Why did we feel like we were watching Sixteen Candles instead of The Bachelor on Monday night?
Is Juan Pablo a he-whore?
Holy make-out seshes! If you left the room for a bathroom break on Monday night, Juan Pablo had likely made out with four women while you were gone. We get that this guy is probably hornier than a man lost at sea for several months, but still. On the last episode of The Bachelor, he climbed on women like they were human jungle gyms. He reminded us of that scene in Sixteen Candles when Anthony Michael Hall mauls Molly Ringwald — repeatedly.
Toe-curling, oh-my-god-I-can’t-watch moments are a cornerstone of The Bachelor format, so we’re used to this. During Monday night’s episode though, we literally were watching through webbed fingers when Juan Pablo took the girls for one-on-one chats before he asked select women, “Will you ah-cep dis rose?” Clare’s little chat — where JP chastised her for an ocean romp that he was a willing participant in — was beyond cringe-worthy. There are countless examples of awkward in Sixteen Candles, but Joan Cusack‘s memorable personification of the word is a favorite.
Are you kidding us right now with these death-defying dates? Who are these women? If we’d been married to a guy forever and knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was the love of our lives, we might — might — go bungee jumping or repelling with him. But would we risk our lives for some d-bag who’s got his tongue stuck down another girl’s throat the second we get back from a near-death experience? F*** that. We have a message for the producers of The Bachelor. There isn’t a woman alive who thinks risking her life with someone she barely knows is romantic. Mmmmk? That notion is about as romantic as Long Duk Dong’s dates.
Hypocritical seems like a harsh word, but we just can’t come up with a synonym that aptly describes how Juan Pablo yammers about being a good example for his daughter one minute and then dry humps Clare in the bushes the next. JP is given to moments of sweetness, but because he sometimes says one thing and does another, he’s kind of starting to come across as a player.
Not a lot of substance
Oh, wow. We’ve stepped in deeper puddles than this guy, haven’t we, ladies? More than once we’ve looked at Juan Pablo and thought, “What do these beautiful, smart women see in him other than a pretty face and bulging biceps?” We know he’s a single dad from Venezuela and that’s about it. Where’s the personality, the sense of humor, the interesting characteristics or unique quirks? Why is Juan Pablo starting to remind us of the king of the dips***s?