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The No. 1 reason Rihanna’s nipples are ruining our lives

We hope you are sitting down because Rihanna has exposed her nipples again. We know, shocking. Take a couple of minutes to pull yourself together. What Rihanna doesn’t realize is that her nipples are ruining women’s lives everywhere, and here’s why.

First, close the door at work, or put the kids in front of Dora the Explorer before you take a look at Rihanna’s latest nip parade.


Charming, right? Take a moment to study this image and then see why Rihanna’s nipples are ruining our lives.

Nipple power

This may or may not be anti-feminist to say out loud, but the truth of the matter is our nipples have a lot of power. In fact, female pop stars like Rihanna realize that, which is why they are shoved in our face on a way-too-regular basis. Rihanna knows this Lui magazine cover will, thanks to her nipples, have her in the center spotlight for a few days. (Miley Cyrus, please don’t consider this a challenge. We’re still trying to recover from your bare-chested horse ride.)

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Rihanna, with her willingness to let the girls hang out in public, is weakening our nipple power. Look at it this way. Even though men have their own nipples, it’s hard to meet one who doesn’t want to become better acquainted with our nipples. This fact of human nature contributes to the reason that men take us to dinner, laugh at our jokes, hold our hand on the way to the car and open the car door for us. Yes, some men are genuinely interested in getting to know us better, but it’s probably fair to say they are equally as interested in getting to know our nipples better.


That’s where Rihanna’s public nudity is becoming a problem. Look at her nips. Nothing terribly special about them, is there? As women, we already know that. We already know there is nothing overly impressive about our nipples and the male fascination with them alludes us. At this point, we have seen RiRi’s nips so much, they’re straight up boring. They have become as routine as our morning cup of coffee.

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So if guys become desensitized to celebrity nipples (which in theory should be way cooler than our ordinary ones, right?), what does that do to our nipple power? It erodes it entirely! Why would a guy think our nipples would be more interesting than Rihanna’s, whose areolas can easily Googled? Men will soon figure out what we’ve known all along — nipples just aren’t that fascinating.

Rihanna is digging herself into a hole. Soon, her nipples won’t be enough to grab headlines. Then what? Ugh. We shudder to speculate the lengths she and other pop tarts might go to. What’s next? Is she going to rob us of our vag power, too? Eventually, she’s going to run out of body parts, and then she’ll have to just rely on her music to get attention.

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