Holy mother of mercy! There’s a lot to love about WGN’s hit show, Salem, but if you aren’t one of the millions tuning in each week, you may not understand the hype. We could give you legitimate reasons, but we prefer to just objectify the men.
Photo credit: WGN America
Salem has a lot going for it. From shudder-worthy creepy moments to pee-your-pants scares, anyone who loves shows like American Horror Story no doubt probably also loves Salem. But what if creepy crawlies and shrieking possessed girls aren’t really your scene? As long as you don’t scare too easy, there’s still plenty to enjoy about the new show. For instance, these incredibly scrumptious men.
Raise your hand if the thing about Salem that caught your eye was Shane West. We get it. Truly. In Salem, his hotness is amplified to the “dirty” variety due in part to all that swashbuckling leather and those crazy hair extensions. We’re not saying it’s his best look, but we wouldn’t kick him out of our beds.
Bonus: His character, John Alden, is a complete rebel with quite the sass mouth. You know we love a bad boy.
How to put this politely? Oh, screw it; Xander Berkeley is a DILF. Sure, he looks strikingly similar to Lucius Malfoy, from Harry Potter. Yes, as luck would have it, he is a married man. That doesn’t mean we can’t enjoy him on the show. While Mary Sibley (Janet Montgomery) is capable of putting Magistrate Hale in the unflattering position similar to that of a dog with a tail between his legs, he’s otherwise quite a power player.
Bonus: Berkeley has an incredibly expressive face. His “unimpressed” look happens to completely impress us.
We could dedicate whole rap songs to the things we’d like to do with Seth Gabel. (Sorry, Bryce Dallas Howard!) Sadly, his role as a puritan preacher doesn’t lend itself well to showing off his amazing style. However, we do see a bit of his humor come out in the dialogue on Salem. Of all the roles we’ve admired him in, we thought we loved him most as the Count on Arrow. But Cotton Mather takes the cake.
Bonus: His deliciously-forbidden romps with the prostitute, Gloriana, are usually packed with hot, but laughable, moments.
Did we save the best for last? It’s possible. As Isaac the Fornicator, Goldberg’s character spends a lot of time being treated like complete scum. Of course, our natural reaction is to want to save the juicy bloke. We love his analogies and we’re still holding onto hope that he makes it through the season (and finds a girl).
Bonus: Anyone else think he looks a lot like the equally-attractive Arthur Darvill from Doctor Who?
Which of these handsome heathens (or are they witches?) will make it to Salem Season 2? You’ll have to fight through the fright to find out.