We’ve seen it a thousand times, kids. A talent becomes famous, surrounds him or herself with yes-men and then starts doing whatever they want, knowing no one will have the stones to tell them “no.” Lately, Lady Gaga thinks she can do whatever she wants as long as she slaps the word “Artpop” on it.
Let us save you 7 minutes and 43 seconds.
“G.U.Y.” opens up with businessmen and businesswomen scrambling for money that is falling from the sky.
Next, we see Lady Gaga as a wounded bird crawling
out of a grave.
Still, with the wounded bird.
(There are a couple of agonizing minutes with a “wounded bird.”)
Here, Gaga spreads her wings and tries to act.
(Keep the drama to the hair and costumes, please. It’s painful.)
Wounded bird collapses in front of a Greek palace.
(Garbage bag dudes pick her up.)
Wounded bird is covered in a ceremonial wreath…
… and buried in the backyard pool.
Meanwhile, The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills do this.
The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills appear in Gaga’s new video >>
If G.U.Y. is making you think W.H.Y. right about now, remember this is…
And she’s back (as Venus, we think?)
Venus calls on the god of sexual desire.
Who is Andy Cohen?
Cue the synchronized swimmers…
…with a side of male objectification…
(Now we’re listening.)
…and a teddy bear cutout.
(Shouldn’t some bad dreams just be left in the therapist’s office?)
Gaga wants to be the G.U.Y. (girl underneath you), then hops on top of this guy.
(We think this is supposed to be sexy, but it’s just, well, you decide.)
This is as good a place as any for a random cameo of Jesus…
(who looks completely underwhelmed)
…and Lego lady.
By the time Gaga pulls a Miley Cyrus and writhes and touches herself on a bed, we’re so bored and confused, we don’t even care.
Gaga shuts ‘er down looking like a blond Kim Kardashian.