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Funniest quotes from the pilot episode of USA Network’s Playing House

Check out our favorite quotes from the pilot episode of Playing House and tune into USA Network on April 29 to watch the Playing House premiere.

Playing House |

Photo credit: Playing House

We previewed the first episode of Playing House — and we are hooked. Successful businesswoman Emma (Jessica St. Clair) takes a few days off to return to her hometown and visit Maggie (Lennon Parham), her pregnant best friend. At the baby shower, Maggie discovers that her husband, Bruce (Brad Morris), is in love with MunichMuncher69, a German woman he met online — read into her online profile name what you will. Unable to leave her best friend in her time of need, Emma quits her prestigious job in China and plans to move in with Maggie to help her raise the baby.

Maggie on putting a baby crib together at 3 a.m.:
“I just want this baby girl to know that her mama’s not afraid to pick up a drill and get down.”

Maggie and Emma on their imminent reunion:
Maggie: “I’m gonna hug you so hard, it’s gonna hurt.”
Emma: “I’m gonna squeeze you so hard, that baby’s gonna come out of you.”

Emma on the perks of Maggie’s pregnancy:
“I will tell you what’s huge, and that’s these mammerjammers. They go all night. They’re like the boobs of our dreams. May I feel them?”

Emma on an awkward encounter with her ex:
“I just tipped an invisible hat to the man I lost my virginity to, so you should drive me on home.”

Maggie on Bruce’s fetish:
Maggie: “Well, apparently there is a whole online group of women who specialize in putting things up their butts.”
Emma: “And are they all German?”
Maggie: “Well, they aren’t all German, but I think he prefers Germans. You know, because of their husky nature.”

Bruce and Emma on adjusting to Chinese cuisine:
Bruce: “Be honest with me. Do those sauces take your butt by storm?”
Emma: “Can I just say they actually did take my butt by storm? I didn’t have the words. I didn’t have that phrase, but that’s what was happening.”

Bruce: “I’m going to tell you what it is, they haven’t defined whether or not these are sweet sauces or sour sauces.”
Emma: “Right and you’re mixing them, and it becomes like a Mr. Wizard situation.”

Emma to Maggie’s brother Zach (played by Zach Woods) as he is decorating for the baby shower:
Emma: “If you hadn’t sexually harassed me all through high school, I would assume you were a stone-cold gay man.”
Zach: “I’m gonna take that as a compliment.”

Maggie catches Bruce video-chatting with MunichMuncher69:
Maggie: “You have a boner! Right now! A big boner!”
Bruce: “If at best, it’s a semi! I don’t have a boner right now!”

Zach on bulking up
Zach: “I gained 15lbs since last we met.”
Emma: “Well it doesn’t show.”
Zach: “That’s because it’s all in my thighs.”
Emma: “That’s where a women gains weight, just FYI.”
Zach: “Just FYI, that’s where I gain weight too”

This post was sponsored by USA Network.

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