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Bachelor in Paradise review: This isn’t Dancing with the Stars

We would never go so far as to call Bachelor in Paradise classy, but the show had a level of respect it completely lost tonight as newcomers Jesse, Lucy and Christy spent all their time getting drunk and hooking up. Too bad those cameras ensure that what happens in paradise, doesn’t stay in paradise. Quite the opposite, in fact. We’re sure there will be a YouTube video for years to come.

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Let’s start from the beginning. We pick up where Part 1 left off last night. There’s all sorts of drama in the house since AshLee was talking smack about Claire and Graham found out about it. Being the tasteful guy he is, he wasn’t happy with his gossip-starting gal.

Turns out, Graham isn’t questioning AshLee so much as getting some sort of heatstroke from all the stress at the rose ceremony. The medics look him over, though, and he’s fine. But that racing heart might be a sign of bad things to come.

The girls are all turning against AshLee after her decision to talk trash about Claire. Graham ultimately accepts AshLee’s rose, and the girls all feel sick because she’s staying. No, literally. Lacy, has to run away to get sick.

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The paramedics end up taking Lacy to the hospital. It’s OK, though, because Marcus is obviously the valiant hero by her side. Talk about some intimate one-on-one time in the ambulance.

Let’s just conclude this rose ceremony was a disaster. All around.

Jackie gives the rose to Jesse, even though he’s clearly playing her so he can stick around. No one is surprised Kalon leaves the show. He loves himself more than he could ever love a life partner. Good luck with that. But Marquel really had feelings for Jackie, and we feel bad for the guy that those feelings were so easily dismissed. They seemed to have a connection during the last episode, but Jackie let herself get suckered by Jesse’s blue eyes and charm.

Claire and Zack’s unbreakable relationship, breaks

Remember how on the first part of the episode yesterday, Cody asked Claire on a date, which put Zack on the defensive? He ultimately decided that he didn’t want to date anyone else but Claire during his time in paradise, and the two cemented their relationship. Well, the cement apparently hadn’t dried because Christy shows up and suddenly Zack is ready to play. He doesn’t want the level of intensity he and Claire have reached too quickly.

Funny how when the guys don’t have those roses, the party starts.

This isn’t Dancing with the Stars

Claire is really upset with Zack and runs out into the forest. She’s having a panic attack and feels really crushed that Zack is questioning their relationship. Claire decides to go home because she wants to follow her gut. We think it’s a solid choice even if it took a panic attack to get there. Sometimes you have to let those emotions out to find clarity. Zack gives some speech about how he wishes they would have worked out, but he doesn’t fight for her to stay.

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Poor Claire goes out with puffy eyes and a runny nose and isn’t happy about it. She’s tired of being rejected by men and wants to find someone that’s serious.

“This is why I just wanted to do Dancing with the Stars,” are Claire’s last words on paradise, and we die laughing. Good thing for Claire, Dancing with the Stars loves reality stars. There’s still hope!

Paradise goes nude

Paradise newcomers Christy, Jesse and Lucy are just drunk messes the entire episode that make us feel like paradise has become Vegas, and what happens there, stays there… only when it comes to relationships. Everything else is caught on camera for your viewing horror, including a little menage a trois.

In the wake of Claire’s absence, Zack bonds with Jackie so it’s the threesome that’s left heartbroken at the rose ceremony. Jesse decides to give Christy the rose and free spirit Lucy is sent packing.

Do you agree with Jesse, Christy and Lucy’s use of time in paradise?

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