Here's a secret about the 2013 Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

Nov 14, 2013 at 11:00 a.m. ET

Hey, Victoria, we're onto your little fashion show secret — just like your catalog, your fashion show has nothing to do with women, even though you are supposedly peddling women's unmentionables. The show is obviously for a male audience. Here was our first clue…

Adriana Lima
Adriana Lima
This b**** has two kids. And yeah, we know it's not cool when women call other women a b**** — it just sort of slipped out. The green-headed monster in us made us do it. Are you freakin' kidding me right now? Victoria, we have a secret for you. When you feature super-hot models in ridiculous lingerie that is clearly meant for men, not women, it alienates your buyer. It's called Marketing 101. Look into it.
Behati Prinsloo Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
Behati Prinsloo
While Adriana Lima is telling USA Today that the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show isn't about long legs and amazing bodies, but "it's about personality" (we'll say it for you — give us a freakin' break), Behati Prinsloo is engaged to Adam Levine. So we'd hate her even if she didn't look like this on the catwalk. (Hate's a harsh word — how about "be strongly annoyed with").

Wait, we thought Adam Levine was against marriage >>

Jourdan Dunn Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
Jourdan Dunn
Jourdan Dunn told USA Today she did absolutely nothing, including not working out, before the fashion show. Hey, Victoria, if you're going to showcase underwear that is allegedly for women (in a way most women will never look in it), can we at least have tales of how these women suffered to look like this? We want stories of explosive diarrhea caused by a cleanse, tales of not eating for a week and/or models working out until they hurl. Give us something.
Candice Swanepoel
Candice Swanepoel
Candice Swanepoel got to model the $10 million "Fantasy Bra." Victoria, we hate to be a bother, but we have just a couple of questions about this. Whose fantasy is it to wear a scratchy, heavy bra that costs more than the gross national income of some countries? Also, do you do the same thing with your underwear that we do with ours? Our bras end up on the floor most of the time, and if you wear your underwear the same place we wear ours, you know those puppies have a life expectancy of a few months, if you're lucky.
Victoria's Secret Show
In case you think we just have a big ole case of sour grapes (we do) about this fashion show being geared toward men, with little thought toward the women who actually buy this stuff, then we submit as evidence this photo — two chicks (Adriana Lima and Candice Swanepoel), holding hands, wearing lingerie and strutting down the catwalk with big smiles on their faces. Any men who are reading this just had to excuse themselves from the room for a minute. (Sorry, boys, you'll have to wait until Dec. 10, when the show actually airs to see these ladies in action.)
Victoria's Secret Fashion Show
Now that we're done venting about the models, how this show is all for men and does little more than alienate female buyers, we'd like to make a comment about the actual lingerie. Alessandra Ambrosio models this little ensemble that just makes us say, "WTF?" If you're the kind of gal who wants to wear something that looks like a dog leash (for you to be led around with), we need to talk. And what exactly are we supposed to do with those wings? We're guessing our kid's teacher and our boss are probably going to notice we have two freakishly large raven wings protruding from our back. Come on, Victoria.
All image credits Andres Otero and Ivan Nikolov/