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5 Questions Inspired by Celebrity Nude Photo Hack

In the wake of the Labor Day weekend nude celebrity photo hack (involving hundreds of high-profile celebs like Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton), we’re left with a few questions.

What is the f***ing Cloud?

Probably the best line from Cameron Diaz and Jason Segel‘s Sex Tape trailer is, “Nobody understands the Cloud. It’s a f***ing mystery.” In light of the recent scandal involving the theft and illegal distribution of hundreds of celebrities’ nude photo collections, we now have a slightly better understanding of the Cloud. It’s storage software that allows users to store files remotely. Those files can then be shared and synced to several Apple products owned by the same user. Now, evidently, they can be shared by malicious hackers as well. Thanks to this odious breach of privacy, we have stopped asking, “What is the f***ing Cloud?” and started asking, “Why the hell would anyone use a remote storage database?” (Isn’t that what external hard drives are for?)

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Why are we so intrigued by celebrity nudity?

Our fascination with celebrity nudity is, well, fascinating. Celebrities have the same anatomy as the rest of us, so what’s the big deal? Why do we care? Are we all just closet voyeurs? Is it just too irresistible to take a peek at celebrities in a non-airbrushed, un-Photoshopped format? Are they so freakishly attractive that we’re dying to see what they all look like in their birthday suits?

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Why would celebrities keep images like this around?

Maybe the most important of our FAQs is why, why, why would celebrities keep these images? Anywhere? They have a right to their privacy, of course, but we live in a day where “leaked” celebrity sex tapes — stolen from hard drives in one fashion or another — is no longer a rare occurrence.

Is celebrity vanity to blame? Do celebrities think they look so incredible naked that they can’t help but pull up photos of their nude selves on occasion so they can admire them? One of the targeted celebrities, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, claims the hacked photos of her and her husband were deleted “long ago.” We’re skeptical since the file has to exist to be backed up — unless the Winsteads never empty their recycling bin, which seems a bit unlikely.

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Why aren’t these hackers using their powers for good?

As is the case anytime hackers cause people unnecessary pain and suffering with their malicious activities, we are asking, “Why aren’t these people doing something worthwhile with their abilities?” If hackers are smart enough to hack into iCloud accounts, government mainframes and banking databases, why aren’t they using those powers for good? Hackers, we have a message for you. Stop behaving like juvenile delinquents and find a cure for terminal illnesses or go filter water in a Third World country. Stop boring us with a flagrant misuse of your intelligence.

What will be the hackers’ punishment?

The FBI is investigating this massive breach of privacy, and one of the hackers claims this was the work of many hackers over several months. Christopher Chaney, the hacker who stole and published nude photos of Scarlett Johansson, was sentenced to 10 years in the big house.

What do you think about this scandal? Do you sympathize with the celebrities involved, or do you have a hard time feeling sorry for them? What should the hackers’ punishment be?

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