Since Victoria’s Secret models already flaunt figures akin to Barbie, we lightheartedly consider what it might be like if a few VSFS catwalkers were imagined by Mattel into a limited-edition line inspired by the show.
Smells Like Teen Spirit Barbie
This angsty Barbie comes complete with overprocessed-but-underwashed hair, a collection of ’90s grunge-rock CDs, extra ultra-black eyeliner pencils and a sense of righteous indignation against “the man.” Available with or without certificate of emancipation from parents. BFF Taylor Momsen Barbie and matching garage band mates sold separately.
Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show 2013 >>
What Happens in Vegas Barbie
This jet-lagged Barbie is only sold in airport gift shops and souvenir stores along the Strip. She comes with oversize black sunglasses, aspirin, a Venti triple-shot Starbucks to go and a few stray poker chips from a round of blackjack she doesn’t remember playing. Available as part of a set that includes Elvis Impersonator Todd and Soon-to-be-Annulled Ken.
This dominant doll prefers you not look her in the eye. She is available with optional kit including leather, latex, handcuffs, chains and hot wax. Her ensemble includes coordinating riding boots and crop. If you purchase Submissive Ken in conjunction, you get a free copy of Fifty Shades of Grey.
This bridal Barbie comes dressed in a skimpy white skintight ensemble, veil and fluorescent pink sash emblazoned with “Buy me a shot, I’m tying the knot.” She’s sold in conjunction with her bridesmaids — Tipsy Krissy, Looking-to-land-her-own-man Kelly, Closetalker Teresa and Inappropriately Flirty Francie — as well as Stripper Cop Steven.
Generation Z Barbie
This fresh-faced Barbie is available with a smartphone and optional tablet — both outfitted with every social media app available. Built-in pull cords ensure the devices are never further than arm’s reach from this over-sharing status updater, who also comes with a complete vocabulary of internet acronyms and an inexplicable sense of entitlement.
Office Christmas Party Barbie
A holiday collector’s item, this yuletide Barbie will show up to your company Christmas party dressed as naughty St. Nick and sing a boozy rendition of Madonna’s “Santa Baby.” She comes equipped with pull-string voice box which, in addition to singing, suggestively exclaims, “Ho, ho, ho!” and activates exaggerated winking mechanism. Available only during the month of December.