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Joan Rivers: Top 20 most memorable quotes

Joan Rivers was never a comedian who was at a loss for words. She may be gone, but her legendary quotes live on forever. SheKnows takes a look at the trailblazer’s top 20 quotes to remember.

  1. “You know you’ve reached middle age when you’re cautioned to slow down by your doctor, instead of by the police.”
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  3. “At my funeral, I want Meryl Streep crying in five different accents.”
  4. “When a man has a birthday, he takes a day off. When a woman has a birthday, she takes at least three years off.”
  5. “I don’t mince word, I don’t hold back. What are you gonna do to me? Fire me? It’s been done. Take away my show? Done! Not invite me to the Vanity Fair party? I’ve never been invited!
  6. “A study says owning a dog makes you 10 years younger. My first thought was to rescue two more, but I don’t want to go through menopause again.”
  7. “The book I wish I’d never written is Joan Rivers’ Pop-Up Guide to Gynecology.

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  8. “We all mourn in our own way. I mourn with a great steak.”
  9. “The fashion magazines are suggesting that women wear clothes that are ‘age appropriate.’ For me that would be a shroud.”
  10. “Looking 50 is great — if you’re 60.”
  11. “You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.”
  12. “At my age an affair of the heart is a bypass!”
  13. “I’m no cook. When I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.”
  14. “I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.”

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  15. “I don’t exercise. If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.”
  16. “The fun of working on the road means stealing from hotels. I’ve been doing it for so long, I have a set of towels from the Ark.”
  17. “I have no sex appeal; if my husband didn’t toss and turn, we’d never have had the kid.”

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