The 16 best quotes from the Roast of James Franco
Comedy Central's Roast of James Franco aired on Labor Day, featuring a dais consisting of some of our favorite comedians — Andy Samberg, Jonah Hill, Bill Hader, Nick Kroll, Jeffrey Ross, Natasha Leggero and Sarah Silverman — with Seth Rogen taking the reins as roastmaster. But were they all as funny as we hoped they'd be?
Wait, is that even a question? This was quite possibly the best roast Comedy Central has ever had. Yes, it probably had a lot to do with the fact that James Franco was in the hot seat, but really, it had everything to do with the harsh, crude and even awkward jokes throughout the night. And by awkward, I'm specifically talking about Andy Samberg. While some loved it (including me), others... not so much.
But we'll leave this up to you.
Here are some of the best quotes from the Franco roast, followed by a few of Samberg's best material of the night.
"Bill Hader was brilliant on SNL, and when he left the show, every single person was like, 'What are you doing? You're never ever going to work again.' And what does my man Bill do? Boom, he books himself a T-Mobile commercial. Who's laughing now, Lorne Michaels? My man Bill is. I mean, that guy's cashing checks from the fourth-largest mobile provider in the nation. I respect Bill because Sprint was coming after him hard, but he held out for that f***-you T-Mobile money"
"If at any point James fully opens his eyes tonight, there will be six more weeks of summer."
Nick: "Seth Rogen is so Jewish."
Crowd: "How Jewish is he?"
Nick: "Seth Rogen is so f***ing Jewish… Anyway, it's great to be here."
"James recently won the ally award for his support of the LGBT community. It's a prestigious award that's given anally, annually. It's given annually."
"Jonah actually gained 50 pounds for his role in the new Martin Scorsese film because the producers wanted the character to be a Jonah Hill type. But seriously, you've had such a body transformation in the past couple of years. You have come a long way from just being Sonny and Cher's daughter."
"Right before the show started, Seth rolled a gigantic fatty. Because that's the only way we could get Jonah on the stage."
"I've been up here longer than I was in This Is the End. The funniest part of This Is the End to me is that if James Franco actually had that party, I don't think I would have been invited."
"I saw Jeff Ross at a comedy club the other night. A woman comes up to him and goes, 'Hey, if you're who I think you are, I'm definitely sleeping with you tonight.' And he goes, 'Hell yeah, I'm Jeff Ross.' And she goes, 'Oops sorry. I thought you were the main orc from the Lord of the Rings.'"
"So many gay jokes tonight about Franco. Apparently, if you're clean, well-dressed and mildly cultured, you're super gay now. Is that why the rest of you guys are so aggressively fat and dirty? You think if you read one book and take a shower, d***s are going to just fly into your face."
"When Jonah's agent told him that Quentin Tarantino wanted him to be in a spaghetti western, Jonah was like, 'You had me at spaghetti.'"
"You're so handsome, you look like the guy who broke up my parents' marriage. Boom! Boston Market!"
"Here's one: Nick Kroll, Bill Hader and Seth Rogen walk into a bar. They're there to pick me up because I'm an alcoholic who can't manage my feelings. Nailed you, f***ers! Suck a butt. Uh, is there a barista here? Because this roast just got dark!"
"My good friend Aziz Ansari is here. Aziz's parents are from India, and he's from South Carolina. Hey, Aziz: What's it like to have a unique perspective on what it means to be American, you bag of s***?"
"Who else is here… Oh yeah, God is here! God is everywhere. He walks with me through sunshine and rain. He protects me from temptation. He is my life. Roasted the father! Expect letters, Comedy Central. If you didn't want controversy, you shouldn't have invited the king!"
"You say I sucked at the Oscars. I was a genius at the Oscars. That was experimental tuxedo sleep art."
"The joke's on all of you. This is not a roast. This is my greatest, most elaborate art installation ever. I'm not the real guest of honor; these aren't real comedians, and we're not even on a real network. What you've seen tonight was my brilliant opus to sequester an artistic visionary and subject him to the mindless incoherent trashings of talentless abnormalities. I call it 'Genius Unscathed,' and this is my masterpiece."
Which joke was your favorite? Who killed it at the roast?
Let us know in the comments below!