The editors at SI have left us no choice but to be snarky and pick apart the 2014 Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue. Since they insist on featuring barely-of-age examples of female perfection, the only criticism we can muster concerns the swimwear. It will make us feel better about ourselves, if only for a few brief minutes. Join us, won’t you?
What we really want to do is send Sports Illustrated a colorful rant about what they are doing to the female population every time they print a swimsuit edition. While all of us not featured in the SI swimsuit edition are busting our humps to look good fully clothed, SI has to come at us with this. Like we need this kind of pressure.
Couldn’t these people at least wait until the end of summer, when we’ve been outside for a few months and feel halfway in shape and tan, instead of running the issue right after one of the biggest empty calorie holidays there is? February? Really? There has been a major eating holiday every month since October and you have to round out this time of year with these reminders of how we don’t look in our swimsuits? There’s a special place in hell for people like that.
OK, SI. Game on. We start our snark-fest with this “swimsuit.” It’s paint. Your flawless models must not know much about science because (we don’t want to get all wordy on you) paint lacks the molecular structure to hold up in water. A swimsuit made of paint is just stupid. This woman obviously doesn’t have any children because getting to the beach with a pack of kids takes for-ev-er. Everyone has to pee, get dry clothes, towels, snacks, flotation devices (Mom has to blow up said flotation devices), sunscreen and the dog. Who has time to paint on a swimsuit? Come on, SI. Do your homework next time.
While the men reading this are muttering, “Sounds like sour grapes to me,” (you’re right) all the women (assuming they’re not a model for SI) are feeling me right now. So my rant continues with this little number. The “coverage” of this suit is confusing. It’s see-through, so we’re not sure it even offers much sun protection, but let’s assume for the sake of this argument that it does. So this model’s arms will be fine (since the “suit” is long-sleeved) but one of the most vulnerable parts of this girl’s body — when it comes to sun exposure — her a**, is completely exposed! We bet she couldn’t sit for a week after this photo shoot!
Yeah, ’cause this makes sense
If you are a gal who enjoys the outdoors, hit me up top if this image makes you completely roll your eyes. See all those flowers in that scenic mountain meadow, honey? They attract bees. Lots of bees. Bees and exposed skin (especially breasts and nipples) don’t mix. And everyone knows you don’t hit a mountain trail barefoot and without proper layering. Duh.
This “swimsuit” really chaps our a**. It’s also going to chap this model’s a** if she hits the open sea wearing it. One minor thing this suit is missing is a top! WTF, SI editor people? Do you think for a moment that women are going to pay a large sum of money for a suit that doesn’t have a top? Where are we supposed to go swimming in this getup? We live in a small town! People will talk — and post our image on social media behind our backs. This is starting to reek of a conspiracy against women.
Pass the harness
Oh, yeah. OK, whatever. We’ve seen this design before. We put it over our horse’s chest and attached a saddle to it. The only thing missing from this “swimsuit” is the reins that go with it. And can we talk about the tan lines this ridiculous excuse for a swimsuit would leave? When this thing comes off, we’re going to look like really bad wallpaper. That’s assuming there’s enough distinction between our fat and the lines of this suit to even make a stripe! We’ve used butterfly bandages before, too — to cover our kids’ wounds — not to wear to the beach.
Water in space?
Here is 21-year-old (yes, that makes her barely old enough to drink legally) Kate Upton in a zero gravity spaceship. Like we’re supposed to believe that. Have scientists discovered large bodies of water in space that we don’t know about? And if so, wouldn’t we be, um, inhabiting the planets that have large bodies of water? (OK, so astronauts did technically find a huge reservoir of water in space that holds 140 trillion times the amount of water of our oceans, but it surrounds a big feeding black hole and is 12 billion light years away. We’re sure that’s not where Upton is headed.) You know what? As long as SI editors are dabbling with space travel, why don’t they and all their models hop a spaceship and exit the planet so we don’t have to be subjected to this nonsense ever again?
Ha! The folks at SI really dropped the ball on this one. We hate to break it to you guys, but exposed lady parts and bicycle seats don’t mix. You might think this is a sexy image, but all the ladies in the room are wincing and saying “no, thanks.” It’s the same as when we see hot guys in their gym wear. We know what’s going on with your junk when you’re at the gym (Did we say that out loud?). Not good. Not good at all. There! We succeeded. We successfully put a disgusting spin on these flawless images. We’re exhausted.