The Vampire Diaries review: Please tell us this is a joke
We're not exaggerating when we say Thursday night's episode of The Vampire Diaries delivered the most shocking death. Ever. It was a bad week for everyone.
Photo credit: Guy D'Alema/The CW
Let me start by saying The Vampire Diaries is one of my favorite shows on television. I love how witty and satirical it can be, but Thursday night's episode was ridiculous. Not necessarily bad ridiculous, but, well, sort of, considering the end. The show left me feeling completely unsure of what I just watched. Is this The Twilight Zone? Because it surely can't be The Vampire Diaries, especially if the death at the end of this episode holds.
- ICYMI last week...
- Damon kisses Elena while Stefan caresses Caroline's cheek during their cabin getaway.
- The Travelers begin the spell to make Julian the permanent soul in Tyler's body.
- Damon promises to do everything he can to bring Enzo back from the dead.
- The Travelers and Markos kidnap Elena and Stefan.
Ridiculousness 1: The rustic Travelers
The Travelers drain Elena (Nina Dobrev) and Stefan's (Paul Wesley) blood into dirty old silver tin pails. Who has tin pails anymore? Don't The Travelers use Tupperware? I get it, I get it. They're nomadic.
Then, to top it off, Stefan suggests Elena let him know if she sees a buffalo when she complains about being hungry with only squirrels to eat. (Yes, they're eating squirrels.) Not a cow or a horse, Stefan goes straight for buffalo. Where are we right now? It sure doesn't sound like Mystic Falls.
Ridiculousness 2: What's even going on?
Does anyone really understand what The Travelers are doing at this point? Sure, they're looking for their own little piece of paradise, and they really don't like the witches. We get it. So they're going to take over Mystic Falls after killing off everything supernatural except themselves? Aside from that boring picture of an ending, why can't The Travelers just be happy in their own bodies for a while? It's gotten way too convoluted.
Ridiculousness 3: Damon outrunning The Travelers' spell
As Markos' master plan begins to take effect, he encourages Damon (Ian Somerhalder) to run so he'll have a little time to say goodbye. Since all his friends are also supernaturals, wouldn't a simple "see ya soon" suffice? Either way, Damon takes Markos up on the offer and flees but not before he grabs his coat and shuts the door behind him, of course. All with one long, pitiful glance back at Markos as he leaves his house behind.
Don't worry, Damon and Elena have time to make a pit stop for kisses because, as we've learned, anything goes during a bad day, no matter how broken up you may be.
Ridiculousness 4: Standout quotes of the night
Seriously, who comes up with this stuff? It's fantastic how the show kind of makes fun of itself while also being so intelligently funny. Here are the best lines of Thursday night's episode in all their nonsensical glory.
- "It's going to be a busy day for me, Stefan. Time for me to strap on the hero hair," Damon declares. Has Damon been wearing a toupee that no one knows about?
- "Whoa, whoa, whoa. I've been searching 24-7, OK? Maybe if you'd been a little more perceptive, you wouldn't have gotten yourselves dopplenapped." Damon tells Stefan. Dopplenapped? Uh-huh. He said it.
- "OK, how was I supposed to know that Casper the English Ghost would be a complication?" Luke asks, defending the fact that he couldn't keep the dopplegängers hidden.
- "I don't mean to be rude, but would you mind if I drained your carotid of a few ounces?" Elena asks Maria. She isn't game.
- "There's no shame in giving up. I mean, aren't we all a little sick of Tyler?" Damon asks Caroline. I just threw this one in because it was awesome. Yes, Damon, yes, we are.
Ridiculousness 5: Uh, most important, Stefan dies
Julian, as Tyler, rips out Stefan's heart. And this is the part of the episode where we know none of this can possibly mean anything permanent for the future of the show because Stefan can't die. He just can't. He's not allowed. Especially since he and Caroline still have so much unfinished business. There is no The Vampire Diaries without Stefan. Period.
We're convinced his death will simply serve as Bonnie's much needed motivation to save everyone's life. She and Enzo had the start of a plan, after all. At least we have the season finale next week to put everything back in its proper place. Namely, Stefan's heart back in his chest. Please and thanks.