Ready to take a shot in the ego? Watch Beyoncé’s video for “Partition.” Don’t worry, though! We’ve decided it’s just an instruction manual for seducing the menfolk and we’ve helped translate it for you.
You’d think that if you looked like Beyoncé you could show up in sweats and your hubby would still try to get in ’em. It turns out, though, that even Queen Bey has to work to make her man notice her sometimes. At least, that’s the story she’s telling in her video for “Partition.” We have our doubts, though.
That Versailles-like mansion where the scenes unfold makes the whole video seem more like a fantasy than a reality, though. Is this Jay‘s fantasy… or Bey’s? All we know for sure is that we’re certain it’s only a matter of time before we walk in on our boyfriend and find this crazy mess playing on his laptop. So, do we join in… or beat him over the head with that Dell? We’re pretty sure her highness is suggesting we should take a lesson from her “Partition” book.
According to the video, there’s a Bey Code for seducing your man. To do it right, you’ll need to remember a few things:
Hire a good-looking French maid to pick up your napkin
Word to the wise: Like with Beyoncé’s staff, make sure your maid lacks all of your honey’s favorite parts. Everyone loves Beyoncé’s curves and that maid had none. She’s pretty, but we’re still looking at Bey.
Remember: Robes are for teasing, not covering up
Under Beyoncé’s robe is some serious lingerie. If you’re wearing a robe for any purpose other than nip slips or flashing black lace, you’re doing it wrong
Get a limo. And a driver.
Limos may make you feel like a princess, but they make your man feel like a baller. Bonus: If he’s not driving, his hands are free.
Make an effort
“Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up,” Beyoncé sings. What she’s suggesting, ladies, is that if we want to really hook our claws into our man, we’re going to have to do a little more than apply the Burt’s Bees and wave around the mascara wand.
Eyes Wide Shut was sexy for a reason.
No idea if Jay or your dude will care about bling, but it’ll make you feel good, and you’re going to need that confidence.
Remember that “dance” is a relative term
Notice that when Bey is on the piano (bey-ano?), she’s not so much dancing as she’s doing a lot of breast and butt thrusts. And hair flips, obviously. Get on it.
Never stand next to a prettier girl
Even when the Queen is onstage with the other strippers dancers, she’s still the hottest one. Proof that the ugly friend theory really works?
Hire hand models
Another way Beyoncé keeps the focus on her is by having extra hands to present her face. We’ve heard the HSN models work for cheap.
Cotton is for amateurs
Absolutely none of Beyoncé’s outfits in this video appear to be made from organic material. If you’re not rockin’ a sexy bra on a regular basis, how do you ever expect your guy to want to unhook it?
We do have one critique: Just say no to the jeweled nightcap.
What even, Bey? Who thinks Jay Z cringed the first time she popped out of the floor with that craziness on her head? We do! We still love “Partition” and Beyoncé, but we’re feeling a little awkward right now. If our boyfriends ask us to dress/dance like that, we’re picketing the Carter family’s mansion!
What do you think of “Partition?” Is Beyoncé oversexualizing herself to prove she’s still got it after becoming a mother? Or is she just having fun for the love of her hubby? Tell us!