Nothing could have made us happier this year than the return of Eminem. No, Shady isn’t exactly known for happiness. As a matter of fact, when he first burst onto the scene, many people boycotted his music and radio stations that played him. For us, though, listening to Slim was a therapeutic stroll through all the violent and illegal stuff we’d never have the guts to commit, but maybe always wanted to. Eminem is back and just as big as ever, but we still love all his old stuff… especially the truly appalling things we’ve muttered along to over the years.
’97 Bonnie and Clyde
And don’t worry about that little boo-boo on her throat
It’s just a little scratch — it don’t hurt, her was eatin’
dinner while you were sweepin’ and spilled ketchup on her shirt
Is it possible our commitment phobia comes from the fact that Shady convinced us that our husbands are probably going to slit our throats?
My Name Is…
Try ‘cid and get f***ed up worse that my life is? (Huh?)
My brain’s dead weight, I’m trying to get my head straight
We’re not saying Slim is definitely the reason we dropped gel tabs in ninth grade… just that he probably wasn’t a very good “anti-drug,” either.
F*** that! Do that s***! Shoot that bitch!
Can you afford to blow this s***? Are you that rich?
Why you give a f*** if she dies? Are you that bitch?
Back to the murdering. What would we have done without Em to be the devil on our shoulders all these years?
Follow me and do exactly what the song says:
Smoke weed, take pills, drop outta school, kill people and drink
We feel like he was probably joking. He’s joking, right? Oh, whatever. It’s Eminem! We’ll do whatever he says.
Look — I’ll burn your f***in’ house down, circle around
and hit the hydrant, so you can’t put your burning furniture out
Arson never looked so good until Slim suggested it…
When I go out, I’ma go out shootin’
I don’t mean when I die, I mean when I go out to the club, stupid
That’s still how we go out.
I used to, get punked and bullied on my block
’til I cut a kitten’s head off and stuck it in this kid’s mailbox
We’re just gonna leave this right here….
Pistol whippin’ motherf***in’ bouncers, six-two,
who needs bullets, soon as I pull it, you sweat bullets,
an excellent method to get rid of the next bully,
it’s actually better ’cause instead you murderin’,
you can hurt em’ and come back again and kick dirt at ’em
See, ma? Sometimes instead of killing people, he just beats ’em up.
Bagpipes From Baghdad
I cut you like Dahmer, pull a butcher knife on ya
The size of a sword, boy, I’m like the f***in’ Red Sonja
Get it stuck in your cornea, nice knowin’ ya, Norman
Yes, it’s murdery. But, this entire song is littered with references to classic killers and that’s pretty freakin’ cool.
Love the Way You Lie
If she ever tries to f***ing leave again
I’ma tie her to the bed and set this house on fire
OK, OK. So he probably wouldn’t make the best boyfriend.
Listen, for all the bulls*** haters have dumped on Em over the years, we think it’s important to tell the man we love him and his amazing attitude. We don’t for a second believe Eminem sent kids running through their schools with guns and, hell yeah, we could curse long before he came along. All Shady did was show us how to be proud of our f***ed-up backgrounds and give us some music to bounce and rap along to in order to get out all the rage we felt as kids. He didn’t pervert the nation, but if you take a look at where music was then and where it is now, we definitely think he helped usher in a sense of accepting what comes with #TheStruggle and taught us to be a little more open with our issues. Now, everyone is on board with dumping anger out into the open, but we think Eminem said it best in “The Real Slim Shady:”
And there’s a million of us just like me
Who cuss like me; who just don’t give a f*** like me
Who dress like me; walk, talk and act like me
It just might be the next best thing but not quite me!
You’re irreplaceable, Em. And we’re so glad you’re back.