Skip to main content Skip to header navigation

15 Hilarious things women think when they see celebrity bikini photos

Hey, we don’t begrudge celebs their hot bods. After all, most of them work pretty hard for those bodies. But that’s not to say we don’t have a few choice thoughts when we see pics of gorgeous gals like Katy Perry flaunting their figures in bikinis.

Kim KardashianPhoto credit:


Kristin Wiig GIF

Seriously, whatever. Who needs a pert rack and taut tummy, anyway? I’ve got a push-up bra and Spanx. Besides, I once won an award for being able to eat the most marshmallows in one minute. Bet Kim Kardashian can’t say that for herself. Ha! Joke’s on you Kimmie.

Elisabetta CanalisPhoto credit:


Gossip Girl GIF

Gah, I’d kill for Elisabetta Canalis’ abs. My diet starts today! No more junk for me, no sir. Sh**… I still have Girl Scout cookies in the pantry. I’ll start that diet right after I polish off this sleeve of Samoas.

Gretchen RossiPhoto credit: Judy Eddy/

New Girl GIF

Sure, Gretchen Rossi has a great bod. But we’re going to go ahead and blame that on the fact that she doesn’t have any kids because, quite frankly, it makes those of us who are parents feel better about our stretchmarks and saddlebags — and the fact that cardio for us these days consist of chasing our kids around the playground trying to get them to drop the unidentified object they found under the swing set, which we’re praying isn’t cat poop or a crack pipe.

Emmanuelle ChriquiPhoto credit: KEYPIXX/

Real Housewives GIF

I can only imagine how disciplined Emmanuelle Chriqui must be to have such a super-toned figure. She probably has a personal trainer who makes her do, like, a million lunges a day. Damn. That sounds exhausting… I’m just going to curl up with my small-child-sized bean and cheese burrito and take a little siesta. I dedicate this nap to all the Chriquis of the world.

Maria MenounosPhoto credit:

Cameron Diaz GIF

Could Maria Menounos look any better? Sh**. She probably hasn’t eaten bread in five years. Damn, now I’m regretting that burrito. Why do carbs have to taste so good when they’re so damn bad? Double sh**. I really love pancakes.

Brittny GastineauPhoto credit: KEYPIXX/

Eddie Murphy GIF

B****, please. Good luck with the tan lines you get from that crazy macrame-like bikini top, Brittny Gastineau. Don’t get us wrong — you look fierce. But after a day in the sun in that getup, your jugs are going to look as splotchy as a Jackson Pollock painting.

Miranda KerrPhoto credit:

Reality TV GIF

Seriously, Miranda Kerr? You have a kid and you still look like this? What the hell am I doing wrong? You know what? Don’t answer that. I give up. I’m pretty sure I’d have to spend an eternity doing squats to get an a** like Kerr’s, so I’m dunzo. Now, please excuse me while I go drown my sorrows in long- distance phone calls, gossip and re-reruns of What Not to Wear.

BeyoncePhoto credit:

Mean Girls GIF

Daaaaamn, Bey. Why ya gotta make the rest of us look bad? We like you and all, but we’re starting to believe those rumors about the Illuminati. And for the record, we’ve never been quite sure what jelly you were talking about, but if this is what it looks like, you’re right… we’re not ready for it.

Katy PerryPhoto credit:

Cougar Town GIF

Someone give me a glass of wine — scratch that. A bottle. ‘Cause it’s going to take some serious vino for me to get over the fact that Katy Perry circa now looks better in a bikini than I probably did circa my glory days. Can we just all agree that no woman with such a perfectly petite figure should be able to look so good with big (also perfect) boobs? I call party foul.

Phoebe PricePhoto credit: Joel Ginsburg/

Reese Witherspoon GIF

Phoebe Price is 41 years old, and her body in a bikini seriously looks like it could be a 20-year-old’s. Could someone tell my 30-year-old a** that? ‘Cause I’m pretty sure it ages in dog years. Angel of death, take me now and spare me the sight of it what it looks like when I’m 40.

Jessica AlbaPhoto credit:

Pocahontas GIF

There’s just no way. C’mon, Jessica Alba — give up the goods. What’s your secret? How do you have two kids and that body? There is sorcery behind this, I tell you. Sorcery!

Kelly BrookPhoto credit: KEYPIXX/

Funny GIF

Listen, Kelly Brook. We really want to like you. We really do. But when you hit the beach with curves like that in a bikini like that, it makes it difficult for us. How can we enjoy the rest of our lazy day in sweat pants and a baggy tee while your genetic superiority is staring at us from the pages of Us Weekly?

Syvlie van der VaartPhoto credit:

Funny GIF

Truth. So please, in the name of all things holy, please don’t let us hear about it if you have, in fact, eaten a Twix bar in your life (with or without the wrapper). It is much easier to think of you right now as a stick figure with no soul who has never eaten a carb in her life.

Nicole SherzingerPhoto credit:

Sex and the City GIF

Also, not a fan of my love handles. Wait, do these pants make my a** look fat? Damn, I think my a** makes my a** look fat. Couldn’t you wear a swim dress to the beach or something, Nicole Scherzinger?

Vanessa HudgensPhoto credit:

New Girl GIF

Damn, I’m old. I fondly remember the carefree days of my teens and early 20s, before my breasts began migrating southward. Enjoy it while you can, Vanessa Hudgens. Enjoy it while you can. Gravity won’t be your BFF forever. It’s only fair.

Leave a Comment

Comments are closed.