All the times Taylor Swift made us say, “Go home, Taylor. You’re drunk.

Don’t get us wrong — we love Taylor Swift. Like, love love. But every now and then, America’s sweetheart says something that makes us scratch our heads and think, “Hmm, that sounds like something we’d say after one too many glasses of wine.”

1. “Speakers put sound out… so they can’t take sound in? Or they can turn this [cell phone] on, right? I’m just saying. We don’t even know.”

Swift had a lot to say during her recent Rolling Stone interview, and if we didn’t know better, we might suspect that lavender lemonade she was sipping was spiked. Tay sounded pretty convinced her cell phone might be at the root of some elaborate conspiracy, and drunk people love a good conspiracy.

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2. “I need lunch like, whoa.”

After a few cocktails, concepts move from concrete to abstract. And everything is like, whoa. Taylor Swift saying like, whoa, is, like, whoa.

3. “I swallowed a strand of my hair and now everything is ruined.”

Girl, yes. Every. single. time.

4. “We wear them during the day and look like pioneer women, fresh off of the Oregon Trail.”

Ha ha, first and foremost, the mental picture of Swift and Lena Dunham (who she’s referring to) makes our day. Second, say what?

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5. “So my brother comes home the other day and he goes, ‘Oh my God — I just saw a guy walking down the street with a cat on his head.'”

C’mon, now. Tell us this doesn’t sound like one of those classic stories drunk people tell. You know, the ones that start off crazy, end in a metaphor and leave you more confused about your life than when it started.

6. “That’s a door that I walk into.”

Well, now, this one is just self-explanatory. See also: stairs are tricky, too.

7. “Can someone please invent an app that tells me where I can get the food that I smell in the air?”

While they’re at it, could someone invent an app that makes everything smell as good as it does when you are drunk? Because that feeling Swift is talking about? We totally get it. Food never smells better than when you’re a little tipsy.

8. “It’s crazy to think about how many countries I’ve lost hair ties in.”

You know who Swift reminds us of when she says things like this? Charlotte from Sex and the City. And Charlotte was what we like to call a drunk sober person — that person who actually doesn’t drink but has a knack for saying drunk-ish things like, “Do you think my hair is too shiny today?”

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9. “I push this button that’s like, ‘Stop complaining, your life’s great, stop, do not complain about this life, stop, this life is amaaaazing.’ Sanity button.”

Swift is just high on life but, in general, nothing says public intoxication like rambling, overly optimistic self-affirmations. Especially ones involving sanity buttons.

10. “I don’t drink to get drunk. That’s just not cute.”

Quoth every drunk girl ev-er.


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