Paramount Pictures announced today that anxious Ron Burgundy fans can shell out $33 on a SuperTicket entitling them to perks like a poster, a digital copy of the movie, a concession stand voucher and seeing the movie two days early. But here’s what we really wish the special pass included.
Ron Burgundy’s jazz flute
With a swift slip of the sleeve, we’d like to be able to pull a Ron Burgundy and reveal a jazz flute capable of bringing people to their knees — or, perhaps more handy in our case, of swigging wine. Not to mention, like Burgundy says, that’s baby-making music, y’all. No need to leave the house to find some ambiance when you can simply shimmy the jazz flute from your sleeve and whip up your own.
A big ol’ bottle of Brian Fantana’s Sex Panther
Fantana may have hoped sporting a spray of Sex Panther would make Veronica Corningstone purr, but we think it has serious potential as a crime deterrent. You know, like pepper spray. After all, its formidable scent has been compared to “pure gasoline” and “a diaper filled with Indian food.” Imagine getting sprayed in the eyes with that! We hear that 60 percent of the time it works all the time.
A life-size replica of Brick’s Triton
You just never know when a situation is going to escalate quickly. Like, for instance, when you get caught in the crossfire between rival news gangs going all West Side Story in the streets. While we don’t recommend spearing a man through the heart as Brick Tamland does, we think having a life-size replica of the weapon would be pretty intimidating. Not to mention a good conversation starter.
If you’re going to go to the movies and throw down a chunk of change at the concession stand (and really, who can make it through an entire movie without a little noshing?), why not enjoy a burrito a la Burgundy? Don’t worry… there’s no danger we’d hit an angry biker who’d subsequently punt Baxter off a bridge — we would never throw out good Mexican food.
And a carton of milk
You’ve got to have something to wash down that burrito, and the Junior Mints you likely bought too, right? This way you can build strong bones and pay homage to the greatest news anchor ev-er. Just don’t do running around in the heat afterwards — that would be a bad choice, indeed.