze, which might explain said adjustment above? The late George C. Scott reportedly told his female costars, “Sorry if I get an erection, sorry if I don’t.” Which, let’s be honest, is pretty brilliant.

3. Did they have the “boundaries” talk beforehand?

When we interviewed Amber Stevens about her make-out scenes with Jonah Hill in 22 Jump Street, the actress told us the most awkward part was the talk beforehand — the choreographing of the kiss, if you will. So it stands to reason that actors in sex scenes have a similarly uncomfortable conversation beforehand, right?

4. How many takes before they get what they need?

This is kind of like the proverbial “How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?” question — sure, it’s probably a tedious process, but it seems like a pretty sweet way to pass the day. Twelve hours in bed with Justin Timberlake? Sign us up for that focus group.

5. What other purpose does the person who spritzes the stars have?

Is spritzing the actors down with Evian water — aka movie sweat — a job left to interns or lower-level production assistants? How does that read on their résumé: responsible for ensuring actor’s skin realistically glistens during sex scenes? Or, wait, is this a job people want? Either way, we imagine there are epic games of paper, rock, scissors going on in production studios the world over.

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6. What in the hell are they wearing underneath that sheet?

Maybe it’s just skin on skin down there. That would certainly fall under the method-acting umbrella. Or maybe they’re wearing merkins. (You’re gonna want to Google that.)

7. Really, how many people are in the room?

Let’s see… we’ve got Decker and Wilson. We’ve got the spritzer. We’ve got Director Joe Carnahan. From the sounds of it, we’ve got at least one other person giving direction. The camera crew has to be accounted for, ’cause this faux sex isn’t shooting itself. So, we’re talking at least eight. Somehow, though, we imagine the set is like a clown car — packed to ridiculousness with people. And awkwardness.

8. Is Wilson heavy?

He’s just lying on Decker. Or is he propping himself up? If so, how long does he have to hover over her like that at one time? He must be a master planker.

9. Do all directors talk like that?

These guys seem so jazzed about what’s going on. At one point, Carnahan yells, “Great f***ing!” Is it to overcompensate for the awkwardness? Or are they seriously just that pumped up? We half expect someone to break out in spirit fingers or for the Dave Chappelle version of Rick James to jump out and say, “I’m Rick James, bitch!”

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10. Will Andy Roddick ever know the truth?

Granted, all women are guilty of faking it every now and then. But Decker doesn’t just fake it like it’s her job — it actually is her job. Don’t worry, Roddick — we’re sure you’re an ace in the sack.

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